All things new

The Lord bringeth life out of death,

and fruitfulness from barrenness.

He appoints unto them that mourn in Zion,

to give unto them beauty for ashes,

the oil of joy for mourning,

the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;

that they might be called trees of righteousness,

the planting of the LORD,

that he might be glorified.

Of Trust and Man

"Our Lord trusted no man; yet He was never suspicious, never bitter, never in despair about any man, because He put God first in trust; He trusted absolutely in what God’s grace could do for any man. If I put my trust in human beings first, I will end in despairing of everyone; I will become bitter, because I have insisted on man being what no man ever can be – absolutely right. Never trust anything but the grace of God in yourself or in anyone else." Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

Journeying

Gazing out from the train, I really enjoyed passing by the English countryside and seeing the herds of sheep, cows and horses. Edward Elgar's and Vaughan Williams' compositions from my mp3 player have never felt so fitting and compelling before. The Summer Sun lingers around and causes the land to bask in its golden light. Long train rides aren't that bad after-all. 

Reflection and Thanksgiving

A rather messy collection of thoughts and reflection of my journey during the final phase of my academic year - essentially an uninteresting mass of words but I just wanted to pen them down.

During a contact time with my personal tutor at the start of the year, he told me that I should feel very proud of myself with my mid-sessional grades. I told him I wasn't and explained; in the end, he told me I was just beating myself up. Or was I? Perhaps I was very influenced by the high expectations I have set for myself, in considering that doing well means getting a first class grade; short of that, it is just average or less. On hindsight, there were many factors that contributed to such a thinking: the amount of money my parents have put in for my education, the minimum of getting at least a second upper for grade for employability, the requirement of first class qualification for certain job qualifications, the expectations I have towards myself since I have already done a diploma in law etc. While not being stressed or worried about my future, I suppose these were major considerations that affected my actions. There was no chase for that first class grade (at least not expressed), neither did I consider myself being any better than my peers - they are all very brilliant indeed, much more than I, but there was that expectation I have towards myself to perform well. Admittedly, having been used to working towards perfect gpa scores previously played a part - but I was tired of it; and even that did not get me into law school in Singapore.


It is funny how I see grades as being somewhat artificial and non-representative but I still have that expectation of myself to do well. It wasn't a major issue but it somehow bugged me; although I wasn't setting goals for myself to work towards, I was still hoping for good results. Through this I was caught betwix and it was difficult balancing working hard without being sucked into the vicious cycle of paper chasing. But taking me by unaware, this expectation was lodged somewhere in the hidden stream of consciousness. The end result was probably a great deal of contradiction within me. Because I didnt set any goal for myself, I wasnt as motivated; but I didnt want to be unmotivated either because I still wanted to perform well. Unsurprisingly, it started taking a toll on me.


While revising one afternoon during my Easter break, there was this sense of 'annoyance' and frustration as the tension within me surfaced once more; it was something that I had to resolve and what is better than to commit and let go of the matter to the Lord once again? I was really thankful that there was a breakthrough this time round. It was impressed upon my heart not to strive for the grades but to enjoy the learning process. One factor that has spurred me to want to do well is to be better equipped such that I can avail myself wherever God wants me to go to in the future. I was thankful for the prompting from the Lord not to be concerned about it. The adaptation of 'Amazing Grace' by Chris Tomlin rang within my mind and the part of the song 'my chains are gone, I have been set free' really spoke to me - it was like the chains of having to score first class grade being gone. As though it wasn't enough, the same song was sung in Church on Sunday. 


However, having that realisation and translating it into reality was no easy feat. It was not easy to enjoy the learning process when I had so much stuff to remember that it was almost depressing thinking about it.  Furthermore, it was still very easy going through the motion of revision without setting the focus right. I thank God for people He has placed along my journey that encouraged and inspired me to keep that joy and be thankful for the process that I was going through. I remember one prayer meeting where someone prayed the words of Romans 12:2 'Be ye not conformed to the world' - it resonated in the depth of my heart - 'deep calleth unto deep'; those were powerful words that reminded me of my calling and the word that the Lord had spoken to me. Nonetheless, it was an ongoing daily struggle where I had to wrestle with myself even till the last paper - possibly even after that. It wasn't just about the studying, but about getting the focus right while doing so. 


My papers didn't go as I expected - I forgot stuff for questions that I spotted and came out; attempted harder questions when I knew the answer for easier ones - till date I have no idea why I did that; possibly I was just being stubborn and bent on attempting topics that I was interested in. Nonetheless, I am so grateful for the release wrought by the work of the Holy Spirit, that I didn't have to work towards getting high scores but to just enjoy the learning process, of which I am glad that I managed to, even if not all of it. 


I am still coming to terms with how my first academic year has ended. It felt as though so much/but not much has happened. Perhaps time has passed by too quickly; can't imagine how my 2nd and 3rd year will go... Looking back, I am thankful for the work and presence of the Lord for the past academic year . There were happenings that could have really thrown me off-course but He does not put us into something more than we can bear. I thought I should come up with a list (non-exhaustive) of things to be thankful for:

Thank you Lord for Your presence and sustenance; 

Thank you Lord for this new journey where You are leading me by each step;

Thank you Lord for the friends and people that I have met here;

Thank you Lord for the opportunity of education;

Thank you Lord for Your providence; 

Thank you Lord for family and friends back home who are walking this road of faith together 

Thank you Lord, because You are faithful and are worthy of all our praises

Thank you Lord, because You make all things new and beautiful. 

Pause

Tonight I can sleep without any thoughts of the essay due, the legal journal articles I have not read and the multitude of cases to remember the following day. It has been more than 2 months of work, revision and examinations. I never thought of these as a burden but now that they are gone, it really is a relief, at least for now. Barring the possibility of failing any modules, it is frightening how my first year of university life has already ended. But a very welcoming end to a chapter nonetheless. Now, I just hope that I won't dream of any of those stuff - I've had enough of construing exemption, frustration and third party clauses in my dreams. A good night's sleep - ah, a welcoming thought.