we walk by faith and not by sight

I was moping the week before I started my 6 months of Practice Training Contract (PTC). I found myself constantly sitting at the corner of my room pretending that reality was otherwise. This was not something I would have done in the past - I had loathed escapism and self-delusion to comfort myself. But I was just not able to bring myself to face it.

I was reduced to such a state because of fear. It was only when I started penning down my thoughts that I realised its insidious and pervasive nature. Granted, it wasn't just fear but an immense dislike towards what I have to face again.

In fact, if anyone had asked me if I was looking forward towards starting my PTC, my answer would have been an emphatic no. I was dreading it and here's a sample of what I experienced during my first phase of training and what I was dreading:

• having to stay in the law firm till late night for internal meetings and discussions for ongoing matters;
• having to stay past midnight hammering out court documents because clients are extremely capable of giving/changing instructions at the eleventh hour; 
• having to return to the law office to work during weekends;
• lacking energy even when I am not in the office because of the constant lack of sleep;
• not being able to invest time and energy in what I deem as more important; 
• having little form of activity of life outside of work; and
• I shall stop before this turns into a list of complaints and murmurings. 

As I reflected on these, I came to a realisation that it was not so much the dread per se but my fear on how these have previously affected my life, and how they may potentially do so. I could not see how it would be different this time round. Yet, my perception was premised on a lack of faith: a disbelief that God is able to work in my life even in the mundane things. My disbelief had the following effect: 

• my belief that God is sovereign is inconsistent with my everyday life where I resigned myself to the mercy of the systems in place; 
• I effectively placed God in a box because I was living by what I saw and experienced; and 
• on hindsight, the cumulative effect was that I may have denied God power and control over the minutiae of everyday life at work. 

It was only last week when I was impressed upon my heart over my lack of faith that I then realised its impact that it has had. As with other things in my life, the Lord has keep calling me to step out in faith. However, it is often easier to sit in the boat of fear and sink with it amidst the fear than stepping out into the unknown. 

The Lord is merciful in spite of my lack of faith and He surprised me with the unfolding of events this week. A matter that I was working on was scheduled to have its second tranche of the trial this week. I had spent the weekend staying up late going through documents and preparing cross-examination questions for the trial. I also expected an arduous week ahead because of the further trial preparation that we had to take our witness through. Remarkably, the matter got adjourned for the first two days as the Judge directed us to file a document to the Prosecution and for them to consider our position. On the third day, the Prosecution applied for a discharge amounting to acquittal. Instead of having a nightmare of a week due to work, I even got to leave home by the end of office hours on that day. 

The sermons that were delivered this weekend was on the same theme: walk by faith and not by sight. Do I trust in the word of God or do I believe more in my own experience and my past? If it is the latter, then I will only continue to restrain the workings of God because I simply do not give Him the room to do so. 

Learning to baby steps of faith to move out of the realm of fear

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Saviour"