The sins of the fathers

To the child (one of the many):

I saw you a year ago. You were with your family, and you were a happy little toddler. I knew your name and even your birthday before I met you.  Unfortunately, I met you in a court room, and I was assisting a party in the case involving you. I was glad for you that you knew nothing of what transpired then.  I hope you still remain as happy as you were till this day.

Yours was a case that made me upset in many ways. It left me with many late nights in the law office drafting documents which I hope you will never ever read in your life. It even made me hate the practice of law when I became part of an arsenal of sharpened instruments to inflict as much discomfort to your parent. I cringed when I saw you  - the pangs of guilt, perhaps even shame running somewhere in me. That courtroom was not a place that you should have been there. 

I am working on your case  past midnight again. Tonight, just like many nights ago, is only the starting of the many to come - I hope I am proven wrong on this. Again, it is about you but you are not there. It is difficult to draft the court documents. The seemingly cold, objective legal terms have become a name for reifying the desires and interests of all the parties except yours. Your interest (being the paramount consideration) is tossed around in name by everyone, when in reality it is really for advancing their own interest. 

The biblical concept of the “sin of the fathers” is not unreal - because children will experience and eat of the fruits of the wrongdoings of a previous generation. And often, the toxins from the fruits of the poison tree will run to the next generation. 

I wondered what it will be like if I meet you years down the road. I prayed that in spite of all that has happened, that somehow, you will be preserved from the wickedness around; that justice will eventually prevail. And this is my hope: 

“that both of His hands are equally skilled, at ruining evil; equally skilled at judging the judges and administering justice; equally skilled at showing mercy and loving the loveless. Equally skilled, administering justice - both of His hands” - Jon Foreman

Future, hindsight and faith.

A passage penned many months back. It ended abruptly as my pen ran out of ink. I didn't continue writing. It was left in a notebook till I came across it again a few days ago.   

Hindsight is an enigma. So is the future. We know nothing of the future until its passing. In its passing, future brings about more uncertainties. Hindsight thus possess this similar characteristic as the future: one only possesses it after the passing of certain time and event. While bringing the possibility of clarity and realisation (whether illusory or real) of what has happened in the past - vis-a-vis the understanding that one's past has culminated in the present (and by extension, the future) - hindsight offers little insight - certainly nothing of the future. 

However, hindsight is, to some extent, related to our human desires for second chances in life; chances to start anew, to address past mistakes, to redeem our failures. Nonetheless, even in the search for second chances - there is no certainty that we can make good this time round. Paradoxically, whilst we look for that second chance in the form of a life changing opportunity / occurrence, each day presents a new chance for that change. Yet, in the midst of searching for that significant second chance, we lose sight of the significance of the opportunities that each day may present. 

Even with the benefit of hindsight to attempt on shedding light to the labyrinth of life, the mysteries in life continue enshrouding us. What? How? When? Where? Our human struggles over the concept of future - be it in thoughts or experience bring about a sharp contention with the concept of faith. I have encountered people who have quoted Karl Marx statement to me: religion is the opium for the masses i.e. a psychological crutch. Yet, I reckon that faith, instead of a crutch, is actually a mountain to scale. It is a much easier option to rely and resort to our human capacity of thoughts and senses (whatever available in this physical realm) as a solution to our struggles in the face of the enigmatic future and futile hindsight (where the symphony of failures and futility rehearse repeatedly). To trust that "He makes all things beautiful in His time" is of scant relief in the absence of faith.  

With the benefit of hindsight, here is something that has been on my mind again lately.

The bridges are torn down, and the followers simply move ahead. They are called away and are supposed to "step out" of their previous existence, they are supposed to "exist" in the strict sense of the word. The disciple is thrown out of the relative security of life into complete insecurity (which in truth is absolutely security and protection in community with Jesus): out of the foreseeable and calculable realm (which in truth is unreliable) into the completely unforeseeable, coincidental realm (which in truth is the only necessary and reliable one); out of the realm of limited possibilities *which in truth is that of unlimited possibilities) into the realm of unlimited possibilities (which in truth is the only liberating reality). Discipleship, Bonhoeffer. 

Divine Humility

Everyone has noticed how hard it is to turn our thoughts to God when everything is going well with us. We "have all we want" is a terrible saying when "all" does not include God. We find God an interruption. 

Now God, who has made us knows what we are and that our happiness lies in Him. Yet we will not seek it in Him as long as He leaves us any other resort where it can even plausibly be looked for. While what we call "our own life" remains agreeable we will not surrender it to Him. What then can God in our interests but make "our own life" less agreeable to us, and take away the plausible false sources of happiness? It is just here, where God's providence seems at first to be most cruel, that the Divine humility, the stooping own of the Highest, most deserves praise."

... 

I call this a Divine humility because it is a poor thing to strike our colours to God when the ship is going down under us; a poor thing to come to Him as a last resort, to offer up "our own" when it is no longer worth keeping. If God were proud He would hardly have us on such terms: but He is not proud, He stoops to conquer, He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him, and come to Him because there is "nothing better" now to be had. 

It is hardly complimentary to God that we should choose Him as an alternative to Hell: yet even this He accepts. The creature's illusion of self sufficiency must, for the creature's sake, be shattered; and by trouble or fear of trouble on earth, by crude fear of the eternal flames, God shatters it "unmindful of His glory's diminution". 

CS Lewis, The Problem of Pain

we walk by faith and not by sight

I was moping the week before I started my 6 months of Practice Training Contract (PTC). I found myself constantly sitting at the corner of my room pretending that reality was otherwise. This was not something I would have done in the past - I had loathed escapism and self-delusion to comfort myself. But I was just not able to bring myself to face it.

I was reduced to such a state because of fear. It was only when I started penning down my thoughts that I realised its insidious and pervasive nature. Granted, it wasn't just fear but an immense dislike towards what I have to face again.

In fact, if anyone had asked me if I was looking forward towards starting my PTC, my answer would have been an emphatic no. I was dreading it and here's a sample of what I experienced during my first phase of training and what I was dreading:

• having to stay in the law firm till late night for internal meetings and discussions for ongoing matters;
• having to stay past midnight hammering out court documents because clients are extremely capable of giving/changing instructions at the eleventh hour; 
• having to return to the law office to work during weekends;
• lacking energy even when I am not in the office because of the constant lack of sleep;
• not being able to invest time and energy in what I deem as more important; 
• having little form of activity of life outside of work; and
• I shall stop before this turns into a list of complaints and murmurings. 

As I reflected on these, I came to a realisation that it was not so much the dread per se but my fear on how these have previously affected my life, and how they may potentially do so. I could not see how it would be different this time round. Yet, my perception was premised on a lack of faith: a disbelief that God is able to work in my life even in the mundane things. My disbelief had the following effect: 

• my belief that God is sovereign is inconsistent with my everyday life where I resigned myself to the mercy of the systems in place; 
• I effectively placed God in a box because I was living by what I saw and experienced; and 
• on hindsight, the cumulative effect was that I may have denied God power and control over the minutiae of everyday life at work. 

It was only last week when I was impressed upon my heart over my lack of faith that I then realised its impact that it has had. As with other things in my life, the Lord has keep calling me to step out in faith. However, it is often easier to sit in the boat of fear and sink with it amidst the fear than stepping out into the unknown. 

The Lord is merciful in spite of my lack of faith and He surprised me with the unfolding of events this week. A matter that I was working on was scheduled to have its second tranche of the trial this week. I had spent the weekend staying up late going through documents and preparing cross-examination questions for the trial. I also expected an arduous week ahead because of the further trial preparation that we had to take our witness through. Remarkably, the matter got adjourned for the first two days as the Judge directed us to file a document to the Prosecution and for them to consider our position. On the third day, the Prosecution applied for a discharge amounting to acquittal. Instead of having a nightmare of a week due to work, I even got to leave home by the end of office hours on that day. 

The sermons that were delivered this weekend was on the same theme: walk by faith and not by sight. Do I trust in the word of God or do I believe more in my own experience and my past? If it is the latter, then I will only continue to restrain the workings of God because I simply do not give Him the room to do so. 

Learning to baby steps of faith to move out of the realm of fear

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Saviour"

Justice - at what price?

There were tears of joy as the news of the acquittal sunk in. I stood afar as I watched the client teared, the family members rejoicing and expressing their gratitude towards their Defence Counsel (my supervising solicitor). While he had previously carried an air of indignance, fear, and worry, these are now replaced with relief.  

Since the onset of the investigation, the criminal proceedings had hung over him for more 2 years. He had maintained his innocence since the first time he stepped into the law firm. He never wavered when the Prosecution amended to a lesser charge or the amount involved (something critical in a property offence). This was so even when going for trial to prove his innocence would be far costlier. On the other hand, if he elected to plead guilty, a fine might have been imposed.

When I was in the UK, one thing I learnt about miscarriage of justice is how people can plead guilty to crimes they did not commit as the short-term benefits outweigh the long term ones. In this case, the imposition of a fine would be a far cheaper alternative (in terms of economics). However, the client was insistent that he would never plead guilty to something he did not do. As a matter of principle, it cannot be done. He is right.

I applaud the client for his courage to fight for his innocence; the team was glad that he was acquitted. However, I could not shake off the lingering questions on the amount of legal costs spent on proving his innocence. What if the same amount was spent on a less-able Defence Counsel who botched up the job? What if the client was someone else with lesser financial abilities, would the same person have pleaded guilty just to reduce the financial burden? Justice has been administered – but at what cost?

As much as my questions are hypothetical, they are real factors of considerations by people facing legal problems. Just a day before the above incident, I sat through a meeting where a person who wanted to fight against a potential action simply had no financial ability to do so; the financial limits effectively ousted the weightier matter of rectitude and justice.

Are we placing a price-tag on justice?

Giant Slayer

The conduct of this lawyer for this environmental suit is remarkable. Definitely worth a read as it is a John Grisham's novel-type lawyer in real life. 

 The lawyer who became DuPont's worst nightmare 

Song in the Night

"I call to remembrance my song in the night...
Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will He be favourable no more?
Is His mercy clean gone for ever? does His promise fail forevermore?
Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has He in anger shut up His tender mercies? Selah
And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High"

Quiet Roars from Within

"Dr Tan Lai Yong" is a name I have heard many a times during my conversations with my friends regarding serving in the community. However, apart from knowing his contribution towards improving the health care of a rural village in China, and that he was a student in Temasek Junior College (the topic causing my friend to bring up his name), I knew little else about him. The opportunity in finding out more about him came when my course manager from Temasek Polytechnic posted a link about Dr. Tan giving a talk in the school. The brief introduction about Dr. Tan intrigued me and I spent some time thereafter finding out as much as I could from Google about him. The information I unearthed left a deep impression; I found him to be a really inspiring character, yet I could not but help feel a certain sense of dreadfulness in response to a situation I have found myself in. Dread not in the sense of any negative connotation, but of being in awe, and perhaps a sense of reverential fear. 

In this article, the writer recorded how Dr. Tan told the solemniser to recite these verses from Proverbs as his wedding prayer:"Two things have I asked of You [O Lord]; deny them not to me before I die: Remove far from me falsehood and lies; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, Lest I be full and deny You and say, Who is the Lord? Or lest I be poor and steal, and so profane the name of my God." This was not something that I had expected to hear as a wedding prayer. To quote the article: "In Dr Tan's words, it was the “craziest thing” he has ever done. It set the tone for life thereafter, and liberated him to “step out of the box”, again and again." His wedding prayer did not go unanswered: "At 53, the Singaporean doctor has no home to his name. No car. One pair of jeans he lives in. And lots of hand-me-down checked shirts. Lunch is often a loaf of plain bread, wolfed down on the run." I found this, along with his contributions in China then and in Singapore now to be really inspiring and respectable. However, what really shook me was the fact that I was prompted to say this prayer as well when I struggled with letting go of my own desires for academic excellence (recounted here). The verse also liberated me, spurring and challenging me to trust that what the Lord provides is sufficient. With the buzz of events that happened lately, it appears that my prayer was something that the Lord wanted me to learn beyond my struggle towards academic excellence. This was not something I had expected and what I found out about Dr Tan set the tone for how I should respond to the situation I have found myself in. 

Unlike most of my peers, I came back to Singapore in the summer of 2013 without any legal internship position arranged during my summer break. Since I had a fair amount of free time available, I decided that I should do something productive by looking for law firms that were offering positions for legal training and training contract (all these to fulfil my requirements to become a qualified lawyer). Thankfully I managed to secure a position at a particular law firm (let's call it Firm A) - having gone for the interview and feeling positive about what they told me about certain features of the firm, I accepted their offer for the trainee position. Although I was thankful that I need not be concerned with finding a place for training during my final year, I couldn't help but wonder why the Lord has arranged for this particular place for me to train at whilst at the same time blessing me with grades that allowed me to apply to places that may appear to offer a more prestigious and high flying career. It felt paradoxical that the Lord was, on one hand, dealing with my then-hidden ambitions for academic excellence vis-a-vis career path, and on the other, blessing me with more than what I need. Anyhow, I recall talking to a friend back then that the receiving of the result could be a test too - will I take what He has given me (which belongs to Him) and turn it into mine to further my plans? I knew well then that it was an act of God for me to receive the grades I did in my second year; if so, am I to frustrate His grace? Despite the acceptance of my training position in Firm A, I still harboured a plan at the back of my mind to attempt another career path (let's call it X) if I manage to graduate with the required result.

Shortly before the release of my examination results and degree classification, I used the lyrics from "Be Thou my Vision" as my prayer: "Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, still be my vision, O ruler of all". It would have been a lie to say that I was not feeling nervy at all whilst waiting for the results to be released. But despite my apprehension of the outcome, I didn't want my desires to cause me to lose sight of having to set my focus upon Him and trusting in His provision. Strangely enough, as I was praying for this matter a few days before, I felt a prompting signifying the sort of result I would receive, but I was not to use it for applying for X. In the words of someone, it was odd that I will receive such a direction - not to even apply for it. Eventually, what the prompting signified came to pass, and I decided to obey it and not make an application for X.

Although my decision then seemed strange then, I subsequently realised why the Lord had directed me in such a manner. Back then, Firm A had not finalised my training allowance and I had yet to find out from other trainees how it is like. When I eventually found out about my allowance and other matters, it was significantly below what I had expected. That, along with other factors, would have caused me to choose X above Firm A should I get an offer (though unlikely) - and it would have been much harder for me say "no" to an offer for X. It was through this that I realised my previous stance on how I wasn't going into the legal industry for its money or material benefits was shakier than I'd imagined. It caused me to re-assess why I studied law in the first place: "Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy: rid them out of the hand of the wicked.". If this was truly my motto, then why the comparison with my peers who are getting training allowance that's twice of mine, along with a whole load of other benefits? It was at this period when I stumbled across the article on Dr. Tan, along with the verses: "give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, Lest I be full and deny You and say, Who is the Lord? Or lest I be poor and steal, and so profane the name of my God."

To say that there was no struggle against the fulfilment of my own prayer 1 year ago would have been deceiving myself. When I said that prayer back then, I didn't expect it to go beyond the realm of my academic pursuit. It was as though a spectre of my past was back to haunt - but why should I see it as something haunting me? Is this not a blessing and provision from my Provider - my all in all as I have claimed? Why then the revolt against it?  With the benefit of hindsight, it was as though I was living in the realm described aptly by C.S. Lewis:

As a young man wants a regular allowance from his father which he can count on as his own, within which he makes his own plans (and rightly, for his father is after all a fellow creature) so they desired to be on their own, to take care for their own future, to plan for pleasure and for security, to have a meum from which, no doubt, they would pay some reasonable tribute to God in the way of time, attention, and love, but which nevertheless, was theirs not His. They wanted, as we say, to "call their souls their own". But that means to live a lie, for our souls are not, in fact, our own. They wanted some corner in the universe of which they could say to God, "This is our business, not yours.” 

My reaction (with dread) veered towards the exact perilous attitude that I had sought to avoid:  to take what He has blessed me with and call it mine. I was faced with the options before me: to obey, or to take flight. Perhaps one may be inclined to feel that God appears to be uncharitable, or worse still, playing what is seemingly a mean joke on me by frustrating the very capacity He has produced with giving me a first class degree - "the monkey trick of a spite imbecile". But probe deeper, and one realises it is a marvellous lesson planned. As Paul said, "for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me." I have been learning to be content when I am in abundance (or at least I will like to think so), but can I learn to be content when I am not enjoying what society may deem as material abundance, where my monthly training allowance is probably less than that of working at a fast food restaurant and my working hours far exceeding that? I cannot say I know how to be content in whatever situation He has placed me in if I have only known abundance. Thus for now, the challenge is to learn to stay put where He has directed till the appointed season. I said earlier that I felt a reverential sense of fear. How could I not when I am stepping into the unknown of endless insecurity (in human terms) again; yet knowing simultaneously that it is in the surrendering and stepping out that I am secured by His love and grace.

It was not too long ago when I told someone that as I sang the song "Oceans", I felt that the Lord has led me to the point where my life felt like it was in an unknown state, where I cannot feel my feet anymore: adrift amidst the currents. But I made it through that point of time in life - somehow. Perhaps I will be facing the same again, where the waters will be even deeper. But as crazy as it may be, I choose this again - "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders".

"Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, still be my vision, O ruler of all". 

The Usage of the Decalogue by Paul the Apostle in His Epistles

Posting my essay for my final year research project on my blog was not something that I had minded to do. However, after encouragements from my professor to submit my essay for publication in my school’s law journal, I have decided to do so through the medium of my blog instead, probably much to the disappointment of my professor. There are a few reasons for doing so: apart from me being lazy to work on my essay again in the midst of my Bar course, one reason being the perceived ‘liberty’ for me to express myself without further recourse to academic language in having to amend what I had sought to express (whether rightly or not). At heart of my essay is something intrinsically related to my understanding of the Christian faith: the power of the Holy Spirit to enable us to live a Christ-like life. The approach of the essay probably stemmed from this passage in Romans 8:1-4: "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh: That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Having had to express what is so deeply devotional and personal to me in academic language during my time of writing was exceptionally challenging – in some sense an unnecessary baggage to me. By no means am I trying to diminish the value and vast effort of academics and theologians in their research of Biblical law, and in this context, on Paul’s epistles; on the contrary, I have been greatly enlightened and enriched by their writings, and I stand indebted to their works. However, if what I am writing is fundamentally devotionally-related, whereby my chief purpose concerns the working of the Holy Spirit in our lives to enable us to walk in the dictates and nature of God’s laws in our everyday life, then it is my view that any further addition or amendments to it should shy away from an academic orientation. Besides, publishing something on the blog probably makes it more accessible to the world at large than a law journal.

My initial motivation for writing on Paul’s use of the Decalogue stems from the influence of his epistles (or what are classified as his epistles in the Bible) in my life. As a teenager stepping out of a childhood straddled with suicidal tendencies and struggling with esteem and self-pity issues at that time (all these while as a Christian), it was through Paul’s epistles that God reached out to me, opening my eyes to see a purpose in my life. Thus, Paul’s writings have a huge influence in shaping my perspectives towards my Christian faith and life as a whole. Given the aforesaid, I seized the opportunity to write about Paul’s usage of the Decalogue in his epistles. Apart from my affinity for Paul’s writings, I also chose the question for the following reason. The Ten Commandments were something given to the Israelites (notwithstanding its seemingly universal application) and thus occupy a unique position in the Israelite’s culture and tradition, particularly as God’s chosen people; this, however, did not prevent Paul from using the Ten Commandments in his epistles written to the Gentiles (both explicitly and implicitly). This is intriguing because Paul has called himself a “Hebrew of Hebrews; as touching the law, a Pharisee; touching the righteousness which is in the law, blameless”.  Given his background from the “straitest sect” of the Pharisee, and upbringing in the law at the feet of Gamaliel, I wanted to explore and write about his use of the Ten Commandments to the Gentile audience despite his identification with the Jewish culture and heritage.

Abstract of the essay: This essay seeks to examine Paul’s usage of the Decalogue in his epistles. It does so by starting with the explicit references to the Decalogue in Romans, and subsequently working towards implicit references in passages bearing resemblance in Galatians and 1 & 2 Corinthians. Paul’s usage and understanding of the Decalogue reflect both the influence of Hellenistic-Judaism and his interpretation of the history of Israel. Furthermore, its usage is also located within Paul’s thoughts on the relationships between the Law and the Spirit, the flesh and the Spirit; and the fulfilment of the Law. Using the Decalogue, Paul paints the plight of the inability to fulfil the Law due to the weakness of the flesh, and offers the solution of fulfilling the righteousness of the Law through the Spirit in Christ.

If I have failed to put you off reading it with the mass of words above, I hope you will find the essay of some use. The essay can be accessed via this link: “The Usage of the Decalogue by Paul the Apostle in His Epistles”. However, you ought to bear in mind the following criticism by my examiners: “the project loses its way a little and its second half does not quite draw full conclusions on the differences between different passages and contexts.”

Light itself was your first love

During the winter of 2011, I told I friend that I liked the cold. Having studied at Scotland previously and working at Northern Ireland then, she said I was crazy. She's right. During the most recent winter, I couldn't wait for Spring to come. As much as snow is beautiful, I was hoping that it wouldn't snow at all. I just wanted winter to pass by as soon as possible. I had enough of having to stay under my duvet because my room is too cold for comfort, or to attempt writing my coursework whilst dressed in 4-5 layers, along with gloves and hat in my room. So much for liking the cold. The closure of the school libraries, signalling the end of my source of reliable heating and wifi, had the following effect (taken from #SeniorThesisProblems): 

As of now, I find myself sitting comfortably in a temperature I had previously sought to escape from. Although the humidity and heat in Singapore is not the most comfortable, I would rather live in it it than the cold damp subzero weather of UK during winter. It did cross my mind a few times: how did I ever like the cold? I suppose it was the sense of excitement, curiosity and amazement to a new environment back then. What more, I couldn't wait to get away from Singapore back then - even contemplated on not coming back during the summer of 2012. There was a keen sense of exploration within me back then and I enjoyed, even feasted on, what the new environment in the UK offered. Many new experiences, even if simple, was fascinating: the sky turning dark at 4pm during winter, the birth of life in Spring, the blossoms, the bluebells etc. I recall sitting by the window in my hall for an hour, waiting for the moon to rise above the nearby hill so that I can capture it as it rose near Cabot tower. Taking walks and photographs of my surroundings were frequent occurrences. 

However, with the passage of time,  I gradually settled into my new environment and started losing that sense of curiosity. Even before breathtaking landscape, I seemed to have lost that sense of wonder and amazement. I felt that this was quite telling from the photos that I took - they lacked a feel to it. Almost bland and shallow - soul-ess photos. Due to various reasons, my Fuji S5 Pro left my hands soon after the start of my third year. I was without a camera for half a year. It was a good thing I suppose - I started learning to appreciate things (in general), to feel the essence of certain things; blue skies and sunsets started becoming more than photography opportunities once more (of which I have somewhat lost my connection with it as well). 

Like how I pondered and mused about why I should be writing, it was extended to the taking of photos as well despite my getting of a new camera a few months back. A few nights ago, I wandered out to a seaside near my place. It has been my place of escape ever since I came back and I wanted to try taking some photos of the night scene. There was no explanation for the feeling of wanting to take the photos; it was just that sort of feeling that compels you to do something: like how I will try to play Bach's violin sonatas and partitas at times though I never fail to butcher. Anyhow, the photos turned out to be a surprise and I was somewhat inspired to take photos once more (strange as it sounds). I thought the photo (un-brilliant as it might be) captured the confluence of the various, if not slightly contradicting feelings contained within me.

 

Perhaps, this may be a small stepping stone towards acquiring a curious and creative mind once more. As what C.S. Lewis' wrote in The Great Divorce:

"No. You're forgetting," said the Spirit. "That was not how you began. Light itself was your first love: you loved paint only as a means of telling about light."

Antique Fool

I had to suppress the mischievous urge to ask how much can I fetch.  

Paradoxical Searching

It was not my initial intention at all to stop writing in this space for the past nine months. On the contrary, there were numerous occasions where I have decided to write a post about something but failed to do so for various reasons. Some of these attempted posts included my thoughts and reflections following my visit to the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp in Krakow, Poland (photos here); also my academic and theological struggles as I set about writing my essay for my final year research project on Biblical law - The Usage of the Decalogue in the Pauline Epistles. One reason for the hiatus is attributable to my lack of energy and motivation (increasing exponentially as school term progressed) to write outside the requirements of my school curriculum. My selection of subjects at school required me to constantly switch my mode of thinking across philosophy, sociology, theology, law and at times, anthropology. It was tiring to say the least. Once, having done my reading on insolvency law and moving on to my readings for Paul's writing on the Torah, I was left wondering in one cold winter night how insolvency law was ever linked to salvation. Writing different essays within the same time period on the said areas seemed to have had an effect of having multiple strands of Hegalian dialectic clashing within my mind all at once. All these extraction of abstraction led only to confusion and silent hopes for salvation. Drained of energy, blogging naturally fell out of my life during the said season. 

Although the above limits of energy and motivation contributed greatly to the hiatus, there has been another question which I was and still am not able to fully answer. This question has, it appears, to have been rather successful in putting me off from blogging for the past nine months. It is quite a simple question actually - put simply, why should I be writing and sharing my thoughts? I am not a good writer - my writings are neither inspiring nor elucidating. What is the worth of my writings then? Bearing in mind that I have had the tendency to publish posts either on general experiences of life or reproduction of passages by certain writers, my posts naturally have questionable worth of existence. In the former case, since general experiences of life usually take place in one form or another, then the sharing of them become rather redundant. In the latter case, what value does mere reproduction of writings and thoughts hold? After all, it is much better if one reads the actual writings and form one's interpretation of it instead of reading what's mine.

Yet, I am writing in this space after all. I kept asking myself why. I know not; at least, not knowing entirely. Perhaps, there is something that is intricate within the process of writing itself. The choice of words, framing of words, the thought process involved... maybe all these have an allure of their own. Little wonder why we appreciate poetry and well written essays and novels then... just as how we all have our preferences of writers and style of writing. Perhaps, there may be something about blogging that has gotten to me - a space for penning certain thoughts, a habit that has stuck with me for close to a decade. Paradoxically, I returned to this space to think through and write about why I should (or not) continue writing here. Parallel to this line of thought on writing has been that of photography - but photography is not about searching for that special photo. Photography's allure is more than just the output - the output is a reflection of the vision and creativity of the photographer, along with the necessary technical abilities to create the desired image. It may be that the same may be said of writing: it's not really about what is written but what has been put in to effect it. But surely, this is something that I am not incognisant to - why then do I ask?

For all this deliberation, there may be, like most of my other questions, no answer at all - lacking explanatory power, all I can liken at best to is the analogy that I may have been trying in vain to freeze and isolate a part of the "flowing" stream of life and consciousness. A pause?

Trailing off.

240° South- Unst to Lerwick

Ruins as they were - Haroldswick

Inspired by the video 60° North, my fellow traveller (whom I will call S.) and I decided to travel to Shetland for our post-exam trip. However, unlike those people featured in the video, both of us were not in the shape to do anything at that level. Our 'bookworm-ish' lifestyle (at least for me) before the exams certainly did not bid well for the preparation of a forecasted 200 miles of cycling over the span of a few days. While we were initially joined by Y. and Z. for the trip, things happened along the way and only S. and myself could make it for the trip. Furthermore, instead of cycling a return journey from Sumburgh to Unst, we decided to only cycle from Unst to Lerwick, a much shorter journey from the initial plan. Given our exam schedule and the limitations of flights and ferry, we only had 2 days to cycle our planned journey - by basing my calculation on S. and my timing on the Bristol-Bath Railway cycling path, I'd thought that we had an abundance of time to complete the journey.

My previous account of my experience at Hermaness National Park set the mood for the remainder of my journey from Unst to Lerwick, and also the boat trip to Bressay/Noss. In short, hardly anything went according to what we had planned or expected.  There was nothing of the summer weather which I expected as it was just rain, windy and cold for almost everyday. According to the weather forecast, the highest wind-speed we encountered was 37 miles per hour and I still remember the wind blowing me and my bicycle off the side of the road while I attempted cycling in a straight line; together with the various long stretches of uphill ride, they made this cycling experience the toughest I ever experienced in my life. Even going downhill required much effort due to the headwind. Apart from "charactering building experience",  S. constantly quoted from 《三国演义》 where 孔明 said “谋事在人，成事在天。不可强也!" Ironically, the only days of sunshine throughout our trip was on the last day of cycling, and on the day we got back to Aberdeen. Indeed, the plans devised by man are prone to be thwarted by various circumstances - one can view as how it is a consistent and constant theme that only the counsel of the Lord endures.

Sunset at Lerwick on the only day of sunshine in Shetland

Despite how our plans were constantly altered throughout the trip, God's provision and seamless arrangement of events made things fall into place beautifully. Once, instead of sticking to our original plan to cycle to a particular location in an attempt to catch sight of otters, S. and I decided to abandon the plan and catch an earlier ferry crossing. Till now, I am not sure why we did so because we were rather keen on sighting the otters. However, the earlier ferry crossing enabled us to catch our bus to Lerwick (which was supposed to come later as per the schedule) so that we were able to get to our next destination on time. Apart from how our unplanned stuff fall into place, it was also a humbling experience to feel the power (and terror) of nature - apart from the wind and rain, the waves from the North Sea at Noss rocked me in the boat in an unprecedented fashion (I have experienced storms at sea before). Furthermore, seeing the handicraft of God vis the various wonders of nature unfolding before my eyes - be it the sight of countless gannets in the sky and along the cliffs, the seals littered along the shores or the dolphins playing in the sea - left me very much in awe. As I had just completed my examinations then and felt a strong sense of uncertainty towards my performance, and by implication, my results, I felt very much comforted by the experiences as I saw God's hand and provisions working profoundly even in the realm of nature.

Unshaken

Although I didn't get to stay for a longer time in Shetland, I was left with a deep impression of the place because of its character. Like Iceland, it gave me sense of 'wild-ness' that resonated with the adventurous side of me. Also, the trout-filled lochs call for a return next summer for some fly-fishing action. Because S. and I did not manage to complete the cycling journey as we had envisaged, we agreed to return to Shetland in 10 years time to complete it. Till then.

"And I'll fly with you through the night so you know I'm not letting go"

The Other Mirror

"I will govern my life and thoughts as if the whole world were to see the one and read the other, for what does it signify to make anything a secret to my neighbor, when to God, who is the searcher of our hearts, all our privacies are open?" Lucius Annaeus Seneca

The Unseen

"We are only what we are in the dark; all the rest is reputation. What God looks at is what we are in the dark—the imaginations of our minds; the thoughts of our heart; the habits of our bodies; these are the things that mark us in God’s sight." The Love of God - The Ministry of the Unnoticed  

"The higher the emotion, the purer the desire, the viler is the revenge in the moral character unless the emotion is worked out on its right level...Paul mention gross immorality in close connection with sanctification because every devotional emotion not worked on its own level will react on an immoral level secretly". The Moral Foundations of Life

240° South- Unst to Lerwick - A Prelude

Another gust of wind, and another wave of stinging sensation as the raindrops pelted against my face. There seemed to be no end to the onslaught from the downpour accompanied by howling winds capable of knocking me off balance. All I could hear was the pitter-patter of raindrops descending on my helmet - every drop wearing down my morale and appreciation of whatever wonderful natural landscape I was in. My waterproof (so I thought) windbreaker had failed me and I was thoroughly wet. The merciless cold was a perfect icing to the cake of misery - my limbs numbed and nearly cramping, celebrated by the acting up of a muscle injury at my thigh. The ride from Saxa Vord, of which I had expected to be an easy one felt otherwise due to the strong headwind and stretches of uphill ride. The walk at Hermaness National Nature Reserve was no better. Limping along, the sight of Great Skuas taking off and circling about in the air merely served to introduce the depressing thoughts of being dive-bombed by them. My fingers were so numb from the cold that I did not even want to take out my camera to capture the Puffins sighted along the cliff. Any hope of seeing Muckle Flugga lighthouse diminished with every step as low clouds enshrouded upon us. True to my silent prediction, the poor visibility forced my fellow traveller and I to turn back. Sounding the retreat bell, we aborted our mission of seeing the lighthouse and concluded our first day of 'adventure' for our much anticipated post-exam summer break in Shetland, where we'd envisaged cycling in sunshine and relatively comfortable temperature. For now, the hope and enthusiasm in my heart for the remaining days of cycling and journeying were as dull as the grey skies and as cold as the weather. 

To be continued... 

End of Life - to treat or not to treat?

Having done a module on medical law in my last academic year which involved a fair amount dealing with end of life decision-making, I found the article in the below link to be rather interesting, and definitely thought-provoking on issues pertaining to quality/quantity vis sanctity of life.

http://thehealthcareblog.com/blog/2012/08/06/how-doctors-die/

Just for laughs

Purely just for a good laugh (perhaps at how miserable law students/lawyers can become); please don't believe or (worse still) follow what is quoted here - although certain parts may contain some elements of truth. 

Written by Melvyn in http://melvynfoo.wordpress.com/2012/03/13/17-date-a-guy-who-reads-law/

Date a guy who reads law. Date a guy whose money you can spend because he has no time to spend it for himself. He has no problems with closet space because his books are too many and too heavy to buy. So he simply goes to the library instead. (Or asks his brother to borrow them from the library for him.)

 Find a guy who reads law. You’ll know that he does from the way he talks. He’ll use words that you have never heard before like ‘estoppel’ and ‘privity’, or spout random latin phrases like ‘noscitur a sociis’ and ‘ratio decidendi’. He’s the one that can write in impossibly long convoluted sentences such that no one else but a lawyer can understand him, because that’s the way that he learned to understand his readings, which are also written in that same impossibly long convoluted way, like the way most statutes are written – not that he gives a damn about the way statutes are written. Or he can write in plain English. You see the guy who is too rational to be a jock, but too exciting to be a nerd? That’s the lawyer. They can never resist rationalizing their excitement, nor can they resist exciting their rationality.

He’s the one that you don’t really see in a suit because he wears it too often to bother to wear it just to impress you. If you talk to him about love, he’ll tell you that love is both a defense to the crime and an element of the crime itself. Challenge him. He will be impressed because he knows how difficult it is to even take the stand.

Ask him more about the law. He’ll tell you about the duty to care for each other in relationships. He’ll tell you that in special relationships, it’s not just about what people do, but also about what people omit to do for each other. He’ll tell you that you can never exclude liability for personal hurts, no matter what kind of relationship you have.

It’s easy to date a guy who reads law. Give him simple things like new socks and new ties for his birthday, because he’ll never find the time to buy any for himself. Give him books. Give him time. Understand that he knows how to win an argument; but he may not know how to win anything else – a lottery, a vote or a heart.

But he will try to win anyway.

Lie to him. If he’s a lawyer at all, he’ll know that most things that people say are not the truth. And he’ll be able to discern what you really mean when you say “I’m sorry”. Then he will reply, “I love you too.” But make no mistake, a guy who reads law speaks the truth - not because he says what he believes, but because he believes what he says.

Fail him. Because the first lesson that a guy learns in law school is to laugh at failure. The second lesson he learns is to just keep going. So if you fail him, he’ll laugh at you (and perhaps himself), and then carry on.

If you find a guy who reads law, keep him close. Because if you don’t, he’ll lose himself in his work. He’ll need you to call him to come home for dinner. He’ll need you to love him, to remind him that he does not really love his work.

He will fight for you – not in the brutish ungentlemanly way – but in the way that matters. He will fight for your rights. In fact, he will fight so much – in the courtroom – that he won’t want to fight at home. He knows that the truth of who is to blame isn’t a hard-liner to be shoved in each other’s faces, but something softer and more malleable. He knows that the question isn’t so much of “who is right”, as it is of “who is left”.

Date a guy who reads law because you deserve him. If you can only give him one night, or worse still, a divorce, then you’re better off alone. Because he’ll sue you. If you want responsibility and commitment and duties and rights and security, and also, love, date a guy who reads law.

Or better yet, date a lawyer who reads.

Disclaimer 1: This is fiction. Lawyers may tell the truth, but writers are liars. 

Disclaimer 2: The writer disclaims a personal interest in the post. It was inspired by the quote here:http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/show/437516.  

Trust

Struck by C.S. Lewis' passage while reading A Grief Observed the other day.

You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn’t you then first discover how much you really trusted it?

Contentment

Because greed and covetousness know no end.

"If I keep myself from covetousness, content with the things I have, I remain within the frontiers of God. If I have the spirit of covetousness in my heart I have no right to say, "The Lord is my helper" - He is not, He is my destroyer. I have no right to say I am content and yet have a mood that is not contented." The Highest Good, Oswald Chambers