we walk by faith and not by sight

I was moping the week before I started my 6 months of Practice Training Contract (PTC). I found myself constantly sitting at the corner of my room pretending that reality was otherwise. This was not something I would have done in the past - I had loathed escapism and self-delusion to comfort myself. But I was just not able to bring myself to face it.

I was reduced to such a state because of fear. It was only when I started penning down my thoughts that I realised its insidious and pervasive nature. Granted, it wasn't just fear but an immense dislike towards what I have to face again.

In fact, if anyone had asked me if I was looking forward towards starting my PTC, my answer would have been an emphatic no. I was dreading it and here's a sample of what I experienced during my first phase of training and what I was dreading:

• having to stay in the law firm till late night for internal meetings and discussions for ongoing matters;
• having to stay past midnight hammering out court documents because clients are extremely capable of giving/changing instructions at the eleventh hour; 
• having to return to the law office to work during weekends;
• lacking energy even when I am not in the office because of the constant lack of sleep;
• not being able to invest time and energy in what I deem as more important; 
• having little form of activity of life outside of work; and
• I shall stop before this turns into a list of complaints and murmurings. 

As I reflected on these, I came to a realisation that it was not so much the dread per se but my fear on how these have previously affected my life, and how they may potentially do so. I could not see how it would be different this time round. Yet, my perception was premised on a lack of faith: a disbelief that God is able to work in my life even in the mundane things. My disbelief had the following effect: 

• my belief that God is sovereign is inconsistent with my everyday life where I resigned myself to the mercy of the systems in place; 
• I effectively placed God in a box because I was living by what I saw and experienced; and 
• on hindsight, the cumulative effect was that I may have denied God power and control over the minutiae of everyday life at work. 

It was only last week when I was impressed upon my heart over my lack of faith that I then realised its impact that it has had. As with other things in my life, the Lord has keep calling me to step out in faith. However, it is often easier to sit in the boat of fear and sink with it amidst the fear than stepping out into the unknown. 

The Lord is merciful in spite of my lack of faith and He surprised me with the unfolding of events this week. A matter that I was working on was scheduled to have its second tranche of the trial this week. I had spent the weekend staying up late going through documents and preparing cross-examination questions for the trial. I also expected an arduous week ahead because of the further trial preparation that we had to take our witness through. Remarkably, the matter got adjourned for the first two days as the Judge directed us to file a document to the Prosecution and for them to consider our position. On the third day, the Prosecution applied for a discharge amounting to acquittal. Instead of having a nightmare of a week due to work, I even got to leave home by the end of office hours on that day. 

The sermons that were delivered this weekend was on the same theme: walk by faith and not by sight. Do I trust in the word of God or do I believe more in my own experience and my past? If it is the latter, then I will only continue to restrain the workings of God because I simply do not give Him the room to do so. 

Learning to baby steps of faith to move out of the realm of fear

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Saviour"

Justice - at what price?

There were tears of joy as the news of the acquittal sunk in. I stood afar as I watched the client teared, the family members rejoicing and expressing their gratitude towards their Defence Counsel (my supervising solicitor). While he had previously carried an air of indignance, fear, and worry, these are now replaced with relief.  

Since the onset of the investigation, the criminal proceedings had hung over him for more 2 years. He had maintained his innocence since the first time he stepped into the law firm. He never wavered when the Prosecution amended to a lesser charge or the amount involved (something critical in a property offence). This was so even when going for trial to prove his innocence would be far costlier. On the other hand, if he elected to plead guilty, a fine might have been imposed.

When I was in the UK, one thing I learnt about miscarriage of justice is how people can plead guilty to crimes they did not commit as the short-term benefits outweigh the long term ones. In this case, the imposition of a fine would be a far cheaper alternative (in terms of economics). However, the client was insistent that he would never plead guilty to something he did not do. As a matter of principle, it cannot be done. He is right.

I applaud the client for his courage to fight for his innocence; the team was glad that he was acquitted. However, I could not shake off the lingering questions on the amount of legal costs spent on proving his innocence. What if the same amount was spent on a less-able Defence Counsel who botched up the job? What if the client was someone else with lesser financial abilities, would the same person have pleaded guilty just to reduce the financial burden? Justice has been administered – but at what cost?

As much as my questions are hypothetical, they are real factors of considerations by people facing legal problems. Just a day before the above incident, I sat through a meeting where a person who wanted to fight against a potential action simply had no financial ability to do so; the financial limits effectively ousted the weightier matter of rectitude and justice.

Are we placing a price-tag on justice?