No Shadow of Turning in Thee

I thank thee Lord, for there is no shadow of turning in thee. Thou art the same, yesterday, today and forever.

Help me O Lord, that I may not become one who looks at the natural circumstances.

Let me not find value in what I can or have achieved, but to live and walk by faith.

Grant me the power to live and move and have my being in Thee.

With the same power thou hast to bring forth the morning sun and to set it in the evening, I pray that thou keep me from falling.

Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Today is the Fifteenth day of September Twenty-Eleven; sixteen more days before I depart from this little island. I am glad to see the sunset today - I love sunset and sunrise because they are always unique and beautiful in their own way; it's just as how God is the same and He is always there, but He shows a different aspect of Himself to us in different circumstances in life.

Anyway, it is an irony how I had looked forward to this next phase of life just a few months ago but now that I am really leaving, it is hard to keep up with reality. I have been rather tardy with packing and preparing all the essentials but I believe this will change as departure draws nigh. Despite some outstanding matters on my To-Do list, the growing feeling to reflect and pen down (settle) some thoughts has become imperative.

It is totally absurd- such deplorable feelings nagging at the edge of my mind when the incidents relating to them are foregone. What makes it even queerer is how they have already been dealt with - having surrendered to God and persuaded of His decisions, but now they are back to haunt.

Self-esteem is not needed in our lives: probably a sweeping statement but one which I stand by. Since we are not judged by how we see ourselves but how God sees us, self-esteem is something that is unnecessary. When one has high self-esteem, it comes from pride of life; when one has low self-esteem, it comes from not trusting in God. I don't see how you can find a middle ground with esteem, but let me know if you can. What I need is to have no esteem of myself at all: because the truth is that I am nothing and I can only find my worth in what God sees. Notwithstanding this, I am finding myself in a situation of having to deal with this problem of self-esteem.

Now, to bring myself to remembrance of what's important and what's not, I shall deal with these wretched thoughts and feelings and rid them.

Studying hard and getting good grades in polytechnic was useless since I couldn't get into local law school. I am a local law school reject and hence I have to go overseas to further my studies in law. My school is ranked lower than NUS' law school. I couldn't get any scholarship and was a fool for not doing more research to apply for more scholarships. What an embarrassment to rely on my parents to fund my studies. Sounds very much like a loser.Going to Bristol is a bad choice because I could have gone to lower tier Uni that offered me scholarships. It is also harder to get first class or second upper in Bristol - my job prospects will not be as good as my peers who went to other lower tier Uni and graduate with a first class.I am not good with anything. Can't write well, can't speak well (to think that I am to be a lawyer in future?!) can't play violin well and can't play sports well either. I excel in nothing.

Blimey, what a bunch of annoying thoughts and feelings which I want no part in. Now you thoughts and feelings can get behind me since I am not interested in what such futility will bring to pass; bear this in mind:

My life is not in my hands and neither are my steps directed by me. God's ways and thoughts are higher than mine. He knows where to place me and He will bring that to pass. He is my provider and He wants me to learn to humble myself and to look to Him. I am nothing but His grace is sufficient. He is my wisdom and He is my guide. God has already prepared a place for me and He will bring me to it. God is all and in all. God is faithful and there is no shadow of turning in Him.

Silly thoughts and feelings, I need you not and I want you not - begone

Forgive me such ramblings, but I wanted a space to set straight my mind throughwriting and not leave room for unnecessary thoughts to dwell therein. I just received more letters from the UK bank. Time to get back to what is necessary. Thank you for your patience in reading this.