Omnia Causa Fiunt

Allure of Snow

2012-02-11T12:22:00.001Z

Since my polytechnic days, I've had the habits of not attending less useful lectures (I remember walking out on one, with my classmate saying we were engineering students :P), playing psp during boring lectures and listening to music during most lectures. Some habits still survive up till this day. Oh, did I mention dozing off in lectures in the front row? Lately I started having problems with my 9am lectures. With the subzero weather plus less-than-ideal sleep I have been having, waking up early for law lectures is a pain. (While typing, I paused to think about how I woke up almost 5am plus daily in the army - no excuse!) But snoozing the alarm and continue sleeping is just too enjoyable a comfort to ignore. Besides, lectures are recorded and uploaded online - so why the trouble?

This morning was no different, except that I knew it would be snowing early in the morning. I was not disappointed when I woke up to see white rooftops across the street. It was snowing again! There was something so alluring about snowfall. Watching the snowflakes 'floating' down and dancing as the wind dictates is a really beautiful sight. While walking through the snowfall last weekend and listening to Bach Violin Sonata, I told myself that I have already completed an objective of studying in Europe. So, I was soon up and awake, dressed and ready; not for lecture, but for a walk to a certain Brandon Hill park at 8am.

From the view off Cabot Tower, it was white and misty. Without any proper footwear, it was an exciting time of walking up slippery footpaths and an even more exciting time sliding down like a penguin. The feeling of snow against my face and the sound of the shoe on the snow on the ground was great. Unfortunately, it was soon time to attend the lecture.

After sliding down more footpaths and climbing up more slopes, I walked into the wrong lecture theatre. Seems like a wrong decision was made again to attend lectures.

Snow

2012-02-07T09:11:00.000Z

"For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater: so shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it." Isaiah 55

"I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing tkaen from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before Him" Ecclesiastes 3

Muse

2012-02-03T13:18:00.001Z

Sometimes, you only realise what you really want when you don't achieve it.

Gem

2012-02-03T00:07:00.002Z

I am probably being weird but I actually enjoyed reading the below passage written by Lord Steyn. While I do not have the aspiration of being a judge, I suppose this is something which lawyers have to be mindful of as well.
"Judge Learned Hand once said: “A society whose judges have taught it to expect complaisance will exact complaisance …If the judges of today teach a new generation of lawyers, and judges, that complaisance by the judiciary to the views of the legislature and the executive in policy areas is the best way forward, one of the pillars of our democracy will have been weakened. In troubled times there is an ever present danger of the seductive but misconceived judicial mindset that “after all, we are on the same side as the government”.
Instead the judges of today must show by example to a new generation of lawyers, and judges, that it is the democratic and constitutional duty of judges to stand up where necessary for individuals against the government. The public is entitled to expect impartial and effective decision-making by a judiciary fulfilling its democratic duty in full measure--neither more nor less."

- Lord Steyn, Deference: a tangled story

Not Too Late

2012-01-30T22:54:00.000Z

Since January is not yet over, I suppose it is not too late to come out with a goal (perhaps another one) for the year?

It probably sounds silly but I have decided that I shall work towards the goal of being able to continue fitting into my pair of size 28 jeans till the end of the year. I seem to have been eating more lately and have felt its effect.

Running during winter sounds like an excellent way of burning calories. It is also a good way of keeping the mind clear while taking a break from law books.The temperature range is -1 to -7 this Thursday. Sounds like a plan!

The Little Foxes

2012-01-25T00:59:00.000Z

'Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes.'

Song of Songs 2:15

While going through my reading materials last week, there was this particular case that I felt strongly against. I had to stop reading at one point of time because I was really put off by what the judge said. This theme of compromise kept appearing before me and I couldn't help but feel the following:

One compromise always lead to another.

Bad outcome don't usually happen immediately, it is more often that not an accumulation of a series of wrongdoings that eventually brings about the consequence. If presented with an idea that is evidently wrong against the standards/principles we hold to, it is not difficult to reject it. Satan knows this too well; so it goes for the subtle approach that leads us to compromise bit by bit, till we reach a point where we reject what we used to think/believe is right: calling good evil, and evil good. This is happening all around us in the society.

Have we been giving space for little foxes to spoil the vines (our relationship with the Lord)? We can tell when our fruits are lacking.

We do not have the power to keep ourselves. But we must constantly avail ourselves to the Lord and allow Him to bring to light our weaknesses. From there, we co-labour with Him to walk in the light and 'make no provision for the flesh to fulfil the lust thereof'.

Let us be watchful against the wiles of the evil one, that we may we not be ashamed when He returns!

Proverbs 16:6

2012-01-17T10:03:00.000Z

Didici Disciplinam

2012-01-06T14:34:00.000Z

Amidst the grandiose backdrop of the countryside, reservoir and hills at Peak District, it was this delicate clump of moss with the water droplets that caught my eye - I love the simplicity and beauty of water beads forming up on plants. It was amazing how such a little wonder of nature amplified the beauty of the surroundings.

Then I saw, and considered it well: I looked upon it, and received instruction.

While reading through certain books and articles lately, the idea of how it is the little things we do, and the choices we make, that produces a difference surfaced once more. Suffice to say, better for small things to be done and said in the Spirit, in love, consideration and wisdom than otherwise.

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.

It had only just begun

2011-12-29T22:49:00.003Z

Yet the end has come.

To be continued...

At this time of the year, there is often a reflection of the past year and the hope for the new. I too, was almost caught in the trend. While I had wanted to write about it the night before I left for Sheffield, I did not have the time to do so and hence the incomplete post.

Perhaps, it's meant to be this way. The process of reflecting, searching, self-discovery has no end. The end of 2011 was just the end of a chapter; an end filled with and yet without answer(s). A chapter that witnessed and experienced the most of the stages of human life and its emotions since life has begun for me: of life and death, peace and strife, joy and pain, happiness and sorrow, love and the lack of it, fulfilment and futility. The title of the chapter is probably called 'Of Life'. It is too much to go through and I don't wish to - probably am glad I didn't. Our existence is but frail and fleeting; and for all the experiences, there are always two sides of the coin.

Life goes on - everyone has to deal with this. But I can almost feel the Author of my life writing the title of the new chapter: "All Things New". Yes, You make all things new.

03.01.12

Chill Pill

2011-12-06T23:11:00.001Z

It's not yet fully into winter but it's already kind of chilly. To understand how it feels, hold a few ice cubes in your hands and walk around holding them. Then imagine your whole body feeling this cold sensation on your palms. Chilling isn't it...hey man, take a chill pill...

The heater in my room was spoilt since last week and it has been around 2-4 deg every night. It was not that cold but sufficiently cold that I almost got muscle cramp on a few occasions - soreness every night though. I resorted to doing push ups, crunches etc to make my body feel warmer... It didn't help much so the best solution was just to put on my jacket in my room. The heater might have been asking me to take a chill pill...

Anyway, I am grateful to a friend in my hall who got to know of my chilling attitude and decided to lend me her heating fan...not sure what you call it but it looks like this:

I hate to say this but it was quite lovely to have blasts of hot air blowing at you; I'm certain it would have been an abominable thing in Singapore (aircon please). Thankful for my friend's kindness.

The heater started working again yesterday - it was so comforting to walk back into a warm room. It really made me appreciate the things that I have. This is so cliché, but we really often neglect the things we have till we no longer have them. My experience with these few cold nights also gave me insights on those who are unable to afford the heating during winter, and also those homeless I see at times.

In everything, give thanks.

p.s. I should be doing my coursework but I ended up here. Somehow I really don't have the mood to do work...I guess I will pay for it the night before submission but I suppose taking a chill pill is fine.

Turn me to You

2011-11-30T23:28:00.001Z

Turn us again, O LORD God of hosts, cause thy face to shine; and we shall be saved.

Psalm 80:19

This was the ending verse for my scripture reading last night. God has often spoke to me through the occurrence of events in nature e.g. the way of an eagle in the air in contrast to a bird that can never soar in the skies, and He did it again this morning when I drew the curtains open. I know your face is shining and I shall be saved.

I had my first exam as a university student today and am thankful to God for the peace and rest in Him. While knowing God's faithfulness in speaking to me through such occurrence of the nature, I am also mindful that I cannot rely on these to build my faith in Him- for we are to walk by faith and not by sight.

The rampant harm of an evil heart of unbelief is far greater than what we can imagine.

心意阑珊

2011-11-23T21:34:00.001Z

Take therefore no thought for the morrow:

for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.

Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Tripartite

2011-11-11T21:05:00.001Z

In case you have been wondering if I have been buried by the seemingly unending readings, you are right. The relief that this week is over is immense. There was so much stuff to read that I actually felt miserable about it one night. Looking at the books, journals and cases, I thought about how it was a waste of money to come all the way here just to read to gain more knowledge from books; I could do this back home too! To me, it was so much more of just knowledge acquisition as compared to improving one's critical legal thinking and analysis. But it was probably the frustration that got to me...so I'm fine with it now. It's not all so boring: I must confess that I am really surprised that I am enjoying some of the subjects which I thought I wouldn't like and vice versa.

Autumn is ending soon and I am extremely reluctant about it because I really like the colours of the autumn leaves. Everyday as I stare out of the window, I see more leaves that have their colour changed and many more that have fallen off from the branches. It really impacted me about how things can change and never be the same again; even if the leaves grow again next year, it won't be the same- it just appears the same, for the fallen leaves are dead.

Life here, minus academics, has been pretty enjoyable.

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The content of last Sunday's service nailed something in my heart and it made me miss my family in Christ in Singapore and Malaysia so much, especially the youths and my sunday class. Not to mention my friends back home too. So there I was, sitting through the 30mins of sermon thinking of all of them, not paying much attention to the message... Felt heavy hearted after service and it didn't help that I had to prepare for a seminar and tutorial the next day: 300 pages worth of stuff to read and digest. But I got over this feeling quickly afterwards. So to you all who are reading, you are being missed. (I probably have never been so candid and open, but well...)Thank God that Adrian found a good phone deal for me this week...so I can use watsapp now (thankful for technology)! No longer using a prehistoric phone

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There was a formal dinner for my hall last friday night - I was really reluctant to attend as it wasn't cheap; I was lazy to put on formal wear (even on the day itself i only got dressed 15mins before the event and couldn't be bothered to fix my tie properly); and it just didn't appeal to me. I felt kind of old for those stuff (hey, I'm classified as a mature student over here). However, because there were many of my hallmates/classmates attending (all younger than me), and they kept asking me to go, I agreed in the end (you don't get to stay in a university hall many times in your life to attend its formal dinner isn't it). It was an uneventful event and I was most interested in what they cooked so that I could get more ideas for cooking. (By the way, I have been cooking pasta for three quarters of my meals here - chicken pasta, mussel pasta, beef pasta, vege pasta in tomato and herb sauce/curry/olive oil/onion and garlic etc. Not bad right? I can eat pastamania everyday... and I have only cooked rice once.) Got real tired after the dinner and after posing for photos, I retreated back to my room.

I am not sure if I will get the chance to update again soon (my coming weeks are full of stuff) so I'm going to post a photo I took (it's very rare for me to take such photos) while dressed for the formal - just in case you wonder what form of shape I have turned into.

A smile for you.

Be it my rising up or laying down;

Oft in my prayers, heart and thoughts.

Wishing His presence, love and peace,

To surround and keep you close to Him.

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Divine Exchange

2011-11-03T23:58:00.000Z

No turning away.
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My Utmost for His Highest - Oswald Chambers

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me . . . Galatians 2:20

These words mean the breaking and collapse of my independence brought about by my own hands, and the surrendering of my life to the supremacy of the Lord Jesus. No one can do this for me, I must do it myself. God may bring me up to this point three hundred and sixty-five times a year, but He cannot push me through it. It means breaking the hard outer layer of my individual independence from God, and the liberating of myself and my nature into oneness with Him; not following my own ideas, but choosing absolute loyalty to Jesus. Once I am at that point, there is no possibility of misunderstanding. Very few of us know anything about loyalty to Christ or understand what He meant when He said, “. . . for My sake” (Matthew 5:11). That is what makes a strong saint.

Has that breaking of my independence come? All the rest is religious fraud. The one point to decide is— will I give up? Will I surrender to Jesus Christ, placing no conditions whatsoever as to how the brokenness will come? I must be broken from my own understanding of myself. When I reach that point, immediately the reality of the supernatural identification with Jesus Christ takes place. And the witness of the Spirit of God is unmistakable— “I have been crucified with Christ . . . .”

The passion of Christianity comes from deliberately signing away my own rights and becoming a bondservant of Jesus Christ. Until I do that, I will not begin to be a saint.

My heart, Your home

2011-11-01T17:49:00.001Z

Know ye not that ye are the temple of God,

and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?

1 Cor 3:16

And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God;

as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them;

and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord,

and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you,

And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.

2 Cor 6:16-18

These verses were very strongly impressed upon my heart on Sunday. God's presence in our lives is not dependent on where we are; it is dependent on where He is in our lives. It behoves us to make fit this temple for His dwelling, that His presence may be a reality in us.

Dissimilus

2011-10-30T11:12:00.002Z

I am different; but not indifferent.

Different does not mean I am better;

neither am I more important.

Sun, rain, snow and wind;

we partake of them all.

Made subject to them, not unlike you.

But felt and perceived differently.

I know my identity;

what I am called to be.

It changest not, but abideth forever.

I am a blade of grass- and I remain as one.

Friend

2011-10-28T21:10:00.000+01:00

Met an old friend today. It has always been a part of my life since childhood but pretty much neglected by me. As childhood and teenage years flew by, my neglect turned into regret. The attempts to reverse the flow were futile. You reap what you sow. This will remain as a great regret in my life: not learning the piano properly when I had the chance to. Not that I have no more chance, but will it be be worth the effort and time to put in now?

It has been a month since any contact with the piano and it felt really good this afternoon to just rest my hands on the black and white keys. With whatever limited ability I have, I managed to 'play' some of the familiar worship songs. It was an escape. By the way, it was a baby grand piano...love the sound very much but I really wished I could bring more out of it.

Today is the last Friday of October and I have already been in Bristol for close to a month. Time is passing by so quickly and there's so much to read. But hey, first year doesn't count :D Since today's weather was great, I decided to take a walk around Clifton for some shutter pressing, here's one for you.

Thanks for reading!

Amoris

2011-10-27T18:01:00.000+01:00

"There is no escape...There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable..

We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it." - The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis

So be it.

Journeying

2011-10-27T17:52:00.001+01:00

Travelled to Sheffield last Friday to visit Adrian and Angela over the weekend.

As the journey was 5.5hours for each way, I was able to have a glimpse of UK's landscape outside of Bristol. The bus travelled from Bristol to Worcestershire, Birmingham, Derby and Chesterfield before finally reaching Sheffield. The time on the coach for both trips was mainly spent on sleeping, reading, taking photos and more reading. Thank God for lightings on the coach so that I could read at night.

This was the first shot of the journey. Unfortunately, I forgot to check my settings and it was taken in black and white format - I wished it was otherwise but this photo really invoked much feelings in me. The sceneries seen along the way were really superb - I really enjoyed looking out of the window to see the vast open fields with cattle in them - such idyllic settings. I must confess that I couldn't keep staring out all the time because it became repetitive.

Anyway, I am extremely thankful for the time spent with Adrian and Angela. When I first saw them, it felt so unreal! After all the time spent in having bible study at KFC, Macs, BK(Toa Payoh's outlets) back in sunny island, we are now in UK! Who could have imagined this? I had a wonderful time of sharing and fellowship with them; not to mention the time spent eating, preparing food, talking, playing console games (the wii was hilarious)... so grateful of everything and was really blessed by their love. Thank you! It's my best weekend in UK so far and I even got to eat Sarawak laksa! I felt like I was in Kuching - well, minus the cold wind. They also brought me to Sherwood forest and it was a really pretty place!

During the church service on Sunday at Sheffield, there was a word of knowledge given about God's promise/faithfulness - something to do with rainbow but I am unable to remember it in detail. Yesterday, I saw a really beautiful rainbow while walking back from the library to my room.

I'm doing pretty okay over here right now. Slowly adjusting to the life of a law student once again. Reading the readings and reading the read. It probably sounds really nerdy but it really gives me a sense of familiarity- using Lexis Nexis and ploughing through those huge textbooks (no lawnet so it's westlaw now), though the volume is much greater than before and is quite challenging.

I'll also like to share a song that has greatly blessed me:

Be thankful for everything.

Respite

2011-10-13T23:13:00.002+01:00

Phew, finally a break!

My school told us that we need to do 40 hours of studying each week. I really hope that it is true because I think we are currently doing more than that. By the way, this is week 1 of the term. Last week was freshers' week but our proper lectures started anyway.Prior to coming, I have been sent a letter and an email instructing me to do some pre-arrival reading. I'd wished then that my school wasn't that serious. Somehow it was serious about it and most of the law students took it seriously too! I ended up coming to school with 4 chapters of readings behind probably a majority of the students. Hence, I have been doing a fair bit of catching up on top of preparing for the seminars that have their own separate readings. It has been quite tiring (haven't been nerding this much for more than two years) and I am so relieved that I have a break tomorrow! I will probably have to catch up on 3-4 chapters of reading that I have been behind for the lectures over the weekend though...plus seminars to prepare too. It's rather daunting because I find myself being weaker than the rest of the students - particularly when it comes to catching the more theoretical and abstract concepts.

Studies aside, a fair bit of life here has to deal with adaptation - adapting to the studying environment; the thought process required in school (putting down the old and putting on the new- learning to look at things from a different perspective and train of thought); the weather; the people e.t.c. It's easy to put a blame on other things for the evident differences: being schooled in a different way for three years; being in the army for two years (rumour has it that it makes you stupid); being an introvert; difficulty in adjustments to a new environment... Well, there's no excuse for anything and it's imperative to adjust, adapt to the new environment and make the best of it. I'm still in the process of trying to get into a routine of going to school, cooking, studying and doing laundry...perhaps getting to know people more as well. A slow process but I think it's slightly improving as each day passes.

Above all these, the greatest comfort and assurance is that God is in control and I can put my trust in Him no matter what happens; I also know that there are other members of Christ wherever I am. In fact, I just came back from a supposedly bible study. As it was a new start to the group with different students, it was more of an intro where people shared about how they became Christians. I was blessed by those who shared and it really reminded me to always look upon God. Just because I am a student here does not mean that it is about being a student simpliciter; we are ambassadors of Christ wherever we go.

I will upload more pics once I get the chance to go around Bristol pressing the shutter - hopefully tomorrow.

Fly Away

2011-10-04T21:33:00.000+01:00

The new chapter has finally unfolded. After months of waiting, dreading and anticipating, I have arrived in UK in an attempt to complete my law degree. It is difficult to put a finger to how I really felt when I walked through the departure gate. Though wide awake, it felt like a blurry dream: unreal and torn between excitement and reluctance. Everything happened so fast and sudden- goodbyes, photographs and disappearance.

Apart from a flight delay and children singing ABC in the wrong sequence enthusiastically behind me while I attempted to sleep, I was glad to touch down in Heathrow after a 13hours flight. The weather was great: sunny and cool; and the blue sky greeting me was a welcoming sight for a tired and jetlagged person.

After waiting for 2 hours or so, my coach to Bristol arrived. Thank God my school mate and I managed to get onto the coach. We had waited in another area and was slow in getting to the coach. As a result, the coach was rather full by the time we reached and the bus driver said that we couldn't get on anymore. However, he changed his mind in the end-spared us from waiting for another hour. The view along the way from Heathrow to Bristol was fantastic! It was my first time seeing the vast fields with sheeps/horses in them against the setting of a blue sky. How beautiful! The contrast in the colours was outstanding and very pretty. Too bad I wasn't sitting beside the window and I was really really really tired - ended sleeping for most of the two hour bus ride.

My accommodation in the Hall was much better than expected. I remember telling some that I was placed in the main building where more parties occur and I was further placed along the ground floor - I had expected a great deal of noise God had sent someone to remind me that all things work together for good - Romans 8:28 (to you, thank you very much for the exhortation and assurance). So while I didn't expect anything, I trusted in God that He has His purpose for all the arrangement. My room turned out to be really nice. It's spacious and has a wardrobe that is too large for me; it's right at a corner of the hall where it's quiet and I even have a view of the sunrise.

My hall warden had a talk with me and I found out that he had actually given due consideration to my 'about me' description in the accommodation application. He told me that he had a difficult time in deciding where to put me...and I am really grateful for his efforts. We had a long talk about many things: God, bible, music, fishing, photography, life, chinese literature...etc. One thing he asked me was this: 'what's the greatest gift that God has given to us in this life?' While I gave thought for an answer, he said it's time - we must be good steward of our time. It was really something very applicable to me...what am I to do with the time that I have here? Anyway, my hall warden is really knowledgeable and well read - even in that 40mins of conversation with him, I already felt as though there's a great gulf between our knowledge: both in terms of the natural and even the spiritual.

School will probably be quite hectic once it starts proper. I've already got the introductory handbooks to some modules and I probably am going to be nerding a great deal.

I guess that's all to update for now. As you can see, this post is really all over the place...I'm still kinda jetlagged and i get tired at 9pm here...fall alseep at 10pm only to wake up at 4am. Signing off...

Slow Down...

2011-09-24T07:10:00.000+01:00

Time is slipping by.
It leaves, faster than ever.
There is no stopping,
The clock continues ticking.
I am left behind
Departure is drawing nigh.

Thought Provoking

2011-09-15T16:07:00.002+01:00

When you are joyful, be joyful; when you are sad, be sad. If God has given you a sweet cup, don’t make it bitter; and if He has given you a bitter cup, don’t try and make it sweet; take things as they come. Shade of His Hand, Oswald Chambers

Hmm...something that left me pondering.

No Shadow of Turning in Thee

2011-09-15T14:54:00.000+01:00

I thank thee Lord, for there is no shadow of turning in thee. Thou art the same, yesterday, today and forever.

Help me O Lord, that I may not become one who looks at the natural circumstances.

Let me not find value in what I can or have achieved, but to live and walk by faith.

Grant me the power to live and move and have my being in Thee.

With the same power thou hast to bring forth the morning sun and to set it in the evening, I pray that thou keep me from falling.

Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Today is the Fifteenth day of September Twenty-Eleven; sixteen more days before I depart from this little island. I am glad to see the sunset today - I love sunset and sunrise because they are always unique and beautiful in their own way; it's just as how God is the same and He is always there, but He shows a different aspect of Himself to us in different circumstances in life.

Anyway, it is an irony how I had looked forward to this next phase of life just a few months ago but now that I am really leaving, it is hard to keep up with reality. I have been rather tardy with packing and preparing all the essentials but I believe this will change as departure draws nigh. Despite some outstanding matters on my To-Do list, the growing feeling to reflect and pen down (settle) some thoughts has become imperative.

It is totally absurd- such deplorable feelings nagging at the edge of my mind when the incidents relating to them are foregone. What makes it even queerer is how they have already been dealt with - having surrendered to God and persuaded of His decisions, but now they are back to haunt.

Self-esteem is not needed in our lives: probably a sweeping statement but one which I stand by. Since we are not judged by how we see ourselves but how God sees us, self-esteem is something that is unnecessary. When one has high self-esteem, it comes from pride of life; when one has low self-esteem, it comes from not trusting in God. I don't see how you can find a middle ground with esteem, but let me know if you can. What I need is to have no esteem of myself at all: because the truth is that I am nothing and I can only find my worth in what God sees. Notwithstanding this, I am finding myself in a situation of having to deal with this problem of self-esteem.

Now, to bring myself to remembrance of what's important and what's not, I shall deal with these wretched thoughts and feelings and rid them.

Studying hard and getting good grades in polytechnic was useless since I couldn't get into local law school.I am a local law school reject and hence I have to go overseas to further my studies in law.My school is ranked lower than NUS' law school.I couldn't get any scholarship and was a fool for not doing more research to apply for more scholarships. What an embarrassment to rely on my parents to fund my studies. Sounds very much like a loser.Going to Bristol is a bad choice because I could have gone to lower tier Uni that offered me scholarships. It is also harder to get first class or second upper in Bristol - my job prospects will not be as good as my peers who went to other lower tier Uni and graduate with a first class.I am not good with anything. Can't write well, can't speak well (to think that I am to be a lawyer in future?!) can't play violin well and can't play sports well either. I excel in nothing.

Blimey, what a bunch of annoying thoughts and feelings which I want no part in. Now you thoughts and feelings can get behind me since I am not interested in what such futility will bring to pass; bear this in mind:

My life is not in my hands and neither are my steps directed by me. God's ways and thoughts are higher than mine. He knows where to place me and He will bring that to pass. He is my provider and He wants me to learn to humble myself and to look to Him. I am nothing but His grace is sufficient. He is my wisdom and He is my guide. God has already prepared a place for me and He will bring me to it. God is all and in all. God is faithful and there is no shadow of turning in Him.

Silly thoughts and feelings, I need you not and I want you not - begone

Forgive me such ramblings, but I wanted a space to set straight my mind throughwriting and not leave room for unnecessary thoughts to dwell therein. I just received more letters from the UK bank. Time to get back to what is necessary. Thank you for your patience in reading this.

Pouring Out the Water of Satisfaction

2011-09-05T03:53:00.001+01:00

Something really worth pondering. Posting this so that I may always bring it to remembrance.
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My Utmost for His Highest - Oswald Chambers

He would not drink it, but poured it out to the Lord —2 Samuel 23:16

What has been like “water from the well of Bethlehem” to you recently— love, friendship, or maybe some spiritual blessing ( 2 Samuel 23:16 )? Have you taken whatever it may be, even at the risk of damaging your own soul, simply to satisfy yourself? If you have, then you cannot pour it out “to the Lord.” You can never set apart for God something that you desire for yourself to achieve your own satisfaction. If you try to satisfy yourself with a blessing from God, it will corrupt you. You must sacrifice it, pouring it out to God— something that your common sense says is an absurd waste.

How can I pour out “to the Lord” natural love and spiritual blessings? There is only one way— I must make a determination in my mind to do so. There are certain things other people do that could never be received by someone who does not know God, because it is humanly impossible to repay them. As soon as I realize that something is too wonderful for me, that I am not worthy to receive it, and that it is not meant for a human being at all, I must pour it out “to the Lord.” Then these very things that have come to me will be poured out as “rivers of living water” all around me (John 7:38). And until I pour these things out to God, they actually endanger those I love, as well as myself, because they will be turned into lust. Yes, we can be lustful in things that are not sordid and vile. Even love must be transformed by being poured out “to the Lord.”

If you have become bitter and sour, it is because when God gave you a blessing you hoarded it. Yet if you had poured it out to Him, you would have been the sweetest person on earth. If you are always keeping blessings to yourself and never learning to pour out anything “to the Lord,” other people will never have their vision of God expanded through you.

Heart of My Own Heart

2011-09-03T02:25:00.000+01:00

While fumbling with some piano keys this morning, I was moved to play the hymn 'Be Thou Vision'. Love the song very much. Here are some of my favourite lines from it:

'Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.'

A cry from my heart this morning.

Destiny of Holiness

2011-09-02T15:32:00.000+01:00

Recently I realised that Facebook has this interesting feature of what I wrote on my profile status a year ago. I was intrigued by the content of what I posted on this date a year ago and I found it to be a refreshing reminder.

Here's the source of whatever I posted:
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My Utmost for His Highest - Oswald Chambers

'Be ye holy; for I am holy' 1 Peter 1:16

Continually restate to yourself what the purpose of your life is. The destined end of man is not happiness, nor health, but holiness. Nowadays we have far too many affinities, we are dissipated with them; right, good, noble affinities which will yet have their fulfilment, but in the meantime God has to atrophy them. The one thing that matters is whether a man will accept the God Who will make him holy. At all costs a man must be rightly related to God...

God has one destined end for mankind, viz., holiness. His one aim is the production of saints. God is not an eternal blessing-machine for men; He did not come to save men out of pity: He came to save men because He had created them to be holy. The Atonement means that God can put me back into perfect union with Himself, without a shadow between, through the Death of Jesus Christ.

Never tolerate through sympathy with yourself or with others any practice that is not in keeping with a holy God. Holiness means unsullied walking with the feet, unsullied talking with the tongue, unsullied thinking with the mind - every detail of the life under the scrutiny of God. Holiness is not only what God gives me, but what I manifest that God has given me.
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Feeling somewhat overwhelmed.

No Turning Away

2011-08-31T15:01:00.001+01:00

I delight to do thy will, O my God: yea, thy law is within my heart...

I have inclined mine heart to perform thy statutes alway, even unto the end...

Psalm 40 & 119

Oh thou rugged cross, come live in my heart,

And lead me to death everyday.

Miserere mei, Deus

2011-08-30T03:59:00.002+01:00

Psalm 51

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.

Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.

For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.

Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.

Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.

Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts:

and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.

Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.

Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.

Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation:

and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.

O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.

For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit:
a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.

Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.

I really enjoy the contemplative, sombre and humble mood of the song - plus it's one of my favourite chapter of Psalms. According to Wikipedia, this song 'was composed during 1630s for use in the Sistine Chapel during matins, as part of the exclusive Tenebrae service on Wednesday and Friday of Holy Week. The service would start usually around 3AM, and during the ritual, candles would be extinguished, one by one, until one remained alight and hidden.'

Whenever I listen to the sacred music of old, I would really wish that I could understand Latin to fully appreciate the beauty of these pieces. It's a pity I did not discover the beauty of such music at an earlier age. If time and opportunity comes, I believe I will want to try learning the language.

A Plea

2011-08-27T03:24:00.000+01:00

For thou hast delivered my soul from death,

wilt not thou deliver my feet from falling,

that I may walk before God in the light of the living?

Psalm 56:23

Lord, I know that the way of man is not in himself:
It is not in man that walketh to direct his steps.

Teach me thy ways and bring my counsel to naught.
Not my will but thine be done.

Surprises - Largo

2011-08-23T15:51:00.001+01:00

When I decided to delete this blog during the middle of the year, I surprised myself by realising that I am so used to expressing myself through quotes, scripture verses and photos that I decided to continue this blog after pondering for a season (not to mention the encouragements from friends to do so too). I guess I do enjoy blogging in such fashion to a certain extent; by employing quotes and photos, I feel that I have the liberty to express what I want and at the same time, leaving sufficient room for the readers to form their own thoughts based on what they've seen/read. It also obviates the need for you to be bored from reading my verbose and boring posts with long droning sentences (like this post - be forewarned!). In short, I was surprised that I actually enjoyed blogging more than what I had thought. Life is full of surprises - no? Maybe.

Anyway, I had stopped practising violin for a long time. One reason was because I got fed up with my inadequate playing - I wasn't satisfied with playing a piece that only sounded like what it was meant to be. I wanted to play exactly what it was meant to be i.e. perfect intonation and full, warm tone with clean and precise bowing. It must be beautiful! Like this:

Try imagining imperfect double stops on Bach's Sonatas and Partitas for Solo Violin - imperfect octaves/thirds and a thin, dirty, jumpy bowing sound. Gross! In case you're wondering, yes, I've been practising those stuff and that's what they sound like when I play them :( It doesn't matter if they are off by a small or huge margin - it's either there or not. I felt that I was doing injustice to these pieces- it's like a bad painting of a beautiful scenery. So...I decided that listening to awesome recordings of these pieces was a way better idea. I probably didn't touched my violin for a couple of months. After watching Gabriel Ng's performance (particularly his encore piece of Bach's Sonata in C, Allegro Assai), I was almost convinced that I should stop playing altogether - and I continued my abstinence from playing the instrument.

2 weeks ago, I decided to listen to Yehudi Menuhin's recording of Schubert's Ave Maria and this simple piece somehow had a deep impact on me; as I continued listening to Kyung Wha Chung's recording of the same piece, I was really captivated by beauty of the piece and the piano's accompaniment. After listening to a few times, I was unable to resist the urge and took out my violin to play along with it as well (okay, I didn't play the octave double stops portion for the second part of the piece though). It felt good playing the violin again and I realised that I have somehow become more expressive in my playing too. This is probably good as my teacher used to scold me for being an 'emotionless creature'. Gee, I played a piece about a loving couple dancing (Liebesfreud translated as 'The Joy of Love') for my grade 8 exam. He told me I couldn't understand the emotions behind it (he is full well entitled to his opinion - though the irony was that I scored the highest for that piece among all my exam set pieces). Anyway, back to Ave Maria - it felt as though there was a release of expression (perhaps emotion?) and I could feel the music. And so, I was pleasantly surprised again. I actually enjoyed playing the violin more than what I had thought - maybe life does have surprises after all. The break could have been surprisingly useful too.

I remember that when I was 16 years old, I read in the news about a 15 year old prodigy who got into NUS' Yong Siew Toh Conservatory. In the interview, he said that each time he plays the violin, it's like a journey. Back then, I couldn't comprehend such a statement. I had the privilege of meeting him when I was in army. He was my platoon mate during BMT and we got to know each other since we were both unfit for training towards the end of BMT. Hearing him play the violin (yes, during BMT) was an eye (ear as well) opening experience - he is in a totally different league. It's like S League compared to EPL. However, I have somehow caught sight of what he meant. It's a challenge where you compete against yourself- you push yourself to the highest level of concentration to hit the correct intonation; to take cognisance of the bars you are weaker at and pay extra care when navigating through them; striving for excellence and perfection in the playing. At the end of the practise, there is a sense of achievement when you are able to play what you want to; it is an enjoyable and exciting process as well.

Hence, to the dismay and horror of my neighbours and family, I AM BACH(K) TO PLAY BACH

Introducing one of my favourite pieces from the Solo series - Largo: totally love the subtle and gentle nature of the song.

A picture is worth a thousand words - or so they say.

2011-08-13T05:22:00.004+01:00

Just in case you were wondering why I enjoyed Tioman so much, here are some photos taken to show the beauty of God's creation there.

Sunrise on the first evening from Paya Beach Resort.

I love the sunrays and the crescent moon.

Corals from Renggis Island.

This species of hard coral was abundant at the house reefs of my resort too.

'Away into the Deep'
Yellowtails from Marine Park.

These fishes are those used to make fishballs - the texture of their meat is excellent.

Blue Spotted Stingray sighted at the Resort's House Reef.
I was told by my friend that such stingray is rarely sighted. Unfortunately, the ray swam away and another tourist kicked a cloud of sand and the stingray was unseen thereafter.

My snorkelling mask and fins with the beautiful sand waves seen throughout low tide.
Swimming around with the fins was a breeze. It also saved my feet many a times from nasty coral cuts.

Sunset on the second evening.
It was an interesting sight as the clouds partially blocked the sun, creating a divided lighting.

Customary shot of the resort and hills from the jetty before I departed.
I regretted sleeping through the raining morning instead of donning my mask and fins and braving the rain and slightly choppier waves to visit the corals for the last time before I leave.

Cor Contritum et Humiliatum Deus non Dispicies

2011-08-08T02:50:00.000+01:00

'A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.'

Psalm 51:17

Behold, and see if there be any sorrow like unto my sorrow, which is done unto me

Remember, O LORD, what is come upon us: consider, and behold our reproach.

(English Translation from Lamentations 1:12, 5:1)

Island of Memories

2011-08-07T09:13:00.000+01:00

After deliberating over a few months, I finally went to Tioman Island again last week.Tioman Island contains fond memories of my childhood and this was my fourth visit.

I really enjoyed my time at Tioman and wished that I could stay longer; I enjoyed the sun, the sea, the marine life, the starry sky...basically just being near nature (awed by God's creation). Pass me a snorkel mask and a pair of fins and I could probably just stay there for a week snorkeling everyday without getting bored (I could to with a book and camera too). Some interesting things that I saw were a pack of dolphin, black tip reef shark and blue spotted stingray. Apart from these interesting experiences, I also learnt that reading Charles Dickens 'Bleak House' on a bumpy ferry ride is a bad idea, and jellyfish's stings aren't fun.

Thank God for a safe journey, wonderful weather during my stay in Tioman, and time spent with my friend who was back for summer vacation.

Testibus

2011-08-01T15:51:00.001+01:00

'Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses,

let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us,

and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,

Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith;

who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame,

and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.'

Hebrews 12:1-2

Dominus pascit me nihil mihi deerit

2011-07-24T16:04:00.001+01:00

A wonderful performance of another brilliant compostion by Randall Stroope.

Sol Occidens

2011-07-22T16:15:00.003+01:00

The day I have been so looking forward to for the past 22 months is coming to an end. I'm relieved this chapter has closed- it's been long due for closure and I'm so glad to move on to life's next phase.

Velut Luna, Statu Variabilis

2011-07-19T08:03:00.002+01:00

'Velut Luna, Statu Variabilis (Like the moon, you are changeable)' - O Fortuna, Carl Off. This is probably the last time I will see the full moon in this position from my neighbourhood in a long while. Like the moon phase, life is changeable. A new beginning awaits!

Laxamentum

2011-07-08T17:42:00.000+01:00

'The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul:

he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.'

Psalm 23:1-3

Fragilis

2011-07-03T13:50:00.002+01:00

'So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom'

Psalm 90:12

Morte in Vitam

2011-06-28T14:38:00.004+01:00

'We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren.

He that loveth not his brother abideth in death..

Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us:

and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.'
1 John 3:14,16

Recounting

2011-06-24T14:14:00.006+01:00

Over the past week, I attended two performance that I have been looking forward to for a long time.

Last friday, I went for the performance presented by the Orchestra of the Music Makers featuring Gabriel Ng playing Elgar Violin Concerto. This is one of my favourite violin concerto and I really like how the themes are repeated all throughout the different movements, creating a distinct character for each movement but all deeply intertwined. The performance was warm and expressive. Gabriel Ng played Bach's Sonata in C, Allegro Assai as his encore piece and this really blew me away. His playing was so poetic and full of expression, though in a subtle manner that was really fitting for the piece. There was a sense of happiness in the playing and I felt really happy listening to it (though I thought I should never play this piece again as it is an insult to it). The orchestra performed Pictures At An Exhibition after that and also Nimrod from Engima Variation by Elgar for the encore piece. When the strings came in for Nimrod, it was beautiful and soothing (I was reminded why string instruments always hold a special place in my heart). The song conveyed a sense of hope and resilience; it was very touching.

The second performance was by my Alma Mater, Anglican High School. The school's choir has always been very good- even before I studied there. However, the real reason why I looked forward to it was because my friend was performing. The choir's performance was excellent and their voices totally carried me away. You could tell that they were really putting in their effort for the singing and the musical presence that the choir carried was good. I loved how the different voices blended together and became one resplendent voice. AHS has once again upheld tradition by producing an excellent choir. What made me even happier was seeing how she was so happy with the good performance by her choir - she totally deserved it for all the effort put in. This would stay as a very memorable performance.

Coincidentally, the last performance I watched before I enlisted was 2 years ago by AHS choir as well. Their most recent performance is probably the last performance I will watch before I finish my service as well, of which I can hardly wait for its coming.

Terrenus

2011-06-23T15:08:00.004+01:00

Drifting amongst the clouds.

Ego Sum Vitis Vera

2011-06-18T15:39:00.002+01:00

'I am the vine, ye are the branches:

He that abideth in me, and I in Him, the same bringeth forth much fruit;

for without me ye can do nothing.'

John 15:5

Quasi Flos Caducum

2011-06-18T04:46:00.004+01:00

'For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass.

The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth away:

But the word of the Lord endureth for ever...'
1 Peter 1:24-25

Esse Quam Videri

2011-06-12T14:26:00.004+01:00

Exhausta.

Pluvia

2011-06-11T05:07:00.001+01:00

The grey sky greeted me this morning and dark billowing clouds soon joined its presence. There was a sombre feel to the start of the day. However, underlying the dark tone was a tinge of anticipation; it was an air of expectation of the rain which was to come.

The lovely cooling wind turned chilly and the sounds of windows shutting soon filled the neighbourhood. It was not long before the rain came. My senses captured the sound of rain falling on the ground, the howling wind through my balcony's door and the droplets of rain carried by the wind like waves in the ocean. Gazing out through my window, I enjoyed them all.

As I prepared myself for the tasks at hand, I played Arvo Part's Spiegel Im Spiegel through the speakers. The poetic music complemented the rainy background: adding tone and colours to the atonal and dull falling raindrops, and warmth amidst the cooling weather.

There is always something beautiful with life at its simplicity.

Gaudium

2011-06-04T16:24:00.000+01:00

'I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.' 3 John 4

Grateful.