Void of Experience

Lately I pondered on the lack of job satisfaction that I have received. I have not derived any fulfilment from my job, even when I have managed to perform what I have purposed to do stepping into practice. It feels odd to me when, having invested so much effort in a case to obtain a particular result, I find no satisfaction in obtaining that result. It started with my first case as a trainee and has since continued till this day.  Even when I have argued in the Court of Appeal in a landmark decision (a supposedly major event for any litigator), I only felt empty – or rather, mildly consoled that my performance was not catastrophic. Most recently, I was acting for a person who was facing a capital charge; he managed to avoid facing the death sentence eventually. This outcome was something the Defence team had worked hard for. I was told that my contribution should not be belittled and that I had play a substantial role in getting him spared of the gallows. However, these were all lost on me. I felt like I was simply a cog in the machinery of the criminal justice system - someone  easily replaceable. 

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The search for experience, especially meaningful experience can be a snare. I learnt this in my journey of faith many years ago. Our walk with God is not an experience-seeking journey. Yes, we encounter Him at times and we experience His goodness. But the experience is more of a by-product of how the will is being exercised. The same can be said of human relationship - a relationship cannot be sustained by "feel good" experiences and positive emotion. It has been said that "love is as much a question of the will as it is of the emotion. And if you will to love somebody, you can".  

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Obedience is not premised on experience but a surrendering of our will to His. I came to realise that if my vocation and position is where I believe He has led me, then by extension, my accountability even in my profession is towards Him, and based on obedience to His will. It is not about my experience or the seeking of the same. Indeed, if my satisfaction and fulfilment is to in Christ, then a fortiori, I would not and should not be seeking fulfilment in my career. Ultimately, it is a question of obedience and how I answer to His call in my life. 

The sins of the fathers

To the child (one of the many):

I saw you a year ago. You were with your family, and you were a happy little toddler. I knew your name and even your birthday before I met you.  Unfortunately, I met you in a court room, and I was assisting a party in the case involving you. I was glad for you that you knew nothing of what transpired then.  I hope you still remain as happy as you were till this day.

Yours was a case that made me upset in many ways. It left me with many late nights in the law office drafting documents which I hope you will never ever read in your life. It even made me hate the practice of law when I became part of an arsenal of sharpened instruments to inflict as much discomfort to your parent. I cringed when I saw you  - the pangs of guilt, perhaps even shame running somewhere in me. That courtroom was not a place that you should have been there. 

I am working on your case  past midnight again. Tonight, just like many nights ago, is only the starting of the many to come - I hope I am proven wrong on this. Again, it is about you but you are not there. It is difficult to draft the court documents. The seemingly cold, objective legal terms have become a name for reifying the desires and interests of all the parties except yours. Your interest (being the paramount consideration) is tossed around in name by everyone, when in reality it is really for advancing their own interest. 

The biblical concept of the “sin of the fathers” is not unreal - because children will experience and eat of the fruits of the wrongdoings of a previous generation. And often, the toxins from the fruits of the poison tree will run to the next generation. 

I wondered what it will be like if I meet you years down the road. I prayed that in spite of all that has happened, that somehow, you will be preserved from the wickedness around; that justice will eventually prevail. And this is my hope: 

“that both of His hands are equally skilled, at ruining evil; equally skilled at judging the judges and administering justice; equally skilled at showing mercy and loving the loveless. Equally skilled, administering justice - both of His hands” - Jon Foreman

Future, hindsight and faith.

A passage penned many months back. It ended abruptly as my pen ran out of ink. I didn't continue writing. It was left in a notebook till I came across it again a few days ago.   

Hindsight is an enigma. So is the future. We know nothing of the future until its passing. In its passing, future brings about more uncertainties. Hindsight thus possess this similar characteristic as the future: one only possesses it after the passing of certain time and event. While bringing the possibility of clarity and realisation (whether illusory or real) of what has happened in the past - vis-a-vis the understanding that one's past has culminated in the present (and by extension, the future) - hindsight offers little insight - certainly nothing of the future. 

However, hindsight is, to some extent, related to our human desires for second chances in life; chances to start anew, to address past mistakes, to redeem our failures. Nonetheless, even in the search for second chances - there is no certainty that we can make good this time round. Paradoxically, whilst we look for that second chance in the form of a life changing opportunity / occurrence, each day presents a new chance for that change. Yet, in the midst of searching for that significant second chance, we lose sight of the significance of the opportunities that each day may present. 

Even with the benefit of hindsight to attempt on shedding light to the labyrinth of life, the mysteries in life continue enshrouding us. What? How? When? Where? Our human struggles over the concept of future - be it in thoughts or experience bring about a sharp contention with the concept of faith. I have encountered people who have quoted Karl Marx statement to me: religion is the opium for the masses i.e. a psychological crutch. Yet, I reckon that faith, instead of a crutch, is actually a mountain to scale. It is a much easier option to rely and resort to our human capacity of thoughts and senses (whatever available in this physical realm) as a solution to our struggles in the face of the enigmatic future and futile hindsight (where the symphony of failures and futility rehearse repeatedly). To trust that "He makes all things beautiful in His time" is of scant relief in the absence of faith.  

With the benefit of hindsight, here is something that has been on my mind again lately.

The bridges are torn down, and the followers simply move ahead. They are called away and are supposed to "step out" of their previous existence, they are supposed to "exist" in the strict sense of the word. The disciple is thrown out of the relative security of life into complete insecurity (which in truth is absolutely security and protection in community with Jesus): out of the foreseeable and calculable realm (which in truth is unreliable) into the completely unforeseeable, coincidental realm (which in truth is the only necessary and reliable one); out of the realm of limited possibilities *which in truth is that of unlimited possibilities) into the realm of unlimited possibilities (which in truth is the only liberating reality). Discipleship, Bonhoeffer. 

Divine Humility

Everyone has noticed how hard it is to turn our thoughts to God when everything is going well with us. We "have all we want" is a terrible saying when "all" does not include God. We find God an interruption. 

Now God, who has made us knows what we are and that our happiness lies in Him. Yet we will not seek it in Him as long as He leaves us any other resort where it can even plausibly be looked for. While what we call "our own life" remains agreeable we will not surrender it to Him. What then can God in our interests but make "our own life" less agreeable to us, and take away the plausible false sources of happiness? It is just here, where God's providence seems at first to be most cruel, that the Divine humility, the stooping own of the Highest, most deserves praise."

... 

I call this a Divine humility because it is a poor thing to strike our colours to God when the ship is going down under us; a poor thing to come to Him as a last resort, to offer up "our own" when it is no longer worth keeping. If God were proud He would hardly have us on such terms: but He is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because there is "nothing better" now to be had. 

It is hardly complimentary to God that we should choose Him as an alternative to Hell: yet even this He accepts. The creature's illusion of self sufficiency must, for the creature's sake, be shattered; and by trouble or fear of trouble on earth, by crude fear of the eternal flames, God shatters it "unmindful of His glory's diminution". 

CS Lewis, The Problem of Pain

we walk by faith and not by sight

I was moping the week before I started my 6 months of Practice Training Contract (PTC). I found myself constantly sitting at the corner of my room pretending that reality was otherwise. This was not something I would have done in the past - I had loathed escapism and self-delusion to comfort myself. But I was just not able to bring myself to face it.

I was reduced to such a state because of fear. It was only when I started penning down my thoughts that I realised its insidious and pervasive nature. Granted, it wasn't just fear but an immense dislike towards what I have to face again.

In fact, if anyone had asked me if I was looking forward towards starting my PTC, my answer would have been an emphatic no. I was dreading it and here's a sample of what I experienced during my first phase of training and what I was dreading:

• having to stay in the law firm till late night for internal meetings and discussions for ongoing matters;
• having to stay past midnight hammering out court documents because clients are extremely capable of giving/changing instructions at the eleventh hour; 
• having to return to the law office to work during weekends;
• lacking energy even when I am not in the office because of the constant lack of sleep;
• not being able to invest time and energy in what I deem as more important; 
• having little form of activity of life outside of work; and
• I shall stop before this turns into a list of complaints and murmurings. 

As I reflected on these, I came to a realisation that it was not so much the dread per se but my fear on how these have previously affected my life, and how they may potentially do so. I could not see how it would be different this time round. Yet, my perception was premised on a lack of faith: a disbelief that God is able to work in my life even in the mundane things. My disbelief had the following effect: 

• my belief that God is sovereign is inconsistent with my everyday life where I resigned myself to the mercy of the systems in place; 
• I effectively placed God in a box because I was living by what I saw and experienced; and 
• on hindsight, the cumulative effect was that I may have denied God power and control over the minutiae of everyday life at work. 

It was only last week when I was impressed upon my heart over my lack of faith that I then realised its impact that it has had. As with other things in my life, the Lord has keep calling me to step out in faith. However, it is often easier to sit in the boat of fear and sink with it amidst the fear than stepping out into the unknown. 

The Lord is merciful in spite of my lack of faith and He surprised me with the unfolding of events this week. A matter that I was working on was scheduled to have its second tranche of the trial this week. I had spent the weekend staying up late going through documents and preparing cross-examination questions for the trial. I also expected an arduous week ahead because of the further trial preparation that we had to take our witness through. Remarkably, the matter got adjourned for the first two days as the Judge directed us to file a document to the Prosecution and for them to consider our position. On the third day, the Prosecution applied for a discharge amounting to acquittal. Instead of having a nightmare of a week due to work, I even got to leave home by the end of office hours on that day. 

The sermons that were delivered this weekend was on the same theme: walk by faith and not by sight. Do I trust in the word of God or do I believe more in my own experience and my past? If it is the latter, then I will only continue to restrain the workings of God because I simply do not give Him the room to do so. 

Learning to baby steps of faith to move out of the realm of fear

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Saviour"

Justice - at what price?

There were tears of joy as the news of the acquittal sunk in. I stood afar as I watched the client teared, the family members rejoicing and expressing their gratitude towards their Defence Counsel (my supervising solicitor). While he had previously carried an air of indignance, fear, and worry, these are now replaced with relief.  

Since the onset of the investigation, the criminal proceedings had hung over him for more 2 years. He had maintained his innocence since the first time he stepped into the law firm. He never wavered when the Prosecution amended to a lesser charge or the amount involved (something critical in a property offence). This was so even when going for trial to prove his innocence would be far costlier. On the other hand, if he elected to plead guilty, a fine might have been imposed.

When I was in the UK, one thing I learnt about miscarriage of justice is how people can plead guilty to crimes they did not commit as the short-term benefits outweigh the long term ones. In this case, the imposition of a fine would be a far cheaper alternative (in terms of economics). However, the client was insistent that he would never plead guilty to something he did not do. As a matter of principle, it cannot be done. He is right.

I applaud the client for his courage to fight for his innocence; the team was glad that he was acquitted. However, I could not shake off the lingering questions on the amount of legal costs spent on proving his innocence. What if the same amount was spent on a less-able Defence Counsel who botched up the job? What if the client was someone else with lesser financial abilities, would the same person have pleaded guilty just to reduce the financial burden? Justice has been administered – but at what cost?

As much as my questions are hypothetical, they are real factors of considerations by people facing legal problems. Just a day before the above incident, I sat through a meeting where a person who wanted to fight against a potential action simply had no financial ability to do so; the financial limits effectively ousted the weightier matter of rectitude and justice.

Are we placing a price-tag on justice?

Giant Slayer

The conduct of this lawyer for this environmental suit is remarkable. Definitely worth a read as it is a John Grisham's novel-type lawyer in real life. 

 The lawyer who became DuPont's worst nightmare