A First Class Struggle

This was something written more than a month ago of which I published as a note in Facebook. With the impending release of result and the current pit and mess I feel I have found myself to be in, I just thought of putting it as a reminder to self. Hopefully it will be of some use to those who find themselves in like experience too.

Isa 64:8  But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.

When we picture a potter at work with the clay, we can easily draw the inference of how the clay has neither power nor say in how and what it will be formed into. The potter has the entire say in the matter and he simply does what he deems fit. Yet we attempt the exact opposite in this process of moulding; times when we think it is enough, we like certain features to remain and perhaps to be left alone if possible; a paradox of the clay attempting to assert power over the potter.

Coming back to school this year has been challenging. Not least because of the academic demands, the uncertainties involved with staying in a new environment, but more so because of the undercurrent of pressure and expectations I had for myself. I knew that what had happened after the end of the first academic year has no bearing this year and I was very keen not to allow that to exert any pressure this year. Despite knowing what I had achieved last year was purely a result of His grace, there was this strong desire lurking within me to pursue (and attain) academic excellence. Why? Partly because of certain career path that require a first class degree, and perhaps partly because of high expectations: 72 is an ‘okay’ grade –just saying.

However, what really caused shudders deep in my heart was the knowledge that the Potter is going to deal with me with my attitude towards what He has given me. I was thankful and grateful for what has been given; and I wasn’t sure if I wanted Him to take it away if He pleases. “Behold, he taketh away, who can hinder him? who will say unto him, What doest thou?” (Job 9) I know He does what He wants, but can I have a willing heart? There were tell-tale signs of this right from the start of the year – time and time again during my devotion I read about how God wants our life to be Christ fulfilling instead of self fulfilling; that we have to atrophy all else in our heart such that He alone reigns. Each time I read this I felt a chill down my spine – I didn’t know how to respond. All I could do was to ask Him to help me learn to respond in the way He wants; I couldn’t bring myself then to say, “yes, take the first class and best overall student if You will” although I knew that was what was required of me. Set against such a struggle was the irony that I was still getting 78s for my formative assessments and ending up with an overall first class by the first term of my second year. Not a very encouraging sign for asking the Potter to remove them I suppose.

Somehow, things changed along the way; surprises (well, mostly disappointments) and incidents starting shaping my perspective. God engineered circumstances to show me how weak and frail I am; how undeserving I am of His love and grace. These started changing my outlook and surprisingly I started coming to terms with being able to accept what He gives (and takes). I remember one afternoon as I was praying and God strongly impressed this verse upon me: “Remove far from me vanity and lies: give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me:  Lest I be full, and deny thee, and say, Who is the LORD? or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain.” (Prov 30:8-9) It was a frightening verse, but I knew it was something that I need to respond to (albeit with reluctance…hmmph): give me not academic excellence, but only what is needful for me.

The journey continues. Despite my response (or lack of) thus far, things took a further change a few weeks back during our home group weekly bible study. We were studying the story in Luke about the woman who broke an alabaster jar and wiped Jesus’ feet with the oil. You might have heard this story countless times – what is precious to you? It is a familiar story to me and whatever may be preached from it too. Yet when we were led us to sing the song ‘Alabaster Jar’, I was deeply struck by how much Jesus gave for me, and how little and worthless all my ‘first class’ ambitions and expectations were - even more, how perverse it was for me to hold on to them instead of breaking this ‘jar’. It was amazing how the Potter touched the depth of my heart and changed my outlook.

He has more waiting. Subsequently, I found out that my one and only internship application was rejected. It was an amusing experience as I read the generic rejection letter addressed to ‘Dear students’. I know it was not a wise decision to put all my eggs into one basket, but then again, at the risk of sounding arrogant, you don’t really expect to get rejected when you are applying for a government internship with such results. Surely, unless He makes the way, no amount of what I have is of any use. Last Thursday, we sang ‘I desire Jesus’ and this really tied in to Psalm 27 that has been on my mind “One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.” I want my heart to only desire Jesus, not more first class results or some best student award.

With 7 more days to exam, I am so thankful for this peace I have – not because I feel prepared (in fact, I have never felt so unprepared for any law exam), and that I don’t have to fret over the outcome, for He gives me what I need. Having said these, I still encounter the struggles of having to deal with thoughts of still wanting to get more 78s; they lurk around and often can be an entanglement - highly highly frustrating when you are very behind your revision schedule (like now). But, the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Neither will you be in want. And I hope that when my results are out, I can say without any bitterness, “the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD”. With this, I end with this phrase by Jars of Clay “Offer your heart, I’ve given you mine”.

‘[Give] me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me’.

Post-Script

I really really don’t like talking about my results (also risks sounding like a show-off) but only did so to paint a more accurate picture and to juxtapose them against my struggles. Also, I didn’t write this because I want to share the journey and the struggles I am going through. Far from it – even reading Jurisprudence or Land law is much more appealing than writing such a note. But there has been a strong prompting for me to do so for the past week. It also wasn’t written because my results have plummeted terribly (they are still near okay, for now) or am I trying to pre-empt a disaster following the upcoming exam and the release of results (although highly possible unless a miracle happens) – so better save some face now. But whatever worth this piece of note may be of, I hope you may rest and let the Potter work too.

What suffice?

Another tall order written by Oswald Chambers - crux: is the life of Christ sufficient for us?

This is the unshakable secret of the Lord to those who trust Him – "I will give thee thy life." What more does a man want than his life? It is the essential thing. "Thy life for a prey" means that wherever you may go, even if it is into hell, you will come out with your life, nothing can harm it. So many of us are caught up in the shows of things, not in the way of property and possessions, but of blessings. All these have to go; but there is something grander that never can go – the life that is "hid with Christ in God."

 Are you prepared to let God take you into union with Himself, and pay no more attention to what you call the great things? Are you prepared to abandon entirely and let go? The test of abandonment is in refusing to say – "Well, what about this?" Beware of suppositions. Immediately you allow – What about this? – it means you have not abandoned, you do not really trust God. Immediately you do abandon, you think no more about what God is going to do. Abandon means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions. If you abandon entirely to God, He says at once, "Thy life will I give thee for a prey." The reason people are tired of life is because God has not given them anything, they have not got their life as a prey. The way to get out of that state is to abandon to God. When you do get through to abandonment to God, you will be the most surprised and delighted creature on earth; God has got you absolutely and has given you your life. If you are not there, it is either because of disobedience or a refusal to be simple enough.

Vita Detestabilis

Stay on the chosen path. 

Spring Snow

Spring in my memories was sunshine, blooming flowers and nice cooling breeze. But it snowed today - I was secretly glad that it did despite the accompanying cold. Somehow, I just love snow: I love its whiteness and its symbol of purity (Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow (Psalm 51)); I love how they slowly descend from the heavens, dancing about as the wind carries them. So carefree and beautiful; gentle yet terrifying...But what clear relief and enjoyment it was: walking through the snow while they swirled about me in the subzero wind, and watching them fall while I had my dinner of soup with toasted bread. Clearly, I have missed snow. 

Somewhat strangely, the snow followed a particular sequence where random occurrences triggered something buried within memories. Just earlier, I listened to a song that stopped me in my readings and forced me to search my memories to where I have heard the accompanying melody (a variation of Mozart it was, performed by Igudesman and Joo - something I watched 2-3 years back). Somehow, the snow brought to my mind a novel I read half a decade ago: Snow Falling on Cedars - a story of  growing up, love, pain, anger, hatred, letting go, forgiveness and moving on in life. Perhaps there was something that I found in parallel and hence its roots in my mind. "[Accident] ruled every corner of the universe except the chambers of the human heart". An accident it was then, snow in March - a paradox of untimely occurrence but sharp relief. 

"To deny that there was this dark side of life would be like pretending that the cold of winter was somehow only a temporary illusion, a way station on the way to the higher "reality" of long, warm, pleasant summers. But summer, it turned out, was no more real than the snow that melted in wintertime."

Snow falling on me. 

Out from the drudgeries

Huge waves that would frighten an ordinary swimmer produce a tremendous thrill for the surfer who has ridden them. Let’s apply that to our own circumstances. The things we try to avoid and fight against— tribulation, suffering, and persecution— are the very things that produce abundant joy in us. “We are more than conquerors through Him” “in all these things”; not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. A saint doesn’t know the joy of the Lord in spite of tribulation, but because of it. Paul said, “I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation” - Oswald Chambers

I love thrilling activities that create excitement and offer challenges to overcome: sky-diving is the next thing I am looking forward to doing. But having said that, Oswald Chambers idea of applying the concept of tremendous thrill to our own circumstances just seems too much. It is frightening at times to read what he writes - while often stirring in the spirit, they are 'drastic, decisive and destructive' to the natural life. One just has to read his books  "Christian Disciplines" and "Biblical Ethics" to realise how much despair it can cause to one who is set on self-realisation instead of Christ-realisation. It is not untrue to say that there are times when one catch sight of the feeling produced in the heart of the rich young ruler when Jesus told him to sell all his riches to the poor and follow Him. On other occasions, it perplexes and terrifies one to even consider what God might bring one through in the refining fire. But of course, once considered through faith and a renewed mind in Christ, it also brings about the realisation that the only way forward is to surrender and follow the Lamb wherever He leads. The path forward gets increasing narrow as any room left for jostling against God diminishes exponentially - circumstances do not permit it anyway. Inevitably one has to reach a point where one is able to align oneself with Paul's statement that "all things are loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus" or to become "very sorrowful" towards God's call. His grace is sufficient. 

"We are more than conquerors through Him"

Patience

"There are no dates
In His fine leisure."

12/12/12

Another construct of time and existence. 

But it is always through the appreciation of ordinary things that we find the mundane unique. 

晏殊《浣溪沙》

一曲新词酒一杯， 

去年天气旧亭台。 

夕阳西下几时回？ 

无可奈何花落去， 

似曾相识燕归来。 

小园香径独徘徊。 

Trust

"The one great crime on [our part], is worry. Whenever we begin to calculate without God, we commit sin.

It is very easy to trust in God when there is no difficulty, but that is not trust at all, it is simply letting the mind rest in a complacement mood; but when there is trouble, there is death, where is our trust in God? The clearest evidence that God's grace is at work in our heart is that we do not get into panics."

Christian Disciplines, Oswald Chambers

Redefining Marriage? No.

"Marriage is not to be reduced to being only for "sexually-intimate companionship" disconnected from its biological and societal functions". The following extract is a newspaper article on what one of my law professor, Julian Rivers, has written in response to the proposal of the UK Government to allow same sex marriage. The original article can be found here. 

“Changing the legal definition of marriage will likewise reflect and support a different view of what marriage is and what it is for.”
According to Rivers, any such change will confirm and bolster the already dangerous trends of “excessive individualism of modern Western society, as well as the collapse of participation in all forms of social action.” It will “reduce” marriage to being only for “sexually-intimate companionship,” disconnecting the institution from its biological and societal functions.
It will also create a social threat to the wellbeing of children, Rivers said. Referring to the UN’s Convention on the Rights of the Child, he said, “Every child has a moral claim on her natural father and mother, grounded in the fact that they brought her into being and that it is in principle good for every child to be brought up by her natural parents committed in relationship to each other and to her.”“Breaking the intrinsic connections between marriage, childbearing and kinship risks the further commodification of children, in which children become ‘ultimate accessories’ – means to the ends of their parents, and ultimately subject to their agendas, rather than persons of equal worth, with an equal stake in the success of the marriage.”
The notion that natural marriage “discriminates” based on sexual orientation is the basis of the argument for same-sex “marriage,” Rivers said. But the real question is whether this discrimination is unjust. Rivers argues that far from traditional marriage being unjust, it “secures the equal value of men and women,” and “promotes the welfare of children.” Civil partnerships already grant other types of unions full legal security.
“Any law which sets criteria for anything discriminates,” he wrote. While it is right to prohibit distinctions based on sex, race, religion or age in political life, business or employment, “sometimes it is right to draw distinctions even on these grounds.” He gave the example of the law that prohibits children under 16 from marrying.
The government’s proposals have failed “to distinguish rationally between relationships and arrangements which are and are not to be treated as marriage in law.”
Moreover, redefining marriage to create a new “gender-blind” institution will threaten the legitimate social advances made by women over the last 100 years.
“Marriage as currently defined is the central social institution which expresses the idea that men and women are equally valuable as men and women. It is only marriage which harnesses gender difference to the purposes of social cooperation.
“Almost all other ways in which difference is acknowledged – from sports teams to public lavatories – depend on segregation. Sexual union in marriage reinforces a comprehensive ‘together-in-otherness’ of male and female.”
Rivers said that the arguments against same-sex “marriage” coming from religious convictions are legitimate and need to be heard – particularly in a country where the great majority identify themselves as Christian – but are not the only arguments worth making. The government’s proposal, he wrote, fails to address “the fundamental question of what a marriage is, and thus it fails to identify and defend the boundaries of any new definition”.
“At root,” he said, the meaning of marriage is socially, not legally defined. It is not the law that makes marriage what it is, but the law that follows the “socially-given expectations”. Marriage itself, in other words, is the underlying, objective reality with the law merely following that template. 

Source: http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/redefine-marriage-threaten-social-advances-of-women-rights-of-children-uk-l

Interwoven

Past reflection amidst present thoughts:

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to travel to London for a training conference organised by Innocent Network UK. Given the duration of travel by coach, the journey served as a break whilst I listened to Arvo Part’s album Da Pacem, watched the sceneries and gave thought on what has happened since my return to Bristol.

Time has passed by at a terribly frightening pace and I have found myself constantly trying to keep up with what is going on at school. Some modules have been very difficult for me; I actually gave up on the reading materials because I could make no sense out of them. The idea of ‘free time’ has become obsolete as most of us start realising that we have so many things to attend to that we have to learn how to make time for things instead. A constant challenge is to not lose sight of what is fundamental and important in life.

I love how Oswald Chamber (O.C.) wrote about Paul having a strong steady spiritual coherence in his internal being – he could let his external life change as it liked and it did not distress him because he was rooted and grounded in God. This is in contrast to us, who are often being in coherent because of the amount of unrelated emotion and phases of external things we have in us: a mixture. Paul’s consistency was down in the fundamentals. I suppose this encapsulates what I have been learning since returning.

Amidst the current state of affairs, I have been constantly confronted with the theme of waiting and resting upon Him – “in returning and rest… in quietness and confidence… labouring to rest in Him”, as opposed to tending to the many things that cry for my attention and demand my ‘required effort and input to make it work’. In the case of being a law student in the penultimate year, this defies common sense as it is probably the norm to start worrying and thinking about my training contract. 

Perhaps in one sense, it really is about what O.C. has written: learning to be grounded and rooted in Him through the seasons of waiting, resting and surrendering; not just in relation to school and career but also in all matters of life. I suppose it is about seeing Him governing and scrutinising over every minute detail in my life even in the routine and mundane schedule. On the other hand, it feels like an adventure as I move forward towards uncertainties (at least to the human understanding)- stepping out yet ‘not knowing whither’. It feels like a challenge to have that reckless faith and trust in defiance of logic.

My thoughts were interrupted as a bird flew into the path of the coach travelling down the motorway – the sound of something being smashed and a mangled mess of feathers flew pass my window.

 “Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? And one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows.” Matt 10:29-31

Mess

I am my own affliction.

Trust and Betrayal

Purity and Corruption 

"Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith." Proverbs 15:17

Why Bother Praying?

“Your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him” Then why should we ask? The point of prayer is not to get answers from God, but to have perfect and complete oneness with Him. If we pray only because we want answers, we will become irritated and angry with God. We receive an answer every time we pray, but it does not always come in the way we expect, and our spiritual irritation shows our refusal to identify ourselves truly with our Lord in prayer. We are not here to prove that God answers prayer, but to be living trophies of God’s grace...When you seem to have no answer, there is always a reason— God uses these times to give you deep personal instruction, and it is not for anyone else but you. - Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest 

Of mote and beam

Luke 6:40-41 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own. Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother's eye.

This passage has stayed with me since the Friday before the last. I still can remember the phrase clearly in my ears, 'always remember that when you can see the mote in someone else's eyes, there is a beam in your own'. Clearly, this is not to mean that we are being ignorant and accommodating of what is wrong; but before I become quick to judge, I clearly need to examine myself. People are placed around us so that we can see ourselves as we truly are: 'Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.'

I was reading a passage written by Oswald Chambers and he puts it across so beautifully: "Many of the things in life that inflict the greatest injury, grief, or pain, stem from the fact that we suffer from illusions. We are not true to one another as facts, seeing each other as we really are; we are only true to our misconceived ideas of one another. According to our thinking, everything is either delightful and good, or it is evil, malicious, and cowardly."

Left hanging

Chasing a dream, or what I thought it was

Prague Castle and Charles Bridge

Prague has always been a place that I'd wanted to visit since I was young. Having read up on its beauty with all the Bohemia architectures, it was one of the places, along with Iceland, that I told myself to visit while studying in the UK. This summer I had the opportunity to visit the place with some of my housemates-to-be. A dream come true? Perhaps. Maybe not.

Sometimes, we chase after dreams not knowing that what we are seeking is not reality but merely a erroneous perception. I guess my visit to Prague was pretty much like this. Prague is without a doubt, a really beautiful place. But I felt that so much of it has been commercialised; I was greeted with hordes of tourists and touristy gimmicks. If you are looking for a quiet escape, I really don't think it's the place to visit. But if you don't mind the army of tourists, it still is a nice place to go to, especially if you love those Gothic buildings.

On a side note, I suppose it is good to really know what we are striving for in life. What a shame if what we work towards is nothing like what we'd thought in reality. But then again, few things in life are ever certain.

A $28 Tragedy

The beauty of sandy beach with crystal clear water teeming with marine life made me head back to Tioman for the past few days. The last time I went there, I used my dslr with a dicapac underwater casing for my snorkelling trips but it was not to my liking so I decided to try something else this time. Somehow I ended up with a $28 film camera with underwater casing. All I can say is that it was a tragedy with leakage on the first trip and the underwater casing becoming totally useless once I got back to shore. I can only hope that the shots that I'd taken prior to that could be salvaged and the same goes for the land shots. It is rather sad when you somewhat know that there is a high possibility that the photos developed will be quite bad even before you do it! Nonetheless, it was a good experience shooting with film. Tioman again? Why not!

In Remembrance of Iceland

Being in Iceland was such an inspiring and profound experience. I miss its vast landscape and the sense of awe that stayed with me as my eyes feasted on the beauty of it all: geysers, waterfall, volcanoes, lava fields and glaciers etc. Arvo Part's composition of My Heart is in the Highlands probably captures the mood as one looks back at the memory of the place. There is so much to be discovered of the place and I will most probably be back again. In remembrance of Iceland, I have uploaded a (really) few photos that I took while I was there. You can view them here.

Sölheimajökull Glacier

A free man

"We are not fundamentally free; external circumstances are not in our hands, they are in God’s hands, the one thing in which we are free is in our personal relationship to God. We are not responsible for the circumstances we are in, but we are responsible for the way we allow those circumstances to affect us; we can either allow them to get on top of us, or we can allow them to transform us into what God wants us to be."  Conformed to His Image, Oswald Chambers

Litany

This is an English translation of St. John Chrysostum's 24 prayers that Arvo Part used for his composition - something that I had only discovered recently and am enjoying listening to: Litany

O Lord, of Thy heavenly bounties deprive me not.

O Lord, deliver me from the eternal torments.

O Lord, forgive me if I have sinned in my mind or my thought, whether in word or in deed.

O Lord, free me from all ignorance and forgetfulness, from despondency and stony insensibility.

O Lord, deliver me from every temptation.

O Lord, enlighten my heart which evil desires have darkened.

O Lord, as a man I have sinned, have though mercy on me, as the God full of compasion, seeing the feebleness of my soul.

O Lord, send down Thy grace to help me, that I may glorify Thy name.

O Lord Jesus Christ, write me down in the book of life and grant unto me a good end.

O Lord my God, even if I had not done anything good before Thee, do Thou help me, in Thy grace, to make a good beginning.

O Lord, sprinkle into my heart the dew of Thy grace.

O Lord of heaven and earth, remember me, Thy sinful servant, full of shame and imurity, in Thy kingdom. Amen

O Lord, receive me in my penitence.

O Lord, forsake me not.

O Lord, lead me not into misfortune.

O Lord, quicken in me a good thought.

O Lord, give me tears and remembrance of death, and contrition.

O Lord, make me solicitous of confessing my sins.

O Lord, give me humility, chastity and obedience.

O Lord, give me patience, magnanimity and meekness.

O Lord, implant in me the root of all good - Thy fear in my heart.

O Lord, vouch safe that I may love Thee from all my soul and mind and in everything do Thy will.

O Lord, shelter me from certain men, from demons and passions, and from any other unbecoming thing.

O Lord, Thou knowest that Thou dost as Thy willest, let then Thy will be done in me, sinner, for blessed art Thou unto the ages. Amen.

Familiarity

A familiar pathway and sight

I got back to the tiny sunny (scorching) island a few days back and have surprisingly adjusted back to the environment fairly quickly. It was not too long ago when I was talking with my friends about how we will face trouble getting used to the heat, the crowd, and the mannerism of the people here. It seems that having  lived on this soil for more than two decades made the transition easier than expected. Hopefully I will be able to make good use of the time I have during this summer break in this concrete jungle.

On a side note, the passing of time and season amidst the familiar sights have brought to remembrance this particular passage that I studied many years back by 晏殊 titled 《浣溪沙》：
一曲新词酒一杯，去年天气旧亭台，夕阳西下几时回？ 无可奈何花落去，似曾相识燕归来，小园香径独徘徊。