Quiet Roars from Within

"Dr Tan Lai Yong" is a name I have heard many a times during my conversations with my friends regarding serving in the community. However, apart from knowing his contribution towards improving the health care of a rural village in China, and that he was a student in Temasek Junior College (the topic causing my friend to bring up his name), I knew little else about him. The opportunity in finding out more about him came when my course manager from Temasek Polytechnic posted a link about Dr. Tan giving a talk in the school. The brief introduction about Dr. Tan intrigued me and I spent some time thereafter finding out as much as I could from Google about him. The information I unearthed left a deep impression; I found him to be a really inspiring character, yet I could not but help feel a certain sense of dreadfulness in response to a situation I have found myself in. Dread not in the sense of any negative connotation, but of being in awe, and perhaps a sense of reverential fear. 

In this article, the writer recorded how Dr. Tan told the solemniser to recite these verses from Proverbs as his wedding prayer:"Two things have I asked of You [O Lord]; deny them not to me before I die: Remove far from me falsehood and lies; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, Lest I be full and deny You and say, Who is the Lord? Or lest I be poor and steal, and so profane the name of my God." This was not something that I had expected to hear as a wedding prayer. To quote the article: "In Dr Tan's words, it was the “craziest thing” he has ever done. It set the tone for life thereafter, and liberated him to “step out of the box”, again and again." His wedding prayer did not go unanswered: "At 53, the Singaporean doctor has no home to his name. No car. One pair of jeans he lives in. And lots of hand-me-down checked shirts. Lunch is often a loaf of plain bread, wolfed down on the run." I found this, along with his contributions in China then and in Singapore now to be really inspiring and respectable. However, what really shook me was the fact that I was prompted to say this prayer as well when I struggled with letting go of my own desires for academic excellence (recounted here). The verse also liberated me, spurring and challenging me to trust that what the Lord provides is sufficient. With the buzz of events that happened lately, it appears that my prayer was something that the Lord wanted me to learn beyond my struggle towards academic excellence. This was not something I had expected and what I found out about Dr Tan set the tone for how I should respond to the situation I have found myself in. 

Unlike most of my peers, I came back to Singapore in the summer of 2013 without any legal internship position arranged during my summer break. Since I had a fair amount of free time available, I decided that I should do something productive by looking for law firms that were offering positions for legal training and training contract (all these to fulfil my requirements to become a qualified lawyer). Thankfully I managed to secure a position at a particular law firm (let's call it Firm A) - having gone for the interview and feeling positive about what they told me about certain features of the firm, I accepted their offer for the trainee position. Although I was thankful that I need not be concerned with finding a place for training during my final year, I couldn't help but wonder why the Lord has arranged for this particular place for me to train at whilst at the same time blessing me with grades that allowed me to apply to places that may appear to offer a more prestigious and high flying career. It felt paradoxical that the Lord was, on one hand, dealing with my then-hidden ambitions for academic excellence vis-a-vis career path, and on the other, blessing me with more than what I need. Anyhow, I recall talking to a friend back then that the receiving of the result could be a test too - will I take what He has given me (which belongs to Him) and turn it into mine to further my plans? I knew well then that it was an act of God for me to receive the grades I did in my second year; if so, am I to frustrate His grace? Despite the acceptance of my training position in Firm A, I still harboured a plan at the back of my mind to attempt another career path (let's call it X) if I manage to graduate with the required result.

Shortly before the release of my examination results and degree classification, I used the lyrics from "Be Thou my Vision" as my prayer: "Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, still be my vision, O ruler of all". It would have been a lie to say that I was not feeling nervy at all whilst waiting for the results to be released. But despite my apprehension of the outcome, I didn't want my desires to cause me to lose sight of having to set my focus upon Him and trusting in His provision. Strangely enough, as I was praying for this matter a few days before, I felt a prompting signifying the sort of result I would receive, but I was not to use it for applying for X. In the words of someone, it was odd that I will receive such a direction - not to even apply for it. Eventually, what the prompting signified came to pass, and I decided to obey it and not make an application for X.

Although my decision then seemed strange then, I subsequently realised why the Lord had directed me in such a manner. Back then, Firm A had not finalised my training allowance and I had yet to find out from other trainees how it is like. When I eventually found out about my allowance and other matters, it was significantly below what I had expected. That, along with other factors, would have caused me to choose X above Firm A should I get an offer (though unlikely) - and it would have been much harder for me say "no" to an offer for X. It was through this that I realised my previous stance on how I wasn't going into the legal industry for its money or material benefits was shakier than I'd imagined. It caused me to re-assess why I studied law in the first place: "Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy: rid them out of the hand of the wicked.". If this was truly my motto, then why the comparison with my peers who are getting training allowance that's twice of mine, along with a whole load of other benefits? It was at this period when I stumbled across the article on Dr. Tan, along with the verses: "give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, Lest I be full and deny You and say, Who is the Lord? Or lest I be poor and steal, and so profane the name of my God."

To say that there was no struggle against the fulfilment of my own prayer 1 year ago would have been deceiving myself. When I said that prayer back then, I didn't expect it to go beyond the realm of my academic pursuit. It was as though a spectre of my past was back to haunt - but why should I see it as something haunting me? Is this not a blessing and provision from my Provider - my all in all as I have claimed? Why then the revolt against it?  With the benefit of hindsight, it was as though I was living in the realm described aptly by C.S. Lewis:

As a young man wants a regular allowance from his father which he can count on as his own, within which he makes his own plans (and rightly, for his father is after all a fellow creature) so they desired to be on their own, to take care for their own future, to plan for pleasure and for security, to have a meum from which, no doubt, they would pay some reasonable tribute to God in the way of time, attention, and love, but which nevertheless, was theirs not His. They wanted, as we say, to "call their souls their own". But that means to live a lie, for our souls are not, in fact, our own. They wanted some corner in the universe of which they could say to God, "This is our business, not yours.” 

My reaction (with dread) veered towards the exact perilous attitude that I had sought to avoid:  to take what He has blessed me with and call it mine. I was faced with the options before me: to obey, or to take flight. Perhaps one may be inclined to feel that God appears to be uncharitable, or worse still, playing what is seemingly a mean joke on me by frustrating the very capacity He has produced with giving me a first class degree - "the monkey trick of a spite imbecile". But probe deeper, and one realises it is a marvellous lesson planned. As Paul said, "for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me." I have been learning to be content when I am in abundance (or at least I will like to think so), but can I learn to be content when I am not enjoying what society may deem as material abundance, where my monthly training allowance is probably less than that of working at a fast food restaurant and my working hours far exceeding that? I cannot say I know how to be content in whatever situation He has placed me in if I have only known abundance. Thus for now, the challenge is to learn to stay put where He has directed till the appointed season. I said earlier that I felt a reverential sense of fear. How could I not when I am stepping into the unknown of endless insecurity (in human terms) again; yet knowing simultaneously that it is in the surrendering and stepping out that I am secured by His love and grace.

It was not too long ago when I told someone that as I sang the song "Oceans", I felt that the Lord has led me to the point where my life felt like it was in an unknown state, where I cannot feel my feet anymore: adrift amidst the currents. But I made it through that point of time in life - somehow. Perhaps I will be facing the same again, where the waters will be even deeper. But as crazy as it may be, I choose this again - "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders".

"Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, still be my vision, O ruler of all". 

The Usage of the Decalogue by Paul the Apostle in His Epistles

Posting my essay for my final year research project on my blog was not something that I had minded to do. However, after encouragements from my professor to submit my essay for publication in my school’s law journal, I have decided to do so through the medium of my blog instead, probably much to the disappointment of my professor. There are a few reasons for doing so: apart from me being lazy to work on my essay again in the midst of my Bar course, one reason being the perceived ‘liberty’ for me to express myself without further recourse to academic language in having to amend what I had sought to express (whether rightly or not). At heart of my essay is something intrinsically related to my understanding of the Christian faith: the power of the Holy Spirit to enable us to live a Christ-like life. The approach of the essay probably stemmed from this passage in Romans 8:1-4: "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh: That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Having had to express what is so deeply devotional and personal to me in academic language during my time of writing was exceptionally challenging – in some sense an unnecessary baggage to me. By no means am I trying to diminish the value and vast effort of academics and theologians in their research of Biblical law, and in this context, on Paul’s epistles; on the contrary, I have been greatly enlightened and enriched by their writings, and I stand indebted to their works. However, if what I am writing is fundamentally devotionally-related, whereby my chief purpose concerns the working of the Holy Spirit in our lives to enable us to walk in the dictates and nature of God’s laws in our everyday life, then it is my view that any further addition or amendments to it should shy away from an academic orientation. Besides, publishing something on the blog probably makes it more accessible to the world at large than a law journal.

My initial motivation for writing on Paul’s use of the Decalogue stems from the influence of his epistles (or what are classified as his epistles in the Bible) in my life. As a teenager stepping out of a childhood straddled with suicidal tendencies and struggling with esteem and self-pity issues at that time (all these while as a Christian), it was through Paul’s epistles that God reached out to me, opening my eyes to see a purpose in my life. Thus, Paul’s writings have a huge influence in shaping my perspectives towards my Christian faith and life as a whole. Given the aforesaid, I seized the opportunity to write about Paul’s usage of the Decalogue in his epistles. Apart from my affinity for Paul’s writings, I also chose the question for the following reason. The Ten Commandments were something given to the Israelites (notwithstanding its seemingly universal application) and thus occupy a unique position in the Israelite’s culture and tradition, particularly as God’s chosen people; this, however, did not prevent Paul from using the Ten Commandments in his epistles written to the Gentiles (both explicitly and implicitly). This is intriguing because Paul has called himself a “Hebrew of Hebrews; as touching the law, a Pharisee; touching the righteousness which is in the law, blameless”.  Given his background from the “straitest sect” of the Pharisee, and upbringing in the law at the feet of Gamaliel, I wanted to explore and write about his use of the Ten Commandments to the Gentile audience despite his identification with the Jewish culture and heritage.

Abstract of the essay: This essay seeks to examine Paul’s usage of the Decalogue in his epistles. It does so by starting with the explicit references to the Decalogue in Romans, and subsequently working towards implicit references in passages bearing resemblance in Galatians and 1 & 2 Corinthians. Paul’s usage and understanding of the Decalogue reflect both the influence of Hellenistic-Judaism and his interpretation of the history of Israel. Furthermore, its usage is also located within Paul’s thoughts on the relationships between the Law and the Spirit, the flesh and the Spirit; and the fulfilment of the Law. Using the Decalogue, Paul paints the plight of the inability to fulfil the Law due to the weakness of the flesh, and offers the solution of fulfilling the righteousness of the Law through the Spirit in Christ.

If I have failed to put you off reading it with the mass of words above, I hope you will find the essay of some use. The essay can be accessed via this link: “The Usage of the Decalogue by Paul the Apostle in His Epistles”. However, you ought to bear in mind the following criticism by my examiners: “the project loses its way a little and its second half does not quite draw full conclusions on the differences between different passages and contexts.”

Light itself was your first love

During the winter of 2011, I told I friend that I liked the cold. Having studied at Scotland previously and working at Northern Ireland then, she said I was crazy. She's right. During the most recent winter, I couldn't wait for Spring to come. As much as snow is beautiful, I was hoping that it wouldn't snow at all. I just wanted winter to pass by as soon as possible. I had enough of having to stay under my duvet because my room is too cold for comfort, or to attempt writing my coursework whilst dressed in 4-5 layers, along with gloves and hat in my room. So much for liking the cold. The closure of the school libraries, signalling the end of my source of reliable heating and wifi, had the following effect (taken from #SeniorThesisProblems): 

As of now, I find myself sitting comfortably in a temperature I had previously sought to escape from. Although the humidity and heat in Singapore is not the most comfortable, I would rather live in it it than the cold damp subzero weather of UK during winter. It did cross my mind a few times: how did I ever like the cold? I suppose it was the sense of excitement, curiosity and amazement to a new environment back then. What more, I couldn't wait to get away from Singapore back then - even contemplated on not coming back during the summer of 2012. There was a keen sense of exploration within me back then and I enjoyed, even feasted on, what the new environment in the UK offered. Many new experiences, even if simple, was fascinating: the sky turning dark at 4pm during winter, the birth of life in Spring, the blossoms, the bluebells etc. I recall sitting by the window in my hall for an hour, waiting for the moon to rise above the nearby hill so that I can capture it as it rose near Cabot tower. Taking walks and photographs of my surroundings were frequent occurrences. 

However, with the passage of time,  I gradually settled into my new environment and started losing that sense of curiosity. Even before breathtaking landscape, I seemed to have lost that sense of wonder and amazement. I felt that this was quite telling from the photos that I took - they lacked a feel to it. Almost bland and shallow - soul-ess photos. Due to various reasons, my Fuji S5 Pro left my hands soon after the start of my third year. I was without a camera for half a year. It was a good thing I suppose - I started learning to appreciate things (in general), to feel the essence of certain things; blue skies and sunsets started becoming more than photography opportunities once more (of which I have somewhat lost my connection with it as well). 

Like how I pondered and mused about why I should be writing, it was extended to the taking of photos as well despite my getting of a new camera a few months back. A few nights ago, I wandered out to a seaside near my place. It has been my place of escape ever since I came back and I wanted to try taking some photos of the night scene. There was no explanation for the feeling of wanting to take the photos; it was just that sort of feeling that compels you to do something: like how I will try to play Bach's violin sonatas and partitas at times though I never fail to butcher. Anyhow, the photos turned out to be a surprise and I was somewhat inspired to take photos once more (strange as it sounds). I thought the photo (un-brilliant as it might be) captured the confluence of the various, if not slightly contradicting feelings contained within me.

 

Perhaps, this may be a small stepping stone towards acquiring a curious and creative mind once more. As what C.S. Lewis' wrote in The Great Divorce:

"No. You're forgetting," said the Spirit. "That was not how you began. Light itself was your first love: you loved paint only as a means of telling about light."

Antique Fool

I had to suppress the mischievous urge to ask how much can I fetch.  

Paradoxical Searching

It was not my initial intention at all to stop writing in this space for the past nine months. On the contrary, there were numerous occasions where I have decided to write a post about something but failed to do so for various reasons. Some of these attempted posts included my thoughts and reflections following my visit to the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp in Krakow, Poland (photos here); also my academic and theological struggles as I set about writing my essay for my final year research project on Biblical law - The Usage of the Decalogue in the Pauline Epistles. One reason for the hiatus is attributable to my lack of energy and motivation (increasing exponentially as school term progressed) to write outside the requirements of my school curriculum. My selection of subjects at school required me to constantly switch my mode of thinking across philosophy, sociology, theology, law and at times, anthropology. It was tiring to say the least. Once, having done my reading on insolvency law and moving on to my readings for Paul's writing on the Torah, I was left wondering in one cold winter night how insolvency law was ever linked to salvation. Writing different essays within the same time period on the said areas seemed to have had an effect of having multiple strands of Hegalian dialectic clashing within my mind all at once. All these extraction of abstraction led only to confusion and silent hopes for salvation. Drained of energy, blogging naturally fell out of my life during the said season. 

Although the above limits of energy and motivation contributed greatly to the hiatus, there has been another question which I was and still am not able to fully answer. This question has, it appears, to have been rather successful in putting me off from blogging for the past nine months. It is quite a simple question actually - put simply, why should I be writing and sharing my thoughts? I am not a good writer - my writings are neither inspiring nor elucidating. What is the worth of my writings then? Bearing in mind that I have had the tendency to publish posts either on general experiences of life or reproduction of passages by certain writers, my posts naturally have questionable worth of existence. In the former case, since general experiences of life usually take place in one form or another, then the sharing of them become rather redundant. In the latter case, what value does mere reproduction of writings and thoughts hold? After all, it is much better if one reads the actual writings and form one's interpretation of it instead of reading what's mine.

Yet, I am writing in this space after all. I kept asking myself why. I know not; at least, not knowing entirely. Perhaps, there is something that is intricate within the process of writing itself. The choice of words, framing of words, the thought process involved... maybe all these have an allure of their own. Little wonder why we appreciate poetry and well written essays and novels then... just as how we all have our preferences of writers and style of writing. Perhaps, there may be something about blogging that has gotten to me - a space for penning certain thoughts, a habit that has stuck with me for close to a decade. Paradoxically, I returned to this space to think through and write about why I should (or not) continue writing here. Parallel to this line of thought on writing has been that of photography - but photography is not about searching for that special photo. Photography's allure is more than just the output - the output is a reflection of the vision and creativity of the photographer, along with the necessary technical abilities to create the desired image. It may be that the same may be said of writing: it's not really about what is written but what has been put in to effect it. But surely, this is something that I am not incognisant to - why then do I ask?

For all this deliberation, there may be, like most of my other questions, no answer at all - lacking explanatory power, all I can liken at best to is the analogy that I may have been trying in vain to freeze and isolate a part of the "flowing" stream of life and consciousness. A pause?

Trailing off.