Quiet Roars from Within

"Dr Tan Lai Yong" is a name I have heard many a times during my conversations with my friends regarding serving in the community. However, apart from knowing his contribution towards improving the health care of a rural village in China, and that he was a student in Temasek Junior College (the topic causing my friend to bring up his name), I knew little else about him. The opportunity in finding out more about him came when my course manager from Temasek Polytechnic posted a link about Dr. Tan giving a talk in the school. The brief introduction about Dr. Tan intrigued me and I spent some time thereafter finding out as much as I could from Google about him. The information I unearthed left a deep impression; I found him to be a really inspiring character, yet I could not but help feel a certain sense of dreadfulness in response to a situation I have found myself in. Dread not in the sense of any negative connotation, but of being in awe, and perhaps a sense of reverential fear. 

In this article, the writer recorded how Dr. Tan told the solemniser to recite these verses from Proverbs as his wedding prayer:"Two things have I asked of You [O Lord]; deny them not to me before I die: Remove far from me falsehood and lies; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, Lest I be full and deny You and say, Who is the Lord? Or lest I be poor and steal, and so profane the name of my God." This was not something that I had expected to hear as a wedding prayer. To quote the article: "In Dr Tan's words, it was the “craziest thing” he has ever done. It set the tone for life thereafter, and liberated him to “step out of the box”, again and again." His wedding prayer did not go unanswered: "At 53, the Singaporean doctor has no home to his name. No car. One pair of jeans he lives in. And lots of hand-me-down checked shirts. Lunch is often a loaf of plain bread, wolfed down on the run." I found this, along with his contributions in China then and in Singapore now to be really inspiring and respectable. However, what really shook me was the fact that I was prompted to say this prayer as well when I struggled with letting go of my own desires for academic excellence (recounted here). The verse also liberated me, spurring and challenging me to trust that what the Lord provides is sufficient. With the buzz of events that happened lately, it appears that my prayer was something that the Lord wanted me to learn beyond my struggle towards academic excellence. This was not something I had expected and what I found out about Dr Tan set the tone for how I should respond to the situation I have found myself in. 

Unlike most of my peers, I came back to Singapore in the summer of 2013 without any legal internship position arranged during my summer break. Since I had a fair amount of free time available, I decided that I should do something productive by looking for law firms that were offering positions for legal training and training contract (all these to fulfil my requirements to become a qualified lawyer). Thankfully I managed to secure a position at a particular law firm (let's call it Firm A) - having gone for the interview and feeling positive about what they told me about certain features of the firm, I accepted their offer for the trainee position. Although I was thankful that I need not be concerned with finding a place for training during my final year, I couldn't help but wonder why the Lord has arranged for this particular place for me to train at whilst at the same time blessing me with grades that allowed me to apply to places that may appear to offer a more prestigious and high flying career. It felt paradoxical that the Lord was, on one hand, dealing with my then-hidden ambitions for academic excellence vis-a-vis career path, and on the other, blessing me with more than what I need. Anyhow, I recall talking to a friend back then that the receiving of the result could be a test too - will I take what He has given me (which belongs to Him) and turn it into mine to further my plans? I knew well then that it was an act of God for me to receive the grades I did in my second year; if so, am I to frustrate His grace? Despite the acceptance of my training position in Firm A, I still harboured a plan at the back of my mind to attempt another career path (let's call it X) if I manage to graduate with the required result.

Shortly before the release of my examination results and degree classification, I used the lyrics from "Be Thou my Vision" as my prayer: "Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, still be my vision, O ruler of all". It would have been a lie to say that I was not feeling nervy at all whilst waiting for the results to be released. But despite my apprehension of the outcome, I didn't want my desires to cause me to lose sight of having to set my focus upon Him and trusting in His provision. Strangely enough, as I was praying for this matter a few days before, I felt a prompting signifying the sort of result I would receive, but I was not to use it for applying for X. In the words of someone, it was odd that I will receive such a direction - not to even apply for it. Eventually, what the prompting signified came to pass, and I decided to obey it and not make an application for X.

Although my decision then seemed strange then, I subsequently realised why the Lord had directed me in such a manner. Back then, Firm A had not finalised my training allowance and I had yet to find out from other trainees how it is like. When I eventually found out about my allowance and other matters, it was significantly below what I had expected. That, along with other factors, would have caused me to choose X above Firm A should I get an offer (though unlikely) - and it would have been much harder for me say "no" to an offer for X. It was through this that I realised my previous stance on how I wasn't going into the legal industry for its money or material benefits was shakier than I'd imagined. It caused me to re-assess why I studied law in the first place: "Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy: rid them out of the hand of the wicked.". If this was truly my motto, then why the comparison with my peers who are getting training allowance that's twice of mine, along with a whole load of other benefits? It was at this period when I stumbled across the article on Dr. Tan, along with the verses: "give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, Lest I be full and deny You and say, Who is the Lord? Or lest I be poor and steal, and so profane the name of my God."

To say that there was no struggle against the fulfilment of my own prayer 1 year ago would have been deceiving myself. When I said that prayer back then, I didn't expect it to go beyond the realm of my academic pursuit. It was as though a spectre of my past was back to haunt - but why should I see it as something haunting me? Is this not a blessing and provision from my Provider - my all in all as I have claimed? Why then the revolt against it?  With the benefit of hindsight, it was as though I was living in the realm described aptly by C.S. Lewis:

As a young man wants a regular allowance from his father which he can count on as his own, within which he makes his own plans (and rightly, for his father is after all a fellow creature) so they desired to be on their own, to take care for their own future, to plan for pleasure and for security, to have a meum from which, no doubt, they would pay some reasonable tribute to God in the way of time, attention, and love, but which nevertheless, was theirs not His. They wanted, as we say, to "call their souls their own". But that means to live a lie, for our souls are not, in fact, our own. They wanted some corner in the universe of which they could say to God, "This is our business, not yours.” 

My reaction (with dread) veered towards the exact perilous attitude that I had sought to avoid:  to take what He has blessed me with and call it mine. I was faced with the options before me: to obey, or to take flight. Perhaps one may be inclined to feel that God appears to be uncharitable, or worse still, playing what is seemingly a mean joke on me by frustrating the very capacity He has produced with giving me a first class degree - "the monkey trick of a spite imbecile". But probe deeper, and one realises it is a marvellous lesson planned. As Paul said, "for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me." I have been learning to be content when I am in abundance (or at least I will like to think so), but can I learn to be content when I am not enjoying what society may deem as material abundance, where my monthly training allowance is probably less than that of working at a fast food restaurant and my working hours far exceeding that? I cannot say I know how to be content in whatever situation He has placed me in if I have only known abundance. Thus for now, the challenge is to learn to stay put where He has directed till the appointed season. I said earlier that I felt a reverential sense of fear. How could I not when I am stepping into the unknown of endless insecurity (in human terms) again; yet knowing simultaneously that it is in the surrendering and stepping out that I am secured by His love and grace.

It was not too long ago when I told someone that as I sang the song "Oceans", I felt that the Lord has led me to the point where my life felt like it was in an unknown state, where I cannot feel my feet anymore: adrift amidst the currents. But I made it through that point of time in life - somehow. Perhaps I will be facing the same again, where the waters will be even deeper. But as crazy as it may be, I choose this again - "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders".

"Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, still be my vision, O ruler of all". 

The Usage of the Decalogue by Paul the Apostle in His Epistles

Posting my essay for my final year research project on my blog was not something that I had minded to do. However, after encouragements from my professor to submit my essay for publication in my school’s law journal, I have decided to do so through the medium of my blog instead, probably much to the disappointment of my professor. There are a few reasons for doing so: apart from me being lazy to work on my essay again in the midst of my Bar course, one reason being the perceived ‘liberty’ for me to express myself without further recourse to academic language in having to amend what I had sought to express (whether rightly or not). At heart of my essay is something intrinsically related to my understanding of the Christian faith: the power of the Holy Spirit to enable us to live a Christ-like life. The approach of the essay probably stemmed from this passage in Romans 8:1-4: "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh: That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Having had to express what is so deeply devotional and personal to me in academic language during my time of writing was exceptionally challenging – in some sense an unnecessary baggage to me. By no means am I trying to diminish the value and vast effort of academics and theologians in their research of Biblical law, and in this context, on Paul’s epistles; on the contrary, I have been greatly enlightened and enriched by their writings, and I stand indebted to their works. However, if what I am writing is fundamentally devotionally-related, whereby my chief purpose concerns the working of the Holy Spirit in our lives to enable us to walk in the dictates and nature of God’s laws in our everyday life, then it is my view that any further addition or amendments to it should shy away from an academic orientation. Besides, publishing something on the blog probably makes it more accessible to the world at large than a law journal.

My initial motivation for writing on Paul’s use of the Decalogue stems from the influence of his epistles (or what are classified as his epistles in the Bible) in my life. As a teenager stepping out of a childhood straddled with suicidal tendencies and struggling with esteem and self-pity issues at that time (all these while as a Christian), it was through Paul’s epistles that God reached out to me, opening my eyes to see a purpose in my life. Thus, Paul’s writings have a huge influence in shaping my perspectives towards my Christian faith and life as a whole. Given the aforesaid, I seized the opportunity to write about Paul’s usage of the Decalogue in his epistles. Apart from my affinity for Paul’s writings, I also chose the question for the following reason. The Ten Commandments were something given to the Israelites (notwithstanding its seemingly universal application) and thus occupy a unique position in the Israelite’s culture and tradition, particularly as God’s chosen people; this, however, did not prevent Paul from using the Ten Commandments in his epistles written to the Gentiles (both explicitly and implicitly). This is intriguing because Paul has called himself a “Hebrew of Hebrews; as touching the law, a Pharisee; touching the righteousness which is in the law, blameless”.  Given his background from the “straitest sect” of the Pharisee, and upbringing in the law at the feet of Gamaliel, I wanted to explore and write about his use of the Ten Commandments to the Gentile audience despite his identification with the Jewish culture and heritage.

Abstract of the essay: This essay seeks to examine Paul’s usage of the Decalogue in his epistles. It does so by starting with the explicit references to the Decalogue in Romans, and subsequently working towards implicit references in passages bearing resemblance in Galatians and 1 & 2 Corinthians. Paul’s usage and understanding of the Decalogue reflect both the influence of Hellenistic-Judaism and his interpretation of the history of Israel. Furthermore, its usage is also located within Paul’s thoughts on the relationships between the Law and the Spirit, the flesh and the Spirit; and the fulfilment of the Law. Using the Decalogue, Paul paints the plight of the inability to fulfil the Law due to the weakness of the flesh, and offers the solution of fulfilling the righteousness of the Law through the Spirit in Christ.

If I have failed to put you off reading it with the mass of words above, I hope you will find the essay of some use. The essay can be accessed via this link: “The Usage of the Decalogue by Paul the Apostle in His Epistles”. However, you ought to bear in mind the following criticism by my examiners: “the project loses its way a little and its second half does not quite draw full conclusions on the differences between different passages and contexts.”

Light itself was your first love

During the winter of 2011, I told I friend that I liked the cold. Having studied at Scotland previously and working at Northern Ireland then, she said I was crazy. She's right. During the most recent winter, I couldn't wait for Spring to come. As much as snow is beautiful, I was hoping that it wouldn't snow at all. I just wanted winter to pass by as soon as possible. I had enough of having to stay under my duvet because my room is too cold for comfort, or to attempt writing my coursework whilst dressed in 4-5 layers, along with gloves and hat in my room. So much for liking the cold. The closure of the school libraries, signalling the end of my source of reliable heating and wifi, had the following effect (taken from #SeniorThesisProblems): 

As of now, I find myself sitting comfortably in a temperature I had previously sought to escape from. Although the humidity and heat in Singapore is not the most comfortable, I would rather live in it it than the cold damp subzero weather of UK during winter. It did cross my mind a few times: how did I ever like the cold? I suppose it was the sense of excitement, curiosity and amazement to a new environment back then. What more, I couldn't wait to get away from Singapore back then - even contemplated on not coming back during the summer of 2012. There was a keen sense of exploration within me back then and I enjoyed, even feasted on, what the new environment in the UK offered. Many new experiences, even if simple, was fascinating: the sky turning dark at 4pm during winter, the birth of life in Spring, the blossoms, the bluebells etc. I recall sitting by the window in my hall for an hour, waiting for the moon to rise above the nearby hill so that I can capture it as it rose near Cabot tower. Taking walks and photographs of my surroundings were frequent occurrences. 

However, with the passage of time,  I gradually settled into my new environment and started losing that sense of curiosity. Even before breathtaking landscape, I seemed to have lost that sense of wonder and amazement. I felt that this was quite telling from the photos that I took - they lacked a feel to it. Almost bland and shallow - soul-ess photos. Due to various reasons, my Fuji S5 Pro left my hands soon after the start of my third year. I was without a camera for half a year. It was a good thing I suppose - I started learning to appreciate things (in general), to feel the essence of certain things; blue skies and sunsets started becoming more than photography opportunities once more (of which I have somewhat lost my connection with it as well). 

Like how I pondered and mused about why I should be writing, it was extended to the taking of photos as well despite my getting of a new camera a few months back. A few nights ago, I wandered out to a seaside near my place. It has been my place of escape ever since I came back and I wanted to try taking some photos of the night scene. There was no explanation for the feeling of wanting to take the photos; it was just that sort of feeling that compels you to do something: like how I will try to play Bach's violin sonatas and partitas at times though I never fail to butcher. Anyhow, the photos turned out to be a surprise and I was somewhat inspired to take photos once more (strange as it sounds). I thought the photo (un-brilliant as it might be) captured the confluence of the various, if not slightly contradicting feelings contained within me.

 

Perhaps, this may be a small stepping stone towards acquiring a curious and creative mind once more. As what C.S. Lewis' wrote in The Great Divorce:

"No. You're forgetting," said the Spirit. "That was not how you began. Light itself was your first love: you loved paint only as a means of telling about light."

Antique Fool

I had to suppress the mischievous urge to ask how much can I fetch.  

Paradoxical Searching

It was not my initial intention at all to stop writing in this space for the past nine months. On the contrary, there were numerous occasions where I have decided to write a post about something but failed to do so for various reasons. Some of these attempted posts included my thoughts and reflections following my visit to the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp in Krakow, Poland (photos here); also my academic and theological struggles as I set about writing my essay for my final year research project on Biblical law - The Usage of the Decalogue in the Pauline Epistles. One reason for the hiatus is attributable to my lack of energy and motivation (increasing exponentially as school term progressed) to write outside the requirements of my school curriculum. My selection of subjects at school required me to constantly switch my mode of thinking across philosophy, sociology, theology, law and at times, anthropology. It was tiring to say the least. Once, having done my reading on insolvency law and moving on to my readings for Paul's writing on the Torah, I was left wondering in one cold winter night how insolvency law was ever linked to salvation. Writing different essays within the same time period on the said areas seemed to have had an effect of having multiple strands of Hegalian dialectic clashing within my mind all at once. All these extraction of abstraction led only to confusion and silent hopes for salvation. Drained of energy, blogging naturally fell out of my life during the said season. 

Although the above limits of energy and motivation contributed greatly to the hiatus, there has been another question which I was and still am not able to fully answer. This question has, it appears, to have been rather successful in putting me off from blogging for the past nine months. It is quite a simple question actually - put simply, why should I be writing and sharing my thoughts? I am not a good writer - my writings are neither inspiring nor elucidating. What is the worth of my writings then? Bearing in mind that I have had the tendency to publish posts either on general experiences of life or reproduction of passages by certain writers, my posts naturally have questionable worth of existence. In the former case, since general experiences of life usually take place in one form or another, then the sharing of them become rather redundant. In the latter case, what value does mere reproduction of writings and thoughts hold? After all, it is much better if one reads the actual writings and form one's interpretation of it instead of reading what's mine.

Yet, I am writing in this space after all. I kept asking myself why. I know not; at least, not knowing entirely. Perhaps, there is something that is intricate within the process of writing itself. The choice of words, framing of words, the thought process involved... maybe all these have an allure of their own. Little wonder why we appreciate poetry and well written essays and novels then... just as how we all have our preferences of writers and style of writing. Perhaps, there may be something about blogging that has gotten to me - a space for penning certain thoughts, a habit that has stuck with me for close to a decade. Paradoxically, I returned to this space to think through and write about why I should (or not) continue writing here. Parallel to this line of thought on writing has been that of photography - but photography is not about searching for that special photo. Photography's allure is more than just the output - the output is a reflection of the vision and creativity of the photographer, along with the necessary technical abilities to create the desired image. It may be that the same may be said of writing: it's not really about what is written but what has been put in to effect it. But surely, this is something that I am not incognisant to - why then do I ask?

For all this deliberation, there may be, like most of my other questions, no answer at all - lacking explanatory power, all I can liken at best to is the analogy that I may have been trying in vain to freeze and isolate a part of the "flowing" stream of life and consciousness. A pause?

Trailing off.

240° South- Unst to Lerwick

Ruins as they were - Haroldswick

Inspired by the video 60° North, my fellow traveller (whom I will call S.) and I decided to travel to Shetland for our post-exam trip. However, unlike those people featured in the video, both of us were not in the shape to do anything at that level. Our 'bookworm-ish' lifestyle (at least for me) before the exams certainly did not bid well for the preparation of a forecasted 200 miles of cycling over the span of a few days. While we were initially joined by Y. and Z. for the trip, things happened along the way and only S. and myself could make it for the trip. Furthermore, instead of cycling a return journey from Sumburgh to Unst, we decided to only cycle from Unst to Lerwick, a much shorter journey from the initial plan. Given our exam schedule and the limitations of flights and ferry, we only had 2 days to cycle our planned journey - by basing my calculation on S. and my timing on the Bristol-Bath Railway cycling path, I'd thought that we had an abundance of time to complete the journey.

My previous account of my experience at Hermaness National Park set the mood for the remainder of my journey from Unst to Lerwick, and also the boat trip to Bressay/Noss. In short, hardly anything went according to what we had planned or expected.  There was nothing of the summer weather which I expected as it was just rain, windy and cold for almost everyday. According to the weather forecast, the highest wind-speed we encountered was 37 miles per hour and I still remember the wind blowing me and my bicycle off the side of the road while I attempted cycling in a straight line; together with the various long stretches of uphill ride, they made this cycling experience the toughest I ever experienced in my life. Even going downhill required much effort due to the headwind. Apart from "charactering building experience",  S. constantly quoted from 《三国演义》 where 孔明 said “谋事在人，成事在天。不可强也!" Ironically, the only days of sunshine throughout our trip was on the last day of cycling, and on the day we got back to Aberdeen. Indeed, the plans devised by man are prone to be thwarted by various circumstances - one can view as how it is a consistent and constant theme that only the counsel of the Lord endures.

Sunset at Lerwick on the only day of sunshine in Shetland

Despite how our plans were constantly altered throughout the trip, God's provision and seamless arrangement of events made things fall into place beautifully. Once, instead of sticking to our original plan to cycle to a particular location in an attempt to catch sight of otters, S. and I decided to abandon the plan and catch an earlier ferry crossing. Till now, I am not sure why we did so because we were rather keen on sighting the otters. However, the earlier ferry crossing enabled us to catch our bus to Lerwick (which was supposed to come later as per the schedule) so that we were able to get to our next destination on time. Apart from how our unplanned stuff fall into place, it was also a humbling experience to feel the power (and terror) of nature - apart from the wind and rain, the waves from the North Sea at Noss rocked me in the boat in an unprecedented fashion (I have experienced storms at sea before). Furthermore, seeing the handicraft of God vis the various wonders of nature unfolding before my eyes - be it the sight of countless gannets in the sky and along the cliffs, the seals littered along the shores or the dolphins playing in the sea - left me very much in awe. As I had just completed my examinations then and felt a strong sense of uncertainty towards my performance, and by implication, my results, I felt very much comforted by the experiences as I saw God's hand and provisions working profoundly even in the realm of nature.

Unshaken

Although I didn't get to stay for a longer time in Shetland, I was left with a deep impression of the place because of its character. Like Iceland, it gave me sense of 'wild-ness' that resonated with the adventurous side of me. Also, the trout-filled lochs call for a return next summer for some fly-fishing action. Because S. and I did not manage to complete the cycling journey as we had envisaged, we agreed to return to Shetland in 10 years time to complete it. Till then.

"And I'll fly with you through the night so you know I'm not letting go"

The Other Mirror

"I will govern my life and thoughts as if the whole world were to see the one and read the other, for what does it signify to make anything a secret to my neighbor, when to God, who is the searcher of our hearts, all our privacies are open?" Lucius Annaeus Seneca

The Unseen

"We are only what we are in the dark; all the rest is reputation. What God looks at is what we are in the dark—the imaginations of our minds; the thoughts of our heart; the habits of our bodies; these are the things that mark us in God’s sight." The Love of God - The Ministry of the Unnoticed  

"The higher the emotion, the purer the desire, the viler is the revenge in the moral character unless the emotion is worked out on its right level...Paul mention gross immorality in close connection with sanctification because every devotional emotion not worked on its own level will react on an immoral level secretly". The Moral Foundations of Life

240° South- Unst to Lerwick - A Prelude

Another gust of wind, and another wave of stinging sensation as the raindrops pelted against my face. There seemed to be no end to the onslaught from the downpour accompanied by howling winds capable of knocking me off balance. All I could hear was the pitter-patter of raindrops descending on my helmet - every drop wearing down my morale and appreciation of whatever wonderful natural landscape I was in. My waterproof (so I thought) windbreaker had failed me and I was thoroughly wet. The merciless cold was a perfect icing to the cake of misery - my limbs numbed and nearly cramping, celebrated by the acting up of a muscle injury at my thigh. The ride from Saxa Vord, of which I had expected to be an easy one felt otherwise due to the strong headwind and stretches of uphill ride. The walk at Hermaness National Nature Reserve was no better. Limping along, the sight of Great Skuas taking off and circling about in the air merely served to introduce the depressing thoughts of being dive-bombed by them. My fingers were so numb from the cold that I did not even want to take out my camera to capture the Puffins sighted along the cliff. Any hope of seeing Muckle Flugga lighthouse diminished with every step as low clouds enshrouded upon us. True to my silent prediction, the poor visibility forced my fellow traveller and I to turn back. Sounding the retreat bell, we aborted our mission of seeing the lighthouse and concluded our first day of 'adventure' for our much anticipated post-exam summer break in Shetland, where we'd envisaged cycling in sunshine and relatively comfortable temperature. For now, the hope and enthusiasm in my heart for the remaining days of cycling and journeying were as dull as the grey skies and as cold as the weather. 

To be continued... 

End of Life - to treat or not to treat?

Having done a module on medical law in my last academic year which involved a fair amount dealing with end of life decision-making, I found the article in the below link to be rather interesting, and definitely thought-provoking on issues pertaining to quality/quantity vis sanctity of life.

http://thehealthcareblog.com/blog/2012/08/06/how-doctors-die/

Just for laughs

Purely just for a good laugh (perhaps at how miserable law students/lawyers can become); please don't believe or (worse still) follow what is quoted here - although certain parts may contain some elements of truth. 

Written by Melvyn in http://melvynfoo.wordpress.com/2012/03/13/17-date-a-guy-who-reads-law/

Date a guy who reads law. Date a guy whose money you can spend because he has no time to spend it for himself. He has no problems with closet space because his books are too many and too heavy to buy. So he simply goes to the library instead. (Or asks his brother to borrow them from the library for him.)

 Find a guy who reads law. You’ll know that he does from the way he talks. He’ll use words that you have never heard before like ‘estoppel’ and ‘privity’, or spout random latin phrases like ‘noscitur a sociis’ and ‘ratio decidendi’. He’s the one that can write in impossibly long convoluted sentences such that no one else but a lawyer can understand him, because that’s the way that he learned to understand his readings, which are also written in that same impossibly long convoluted way, like the way most statutes are written – not that he gives a damn about the way statutes are written. Or he can write in plain English. You see the guy who is too rational to be a jock, but too exciting to be a nerd? That’s the lawyer. They can never resist rationalizing their excitement, nor can they resist exciting their rationality.

He’s the one that you don’t really see in a suit because he wears it too often to bother to wear it just to impress you. If you talk to him about love, he’ll tell you that love is both a defense to the crime and an element of the crime itself. Challenge him. He will be impressed because he knows how difficult it is to even take the stand.

Ask him more about the law. He’ll tell you about the duty to care for each other in relationships. He’ll tell you that in special relationships, it’s not just about what people do, but also about what people omit to do for each other. He’ll tell you that you can never exclude liability for personal hurts, no matter what kind of relationship you have.

It’s easy to date a guy who reads law. Give him simple things like new socks and new ties for his birthday, because he’ll never find the time to buy any for himself. Give him books. Give him time. Understand that he knows how to win an argument; but he may not know how to win anything else – a lottery, a vote or a heart.

But he will try to win anyway.

Lie to him. If he’s a lawyer at all, he’ll know that most things that people say are not the truth. And he’ll be able to discern what you really mean when you say “I’m sorry”. Then he will reply, “I love you too.” But make no mistake, a guy who reads law speaks the truth - not because he says what he believes, but because he believes what he says.

Fail him. Because the first lesson that a guy learns in law school is to laugh at failure. The second lesson he learns is to just keep going. So if you fail him, he’ll laugh at you (and perhaps himself), and then carry on.

If you find a guy who reads law, keep him close. Because if you don’t, he’ll lose himself in his work. He’ll need you to call him to come home for dinner. He’ll need you to love him, to remind him that he does not really love his work.

He will fight for you – not in the brutish ungentlemanly way – but in the way that matters. He will fight for your rights. In fact, he will fight so much – in the courtroom – that he won’t want to fight at home. He knows that the truth of who is to blame isn’t a hard-liner to be shoved in each other’s faces, but something softer and more malleable. He knows that the question isn’t so much of “who is right”, as it is of “who is left”.

Date a guy who reads law because you deserve him. If you can only give him one night, or worse still, a divorce, then you’re better off alone. Because he’ll sue you. If you want responsibility and commitment and duties and rights and security, and also, love, date a guy who reads law.

Or better yet, date a lawyer who reads.

Disclaimer 1: This is fiction. Lawyers may tell the truth, but writers are liars. 

Disclaimer 2: The writer disclaims a personal interest in the post. It was inspired by the quote here:http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/show/437516.  

Trust

Struck by C.S. Lewis' passage while reading A Grief Observed the other day.

You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn’t you then first discover how much you really trusted it?

Contentment

Because greed and covetousness know no end.

"If I keep myself from covetousness, content with the things I have, I remain within the frontiers of God. If I have the spirit of covetousness in my heart I have no right to say, "The Lord is my helper" - He is not, He is my destroyer. I have no right to say I am content and yet have a mood that is not contented." The Highest Good, Oswald Chambers 

I Desire Jesus

"I desire Jesus, Precious Lamb Who ransomed me
Unto You an offering Will my life forever be"

This song has been playing in my mind for the past 2 nights since I came down from Mount Kerinci. It is such a beautiful song and the last verse really sums up my gratitude.

A First Class Struggle

This was something written more than a month ago of which I published as a note in Facebook. With the impending release of result and the current pit and mess I feel I have found myself to be in, I just thought of putting it as a reminder to self. Hopefully it will be of some use to those who find themselves in like experience too.

Isa 64:8  But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.

When we picture a potter at work with the clay, we can easily draw the inference of how the clay has neither power nor say in how and what it will be formed into. The potter has the entire say in the matter and he simply does what he deems fit. Yet we attempt the exact opposite in this process of moulding; times when we think it is enough, we like certain features to remain and perhaps to be left alone if possible; a paradox of the clay attempting to assert power over the potter.

Coming back to school this year has been challenging. Not least because of the academic demands, the uncertainties involved with staying in a new environment, but more so because of the undercurrent of pressure and expectations I had for myself. I knew that what had happened after the end of the first academic year has no bearing this year and I was very keen not to allow that to exert any pressure this year. Despite knowing what I had achieved last year was purely a result of His grace, there was this strong desire lurking within me to pursue (and attain) academic excellence. Why? Partly because of certain career path that require a first class degree, and perhaps partly because of high expectations: 72 is an ‘okay’ grade –just saying.

However, what really caused shudders deep in my heart was the knowledge that the Potter is going to deal with me with my attitude towards what He has given me. I was thankful and grateful for what has been given; and I wasn’t sure if I wanted Him to take it away if He pleases. “Behold, he taketh away, who can hinder him? who will say unto him, What doest thou?” (Job 9) I know He does what He wants, but can I have a willing heart? There were tell-tale signs of this right from the start of the year – time and time again during my devotion I read about how God wants our life to be Christ fulfilling instead of self fulfilling; that we have to atrophy all else in our heart such that He alone reigns. Each time I read this I felt a chill down my spine – I didn’t know how to respond. All I could do was to ask Him to help me learn to respond in the way He wants; I couldn’t bring myself then to say, “yes, take the first class and best overall student if You will” although I knew that was what was required of me. Set against such a struggle was the irony that I was still getting 78s for my formative assessments and ending up with an overall first class by the first term of my second year. Not a very encouraging sign for asking the Potter to remove them I suppose.

Somehow, things changed along the way; surprises (well, mostly disappointments) and incidents starting shaping my perspective. God engineered circumstances to show me how weak and frail I am; how undeserving I am of His love and grace. These started changing my outlook and surprisingly I started coming to terms with being able to accept what He gives (and takes). I remember one afternoon as I was praying and God strongly impressed this verse upon me: “Remove far from me vanity and lies: give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me:  Lest I be full, and deny thee, and say, Who is the LORD? or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain.” (Prov 30:8-9) It was a frightening verse, but I knew it was something that I need to respond to (albeit with reluctance…hmmph): give me not academic excellence, but only what is needful for me.

The journey continues. Despite my response (or lack of) thus far, things took a further change a few weeks back during our home group weekly bible study. We were studying the story in Luke about the woman who broke an alabaster jar and wiped Jesus’ feet with the oil. You might have heard this story countless times – what is precious to you? It is a familiar story to me and whatever may be preached from it too. Yet when we were led us to sing the song ‘Alabaster Jar’, I was deeply struck by how much Jesus gave for me, and how little and worthless all my ‘first class’ ambitions and expectations were - even more, how perverse it was for me to hold on to them instead of breaking this ‘jar’. It was amazing how the Potter touched the depth of my heart and changed my outlook.

He has more waiting. Subsequently, I found out that my one and only internship application was rejected. It was an amusing experience as I read the generic rejection letter addressed to ‘Dear students’. I know it was not a wise decision to put all my eggs into one basket, but then again, at the risk of sounding arrogant, you don’t really expect to get rejected when you are applying for a government internship with such results. Surely, unless He makes the way, no amount of what I have is of any use. Last Thursday, we sang ‘I desire Jesus’ and this really tied in to Psalm 27 that has been on my mind “One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.” I want my heart to only desire Jesus, not more first class results or some best student award.

With 7 more days to exam, I am so thankful for this peace I have – not because I feel prepared (in fact, I have never felt so unprepared for any law exam), and that I don’t have to fret over the outcome, for He gives me what I need. Having said these, I still encounter the struggles of having to deal with thoughts of still wanting to get more 78s; they lurk around and often can be an entanglement - highly highly frustrating when you are very behind your revision schedule (like now). But, the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. Neither will you be in want. And I hope that when my results are out, I can say without any bitterness, “the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD”. With this, I end with this phrase by Jars of Clay “Offer your heart, I’ve given you mine”.

‘[Give] me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me’.

Post-Script

I really really don’t like talking about my results (also risks sounding like a show-off) but only did so to paint a more accurate picture and to juxtapose them against my struggles. Also, I didn’t write this because I want to share the journey and the struggles I am going through. Far from it – even reading Jurisprudence or Land law is much more appealing than writing such a note. But there has been a strong prompting for me to do so for the past week. It also wasn’t written because my results have plummeted terribly (they are still near okay, for now) or am I trying to pre-empt a disaster following the upcoming exam and the release of results (although highly possible unless a miracle happens) – so better save some face now. But whatever worth this piece of note may be of, I hope you may rest and let the Potter work too.

What suffice?

Another tall order written by Oswald Chambers - crux: is the life of Christ sufficient for us?

This is the unshakable secret of the Lord to those who trust Him – "I will give thee thy life." What more does a man want than his life? It is the essential thing. "Thy life for a prey" means that wherever you may go, even if it is into hell, you will come out with your life, nothing can harm it. So many of us are caught up in the shows of things, not in the way of property and possessions, but of blessings. All these have to go; but there is something grander that never can go – the life that is "hid with Christ in God."

 Are you prepared to let God take you into union with Himself, and pay no more attention to what you call the great things? Are you prepared to abandon entirely and let go? The test of abandonment is in refusing to say – "Well, what about this?" Beware of suppositions. Immediately you allow – What about this? – it means you have not abandoned, you do not really trust God. Immediately you do abandon, you think no more about what God is going to do. Abandon means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions. If you abandon entirely to God, He says at once, "Thy life will I give thee for a prey." The reason people are tired of life is because God has not given them anything, they have not got their life as a prey. The way to get out of that state is to abandon to God. When you do get through to abandonment to God, you will be the most surprised and delighted creature on earth; God has got you absolutely and has given you your life. If you are not there, it is either because of disobedience or a refusal to be simple enough.

Vita Detestabilis

Stay on the chosen path. 

Spring Snow

Spring in my memories was sunshine, blooming flowers and nice cooling breeze. But it snowed today - I was secretly glad that it did despite the accompanying cold. Somehow, I just love snow: I love its whiteness and its symbol of purity (Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow (Psalm 51)); I love how they slowly descend from the heavens, dancing about as the wind carries them. So carefree and beautiful; gentle yet terrifying...But what clear relief and enjoyment it was: walking through the snow while they swirled about me in the subzero wind, and watching them fall while I had my dinner of soup with toasted bread. Clearly, I have missed snow. 

Somewhat strangely, the snow followed a particular sequence where random occurrences triggered something buried within memories. Just earlier, I listened to a song that stopped me in my readings and forced me to search my memories to where I have heard the accompanying melody (a variation of Mozart it was, performed by Igudesman and Joo - something I watched 2-3 years back). Somehow, the snow brought to my mind a novel I read half a decade ago: Snow Falling on Cedars - a story of  growing up, love, pain, anger, hatred, letting go, forgiveness and moving on in life. Perhaps there was something that I found in parallel and hence its roots in my mind. "[Accident] ruled every corner of the universe except the chambers of the human heart". An accident it was then, snow in March - a paradox of untimely occurrence but sharp relief. 

"To deny that there was this dark side of life would be like pretending that the cold of winter was somehow only a temporary illusion, a way station on the way to the higher "reality" of long, warm, pleasant summers. But summer, it turned out, was no more real than the snow that melted in wintertime."

Snow falling on me. 

Out from the drudgeries

Huge waves that would frighten an ordinary swimmer produce a tremendous thrill for the surfer who has ridden them. Let’s apply that to our own circumstances. The things we try to avoid and fight against— tribulation, suffering, and persecution— are the very things that produce abundant joy in us. “We are more than conquerors through Him” “in all these things”; not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. A saint doesn’t know the joy of the Lord in spite of tribulation, but because of it. Paul said, “I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation” - Oswald Chambers

I love thrilling activities that create excitement and offer challenges to overcome: sky-diving is the next thing I am looking forward to doing. But having said that, Oswald Chambers idea of applying the concept of tremendous thrill to our own circumstances just seems too much. It is frightening at times to read what he writes - while often stirring in the spirit, they are 'drastic, decisive and destructive' to the natural life. One just has to read his books  "Christian Disciplines" and "Biblical Ethics" to realise how much despair it can cause to one who is set on self-realisation instead of Christ-realisation. It is not untrue to say that there are times when one catch sight of the feeling produced in the heart of the rich young ruler when Jesus told him to sell all his riches to the poor and follow Him. On other occasions, it perplexes and terrifies one to even consider what God might bring one through in the refining fire. But of course, once considered through faith and a renewed mind in Christ, it also brings about the realisation that the only way forward is to surrender and follow the Lamb wherever He leads. The path forward gets increasing narrow as any room left for jostling against God diminishes exponentially - circumstances do not permit it anyway. Inevitably one has to reach a point where one is able to align oneself with Paul's statement that "all things are loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus" or to become "very sorrowful" towards God's call. His grace is sufficient. 

"We are more than conquerors through Him"

Patience

"There are no dates
In His fine leisure."