Lately I pondered on the lack of job satisfaction that I have received. I have not derived any fulfilment from my job, even when I have managed to perform what I have purposed to do stepping into practice. It feels odd to me when, having invested so much effort in a case to obtain a particular result, I find no satisfaction in obtaining that result. It started with my first case as a trainee and has since continued till this day. Even when I have argued in the Court of Appeal in a landmark decision (a supposedly major event for any litigator), I only felt empty – or rather, mildly consoled that my performance was not catastrophic. Most recently, I was acting for a person who was facing a capital charge; he managed to avoid facing the death sentence eventually. This outcome was something the Defence team had worked hard for. I was told that my contribution should not be belittled and that I had play a substantial role in getting him spared of the gallows. However, these were all lost on me. I felt like I was simply a cog in the machinery of the criminal justice system - someone easily replaceable.
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The search for experience, especially meaningful experience can be a snare. I learnt this in my journey of faith many years ago. Our walk with God is not an experience-seeking journey. Yes, we encounter Him at times and we experience His goodness. But the experience is more of a by-product of how the will is being exercised. The same can be said of human relationship - a relationship cannot be sustained by "feel good" experiences and positive emotion. It has been said that "love is as much a question of the will as it is of the emotion. And if you will to love somebody, you can".
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Obedience is not premised on experience but a surrendering of our will to His. I came to realise that if my vocation and position is where I believe He has led me, then by extension, my accountability even in my profession is towards Him, and based on obedience to His will. It is not about my experience or the seeking of the same. Indeed, if my satisfaction and fulfilment is to in Christ, then a fortiori, I would not and should not be seeking fulfilment in my career. Ultimately, it is a question of obedience and how I answer to His call in my life.
