This was something written more than a month ago of which I published as a note in Facebook. With the impending release of result and the current pit and mess I feel I have found myself to be in, I just thought of putting it as a reminder to self. Hopefully it will be of some use to those who find themselves in like experience too.
Isa 64:8 But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.
When we picture a potter at work with the clay, we can easily draw the inference of how the clay has neither power nor say in how and what it will be formed into. The potter has the entire say in the matter and he simply does what he deems fit. Yet we attempt the exact opposite in this process of moulding; times when we think it is enough, we like certain features to remain and perhaps to be left alone if possible; a paradox of the clay attempting to assert power over the potter.
Coming back to school this year has been challenging. Not least because of the academic demands, the uncertainties involved with staying in a new environment, but more so because of the undercurrent of pressure and expectations I had for myself. I knew that what had happened after the end of the first academic year has no bearing this year and I was very keen not to allow that to exert any pressure this year. Despite knowing what I had achieved last year was purely a result of His grace, there was this strong desire lurking within me to pursue (and attain) academic excellence. Why? Partly because of certain career path that require a first class degree, and perhaps partly because of high expectations: 72 is an ‘okay’ grade –just saying.
However, what really caused shudders deep in my heart was the knowledge that the Potter is going to deal with me with my attitude towards what He has given me. I was thankful and grateful for what has been given; and I wasn’t sure if I wanted Him to take it away if He pleases. “Behold, he taketh away, who can hinder him? who will say unto him, What doest thou?” (Job 9) I know He does what He wants, but can I have a willing heart? There were tell-tale signs of this right from the start of the year – time and time again during my devotion I read about how God wants our life to be Christ fulfilling instead of self fulfilling; that we have to atrophy all else in our heart such that He alone reigns. Each time I read this I felt a chill down my spine – I didn’t know how to respond. All I could do was to ask Him to help me learn to respond in the way He wants; I couldn’t bring myself then to say, “yes, take the first class and best overall student if You will” although I knew that was what was required of me. Set against such a struggle was the irony that I was still getting 78s for my formative assessments and ending up with an overall first class by the first term of my second year. Not a very encouraging sign for asking the Potter to remove them I suppose.
Somehow, things changed along the way; surprises (well, mostly disappointments) and incidents starting shaping my perspective. God engineered circumstances to show me how weak and frail I am; how undeserving I am of His love and grace. These started changing my outlook and surprisingly I started coming to terms with being able to accept what He gives (and takes). I remember one afternoon as I was praying and God strongly impressed this verse upon me: “Remove far from me vanity and lies: give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me: Lest I be full, and deny thee, and say, Who is the LORD? or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain.” (Prov 30:8-9) It was a frightening verse, but I knew it was something that I need to respond to (albeit with reluctance…hmmph): give me not academic excellence, but only what is needful for me.
The journey continues. Despite my response (or lack of) thus far, things took a further change a few weeks back during our home group weekly bible study. We were studying the story in Luke about the woman who broke an alabaster jar and wiped Jesus’ feet with the oil. You might have heard this story countless times – what is precious to you? It is a familiar story to me and whatever may be preached from it too. Yet when we were led us to sing the song ‘Alabaster Jar’, I was deeply struck by how much Jesus gave for me, and how little and worthless all my ‘first class’ ambitions and expectations were - even more, how perverse it was for me to hold on to them instead of breaking this ‘jar’. It was amazing how the Potter touched the depth of my heart and changed my outlook.
He has more waiting. Subsequently, I found out that my one and only internship application was rejected. It was an amusing experience as I read the generic rejection letter addressed to ‘Dear students’. I know it was not a wise decision to put all my eggs into one basket, but then again, at the risk of sounding arrogant, you don’t really expect to get rejected when you are applying for a government internship with such results. Surely, unless He makes the way, no amount of what I have is of any use. Last Thursday, we sang ‘I desire Jesus’ and this really tied in to Psalm 27 that has been on my mind “One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.” I want my heart to only desire Jesus, not more first class results or some best student award.
With 7 more days to exam, I am so thankful for this peace I have – not because I feel prepared (in fact, I have never felt so unprepared for any law exam), and that I don’t have to fret over the outcome, for He gives me what I need. Having said these, I still encounter the struggles of having to deal with thoughts of still wanting to get more 78s; they lurk around and often can be an entanglement - highly highly frustrating when you are very behind your revision schedule (like now). But, the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Neither will you be in want. And I hope that when my results are out, I can say without any bitterness, “the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD”. With this, I end with this phrase by Jars of Clay “Offer your heart, I’ve given you mine”.
‘[Give] me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me’.
Post-Script
I really really don’t like talking about my results (also risks sounding like a show-off) but only did so to paint a more accurate picture and to juxtapose them against my struggles. Also, I didn’t write this because I want to share the journey and the struggles I am going through. Far from it – even reading Jurisprudence or Land law is much more appealing than writing such a note. But there has been a strong prompting for me to do so for the past week. It also wasn’t written because my results have plummeted terribly (they are still near okay, for now) or am I trying to pre-empt a disaster following the upcoming exam and the release of results (although highly possible unless a miracle happens) – so better save some face now. But whatever worth this piece of note may be of, I hope you may rest and let the Potter work too.
