All things new

The Lord bringeth life out of death,

and fruitfulness from barrenness.

He appoints unto them that mourn in Zion,

to give unto them beauty for ashes,

the oil of joy for mourning,

the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;

that they might be called trees of righteousness,

the planting of the LORD,

that he might be glorified.

Of Trust and Man

"Our Lord trusted no man; yet He was never suspicious, never bitter, never in despair about any man, because He put God first in trust; He trusted absolutely in what God’s grace could do for any man. If I put my trust in human beings first, I will end in despairing of everyone; I will become bitter, because I have insisted on man being what no man ever can be – absolutely right. Never trust anything but the grace of God in yourself or in anyone else." Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

Journeying

Gazing out from the train, I really enjoyed passing by the English countryside and seeing the herds of sheep, cows and horses. Edward Elgar's and Vaughan Williams' compositions from my mp3 player have never felt so fitting and compelling before. The Summer Sun lingers around and causes the land to bask in its golden light. Long train rides aren't that bad after-all. 

Reflection and Thanksgiving

A rather messy collection of thoughts and reflection of my journey during the final phase of my academic year - essentially an uninteresting mass of words but I just wanted to pen them down.

During a contact time with my personal tutor at the start of the year, he told me that I should feel very proud of myself with my mid-sessional grades. I told him I wasn't and explained; in the end, he told me I was just beating myself up. Or was I? Perhaps I was very influenced by the high expectations I have set for myself, in considering that doing well means getting a first class grade; short of that, it is just average or less. On hindsight, there were many factors that contributed to such a thinking: the amount of money my parents have put in for my education, the minimum of getting at least a second upper for grade for employability, the requirement of first class qualification for certain job qualifications, the expectations I have towards myself since I have already done a diploma in law etc. While not being stressed or worried about my future, I suppose these were major considerations that affected my actions. There was no chase for that first class grade (at least not expressed), neither did I consider myself being any better than my peers - they are all very brilliant indeed, much more than I, but there was that expectation I have towards myself to perform well. Admittedly, having been used to working towards perfect gpa scores previously played a part - but I was tired of it; and even that did not get me into law school in Singapore.


It is funny how I see grades as being somewhat artificial and non-representative but I still have that expectation of myself to do well. It wasn't a major issue but it somehow bugged me; although I wasn't setting goals for myself to work towards, I was still hoping for good results. Through this I was caught betwix and it was difficult balancing working hard without being sucked into the vicious cycle of paper chasing. But taking me by unaware, this expectation was lodged somewhere in the hidden stream of consciousness. The end result was probably a great deal of contradiction within me. Because I didnt set any goal for myself, I wasnt as motivated; but I didnt want to be unmotivated either because I still wanted to perform well. Unsurprisingly, it started taking a toll on me.


While revising one afternoon during my Easter break, there was this sense of 'annoyance' and frustration as the tension within me surfaced once more; it was something that I had to resolve and what is better than to commit and let go of the matter to the Lord once again? I was really thankful that there was a breakthrough this time round. It was impressed upon my heart not to strive for the grades but to enjoy the learning process. One factor that has spurred me to want to do well is to be better equipped such that I can avail myself wherever God wants me to go to in the future. I was thankful for the prompting from the Lord not to be concerned about it. The adaptation of 'Amazing Grace' by Chris Tomlin rang within my mind and the part of the song 'my chains are gone, I have been set free' really spoke to me - it was like the chains of having to score first class grade being gone. As though it wasn't enough, the same song was sung in Church on Sunday. 


However, having that realisation and translating it into reality was no easy feat. It was not easy to enjoy the learning process when I had so much stuff to remember that it was almost depressing thinking about it.  Furthermore, it was still very easy going through the motion of revision without setting the focus right. I thank God for people He has placed along my journey that encouraged and inspired me to keep that joy and be thankful for the process that I was going through. I remember one prayer meeting where someone prayed the words of Romans 12:2 'Be ye not conformed to the world' - it resonated in the depth of my heart - 'deep calleth unto deep'; those were powerful words that reminded me of my calling and the word that the Lord had spoken to me. Nonetheless, it was an ongoing daily struggle where I had to wrestle with myself even till the last paper - possibly even after that. It wasn't just about the studying, but about getting the focus right while doing so. 


My papers didn't go as I expected - I forgot stuff for questions that I spotted and came out; attempted harder questions when I knew the answer for easier ones - till date I have no idea why I did that; possibly I was just being stubborn and bent on attempting topics that I was interested in. Nonetheless, I am so grateful for the release wrought by the work of the Holy Spirit, that I didn't have to work towards getting high scores but to just enjoy the learning process, of which I am glad that I managed to, even if not all of it. 


I am still coming to terms with how my first academic year has ended. It felt as though so much/but not much has happened. Perhaps time has passed by too quickly; can't imagine how my 2nd and 3rd year will go... Looking back, I am thankful for the work and presence of the Lord for the past academic year . There were happenings that could have really thrown me off-course but He does not put us into something more than we can bear. I thought I should come up with a list (non-exhaustive) of things to be thankful for:

Thank you Lord for Your presence and sustenance; 

Thank you Lord for this new journey where You are leading me by each step;

Thank you Lord for the friends and people that I have met here;

Thank you Lord for the opportunity of education;

Thank you Lord for Your providence; 

Thank you Lord for family and friends back home who are walking this road of faith together 

Thank you Lord, because You are faithful and are worthy of all our praises

Thank you Lord, because You make all things new and beautiful. 

Pause

Tonight I can sleep without any thoughts of the essay due, the legal journal articles I have not read and the multitude of cases to remember the following day. It has been more than 2 months of work, revision and examinations. I never thought of these as a burden but now that they are gone, it really is a relief, at least for now. Barring the possibility of failing any modules, it is frightening how my first year of university life has already ended. But a very welcoming end to a chapter nonetheless. Now, I just hope that I won't dream of any of those stuff - I've had enough of construing exemption, frustration and third party clauses in my dreams. A good night's sleep - ah, a welcoming thought.

My Provider

If Jesus can provide and feed 5,000 with 5 loaves and 2 fishes, I am sure He can provide me with what He deems fit for my exams.

Da Pacem Domine

Da Pacem Damine: Give Peace O Lord
One of my many favourites from the works of Arvo Part that is consonant with what I currently feel. 

Give peace, O Lord, in our time 

Because there is no one else 

Who will fight for us 

If not You, our God.

The sun and the blues

It is nice to have sunshine;

particularly so when all you see is dark clouds for everyday for the past week or so.

Here's a view from Stokeleigh camp in Leigh Woods. I took a walk to look for bluebells in the woods for some revision break. Got lost and wandered around before chancing this view. It seems like I have been taking too many breaks - each revision lecture only shows how unprepared I am for my exam. Can't wait for it to be over, yet not wanting to deal with it. It is liberating not to be under a pressure to score well, yet at the same time, a sense of apprehensiveness trying to avert not doing well.

Oh bluebells, captured my sight you did. But why fill me with the blues too?

Iob

If a man die, shall he live again?

All the days of my appointed time will I wait, 

Till my change come. 

Thou shalt call, and I will answer thee: 

For thou wilt have a desire to the work of thine hands. 
Job 14:14-15

Fuga and a Fudge of Contrapunto

The flight of time always leave those behind with a sense of want; 

a gaping hole between how things are and how they should be. 

Particularly so when one is sucked into a vortex of revision and coursework,

a sense of endless race with the different interests at stake competing. 

Thankfully, it's not endless for the end of this set time is in sight; but alas, distantly near.
'Please be my strength.'

Avoco

I do apologise for the inactivity of late; there have been a couple of things that I'd thought of writing about but I have been rather occupied with revision and slacking (what an excuse!). Hopefully I will make myself write a proper post soon.

In the meantime, to keep you occupied, you can take a look at this if you are into cooking and feel like trying out stuff like making sorbet. A food blog that my uni friends have started and roped me in (I am still figuring how to contribute properly): tummytroll. Also, as I have created a flickr account here I will probably upload photos sporadically (it is really a pathetic collection right now). Since this is the season for exams, there will be extremely limited phototaking.

Weathering the Weather

The UK's weather is really interesting. You can look up to see the blue sky and sunshine on one side and the threatening dark clouds on the other. 15 minutes of sunshine and then 15 minutes of rain and the cycle repeats. Nice warm sunshine on one moment and then cold wind blasting against your face the next moment. It isnt an overstatement to say that the wind can throw you off balance.

I like it though. Changes that make life interesting and colourful.

From a random note during lunch break.

Faith

Just a thought that crossed my mind while looking at these barren trees,

wondering when will they be clothed with leave once again. 

Perhaps one aspect of faith is simply stopping to ask 'when' but to rest in Him.  

A flowery affair

It has been awhile since I last saw these daisies in the garden of my hall and while walking through it yesterday, I saw many of them blooming along the pavement and it was a lovely sight. I think I like flowers...but I am not sure if I like flowers for looking like flowers or for the ideas that flowers convey. Granted, they look pretty, elegant and are pleasant to behold; making themselves good subject for nature photography. But flowers, like many other created things, convey deeper meaning in life and even speak of our relationship and dependence on God. Taking photos of flowers have also created a greater sense of awareness for this. 

Nature is one thing that I have loved since being a child. I did not watch much television as a kid and I did not understand why anyone watches cartoon until I was nine years old - those were really fun stuff for a kid. Till date, I still enjoy watching some anime. But cartoon was never something in my life during my early days in existence- the only stuff I watched on the television then were wildlife documentaries and military stuff; and the stuff I read were encyclopaedias (talk about childhood - my poly classmates made me watch power rangers so that I can 'regain my childhood' at the age of 21; power rangers was really not part of my childhood). I grew up being intrigued with nature and military stuff (I was fascinated with fighter planes and fighting robots like Gundam), wanting to be either a wildlife researcher or a fighter pilot; I still would have tried for the latter if not for being colour blind - what can beat dogfighting manoeuvres for thrills? How I ended up with law is still a mystery. Anyway, back to the point: I love nature. Nature, apart from its beauty, terror, mystery and awe contains so much depth and speaks of the wonders of God. When you look at a star-filled night with shooting stars, it leaves you with a profound sense of being a minute being. How a seed is being formed, and then a flower forming from a seed is a mystery - not that it cannot be explained by science- but the force working behind the processes leading to all of these. 

The dependence of the flower on sunshine and rain speaks so much of our dependence on God. Can a flower cause the water to fall from heavens or make the sun shine on it? It is totally dependent on God and it is God that enables the flower to grow. We are no different - totally dependent on God with Him as the source of our life. King Solomon wrote: "[God] hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.". One thing that I have thoroughly enjoyed being in the UK is to see the changing faces of nature as the season passes by. During Autumn, I saw leaves turning red and dropping dead; winter brought about Snowdrop flowers flourishing along with Ruby Giant in beautiful batches of white and blue/purple (can't really tell) that were gorgeous looking amidst the snow. With Spring comes the Duffydil in its bright yellow array. God really makes things beautiful in His time - we only ruin things when we want things done according to our will and timing.

With photography, I am learning that timing for taking photos is very important as well - it is said that photography is all about capturing the light. The time of the day, the intensity of the sunshine, the angle of the sun all plays a role in determining the outcome of the photo. One has to know the appropriate time to capture the shot - there are things that no amount of editing can replicate. Again, some things are just more beautiful at the appropriate time and there is no point in rushing it or forcing an outcome - most certainly that it is not for us to glorify ourselves in our lives.

Flowers in their beauty and elegance can speak of great strength, courage and resilience in adverse circumstances. Jesus said that Solomon, even in all his glory, was not arrayed as the lilies of the field. I think that for Jesus to say this truly mean there is something is profound about the lilies, and probably flowers too. If flowers are more glorious than mankind and they themselves fade away, surely men's glory is de minimis: "for all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass. The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth away".

Having said these, do I like flowers or what flowers represent? Perhaps both - I know not. This I do know: it is time to cook lunch and then read up on judicial review. 

Dreaming

The weather has been lovely for the past 2 weeks. It feels like having aircon in the outdoors and it is great because I enjoy sitting in the park near school while having lunch, 'basking' under the sun with the cooling wind in the face, and listening to good old classical music. It is quite an interesting sight when the locals go to the parks and just lie there to enjoy the sun when it is out. I suppose it is just not a culture for Singaporeans to do this...I mean, seriously, sitting in a park under the tropical heat? No thanks. But it is a different matter here- where sunny days have been infrequent for the past few months. These days it gets dark at 8pm - compared to 4pm just a few months back!

The only downside is that because I have been working on my essay for the past week, it made me feel bad for not going out to fully enjoy the weather. There is this feeling of wanting to be in a state of oblivion and just relaxing like this man in Brighton. Since the weather forecast shows today to be the last sunny day for the coming week, I have decided go out and take some photos during the afternoon - probably read a book in a park too. Hopefully I will be able to upload some decent shots in time to come.

Green Park, London

If there is one reason for me to like London, 

it will be the lovely parks with their patches of flowers blooming during Spring. 

Why use this?

This is going to be a post about a camera equipment...so please spare yourself if you don't wish to be bored. Also, since I am a beginner to photography and dslr, this is meant for sharing information with those who are of the same category as I am - please ignore it if you don't think you are a beginner. The purpose is for sharing my thoughts on why a simple kit lens can be good enough for normal usage, thus avoiding the need of spending much more money on better lens of the similar focal length. 

If you have just gotten a dslr or am planning to get one, you will be familiar the term of a kit lens. I have heard how they have been dismissed as rubbish lens...slow, bad distortion, flares, fringing etc. For Nikon users, you would most probably be looking at the Nikon 18-55mm F3.5-5.6 VR DX. This is the current lens that I use together with the Nikkor AIS 28mm F2.8, Nikon E Series 35mm F2.5 (left in Singapore) and Nikon E Series 75-150mm F3.5 (all of these are legacy lens from my dad).

When I brought my camera for servicing last year, I was asked why I was using a kit lens on my camera body. It was probably just a nicer way of saying that this lens is rubbish and should not be used. I didn't tell the person that this lens costs lesser than the service fees he charged; the kit lens was bought second hand for S$120 and I never regretted purchasing it. To date, I have taken the most number of photos with it and it has served me well.

It took me a long time before I decided to purchase this kit lens. Prior to this lens, the 28mm lens was the widest lens I had and it was way too narrow for my liking on a crop sensor because I like taking landscape photos. While I have thoughts of getting a ultra-wide angle lens, I decided that I should try with a standard zoom lens before deciding if I really need an ultra-wide lens like the Tokina 11-16mm, since using a standard zoom lens will be a useful tool for learning the art of composition and framing. Though the Tamron 17-50mm F2.8 is a popular choice since it costs much lesser than the Nikkor 17-50 F2.8, it still cost a few hundred dollars more than the Nikon 18-55mm kit lens. The following factors influenced my decision in getting the kit lens eventually:

1) Cost of the kit lens- as an underpaid national serviceman who just finished his service and waiting to go to school, money was an issue. Since I am merely a hobbyist, I didn't see a reason why I should spend even more money when I wasn't sure if I really needed a better lens. There is always the danger of the 'buy-buy-buy (BBB) virus'.

2) It is the photographer and not the gear that makes the difference. I decided that using a 'not-so-good' lens will be beneficial in forcing oneself to know how to work within the limits of one's gears and knowing how to push them. Good photographers can take excellent photos even with simple gears - a stage I can only aspire to reach.

3) Technical reasons:

• all my other lenses use a 52mm filter thread. Since the kit lens uses the same filter thread, I need not purchase filters of different sizes. (52mm filters are generally cheaper as well). 
• Since I like landscape photos and one don't shoot landscape shots at F2.8, the idea of a fast lens lost its appeal. If it is street photography, my prime lens can be used instead. The same idea is employed for group shots in gathering with friends...you can't shoot at F2.8 because the depth of field is too thin. 

Having used this lens for more than 2/3 of a year, I am really satisfied with its performance. The sharpness is decent and the VR is useful when using slow shutter speed. Although it has some flaws (my 28mm thrashes it in terms of sharpness, distortion and chromatic aberrations), I have learnt to live with it. After all, I am no professional and only take photos out of interest. Do take a look at online reviews of this lens; it is highly rated for being 'value-for-money'. 

Hence, if you are thinking of upgrading your standard zoom lens while still in the same category as I am, it is a good idea to use the kit lens till you have reached a stage where you can no longer live with its limitation (probably by then you will have a better idea of knowing which area you are most interested in and will get a suitable lens for it). With the availability of software like Adobe Photoshop, Lightroom and DxO, corrections can be made to solve the distortion. Having good techniques for hand-held shots, together with the VR of the kit lens, is particularly useful for compensating the smaller aperture of the lens. Furthermore, with the presence of noise-reduction software and modern dslr body being capable of taking decent shots above 1,600 iso, it gives room for increasing the shutter speed even at smaller aperture under lowlight conditions. 

My camera is a piece of technology that is half a decade old that can't shoot anything above 1600 iso without it looking like a result of a handphone camera; I also only use Picasa to do minor adjustments for my photos. That being so, the kit lens has worked well enough for me even under these limitation. When will I stop using it then? Probably when it malfunctions, which might not be too long given how I use it even when it is raining...I may also stop using it when get my ultra wide angle lens but that won't be anytime soon.

Fuji S5 Pro, Nikon 18-55mm, Hoya CPL Filter
30mm, F10, 1/30s, ISO 100
Post-Processed with Picasa 

Time Stood Still

Time stood still on my watch on the 19th of March at 02:15:24. I had the battery replaced prior to coming over so it is weird that the juice has ran out so quickly. Perhaps age has caught up with watch; it was 7 years ago when I won it at a lucky draw during high school's graduation night. 

Waking up 6 hours later, I wondered what would have happened if time really stood still at 02:15:24. I was sleeping then and the world on the other side of the globe was probably facing certain Monday blues. I obviously have no answer to my own question. However, it further questioned me about what am I doing with my life. Suppose time ended for me then as well, where will I stand when I meet my Creator? Can I be confident that there is nothing in me that will be ashamed as I stand before Him? 

While browsing through the news feed in the book of faces yesterday night, I was informed that a loved one of someone has just passed away. I don't know that person but the knowledge of death had an impact on me: the knowledge that the end has arrived. It is in the face of such an end that most things in life don't matter at all.  I recall sitting in a court room of the Supreme Court when the sentence of the death penalty was read out to the convicted accused. He wasn't dead after the sentence was read out, but those in the court room knew that he was as good as dead; the fact that he was alive then made no difference. Perhaps it is Ecclesiastes working in my mind, for it writes, "better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart." But death in itself is not the real end; it is only an end to the temporal existence in this world. 

That being so, the same question is being asked again: for if death is not the end but merely the closure of the temporal existence here, of which I have to given an account for, what am I doing with my life? Where will I stand when my time in this world has stopped? 

A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth.

It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: 

for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart. 

Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better. 

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth. 

Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof...

Ecclesiastes 7

Hope

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is fraud. probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it,  but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing" CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

Of late I have been finding this passage truer than ever; every fulfilment of a wish only brings about a greater sense of futility. The acquisition of knowledge only deepens the conviction of the hopelessness in the system that we are in. Beneath the labels and facade of various political ideas and social norms lies the fallacy of mankind and the hypocrisy of his works. Looking closer, we find contradictions even in what was meant to put an end to such. They come in many names with the likes of democracy, rule of law and human rights- fanciful sounding concepts that creates more questions than answers. Mankind has no hope in this world that is passing by.

The truth that we are but strangers and pilgrims journeying on this earth writes deeper in my heart as the days pass by. I am no hero of faith, but more than ever, it feels as though my eyes have been unveiled, as far as this is concerned, to see how, as the heroes of faith in Heb 11 saw, my country and belonging is not one found here. While CS Lewis' passage was an aspiration of a state to attain, perhaps it has now been embedded somewhere within, that of a truth, I was made for another world.

Not made for here.

Thanksgiving

Since I am having a massive headache and body-ache all over, I have decided to end the futile attempts of completing my readings. This illness has come about after weeks of on-off blocked nose, headache, lack of sleep and poor quality sleep etc; I suppose the recent weekend trip triggered the onset with all the food and exhaustion from travelling. But as the scripture says, 'in everything give thanks!'...so I am still thankful that I am not totally bedridden and as sick as how I was in Singapore.

On a brighter side, here's a photo that I took during the weekend trip to Brighton. With the subtlety of the lone couple, flying gull and a passing boat, it is one of my favourites from the trip. The title of Switchfoot's song 'Love, Life and Why' sprang to my mind when I saw it. 

I really enjoyed my time at Brighton! Having always enjoy being under the sun, sea and sand back home, it was really nice being back by the seaside, never mind the pebble beach instead. Thankful for lovely weather and the company of friends. I haven't had such a relaxing time since the start of Spring term; basically just eating, sightseeing and sleeping (or lack of). To top it off, I saw two lovely sunset while I was there, Here's the one on the second day. 

My head weighs like a ton now; I am surprised I still can type coherently... Hopefully I will feel better when I wake up tomorrow.